alll i can say is,

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said itd be easy they just promised itd be worth it."
<3

wow...

people are telling the boy i want that i have a fucking STD. like really? and i guess it was more than one person.. so obviously my "friends" arent my friends at all. i dont even know what to think anymore. im SO upset by this. its fucking everything up for me. like me and him arent talking, were friends but we flirt and shit and like we were being all cute and than BOOOM i get a texting saying "i heard you have an std..." wow. im so like ah, i dont even know. i wanna cry. like im not crying because hes all werid with me and we probally wont hook up, im upset because people, MY "FRIENDS" are saying I have a fucking STD. how the fuck could you be so fucking low? i have never done anything to anyone to deserve this! nothing. what the fuck did i do to get deserve this? PLEASE, someone, ANYONE tell me what i fucking did. he wont even fucking tell me who the fuck is telling him this bulllshit. ugh, but at least he believes me that i dont have one, and still thinks im cute. that made me happy. but im gonna find out who the FUCK is saying this shit and im gonna fucking chop of thier dicks. ahhh. why do people have me so much? :/

i felt you in my legs, before i even met you.

i really need to get my shit together and graduate..
i keep getting told im not gonna, and its the worst feeling in the world. ive always dreamt about getting the gown, getting all pretty, walking down the isle thing, and getting my dipolma as my mom cries and cheers for me and everyone around me telling me "i knew you could do it bre" but no, im gonna be in high school either another year. or im not gonna graduate at all.. and im just gonna prove everyone who dosent belive in me right.
i wish it was easier.
but its life.
life isnt easy. its the most fucking complicated thing in the fucking worldd!
but ill do it. i know i will. i need hope, and motivation.
:]


i have my eye on a new boy, but i KNOW things arent going anywhere with him. we flirt sorta but eh. hes a weriddd kid.
i juss wanna focus on everything else. i dont wanna get fuckedover again :/
listening to beautiful in the car, the whole song in like forever made me actually kinda happy. usually it makes me really upset and i get in a shitty mood. but i was singing on the top of my lungs and i had a smile the whole time. its a good song, juss the conecpt of him dedicating it to me is shitty.
sometimes i sit and think about him. than the other times i dont ever think about him. i dont know how to feel. i still love that kid with everything i have in me. but it wont ever happen again, and my hopes are so high and they always get crushed with him.
i guess what's done is done
i need to move foward and never look back..
which is impposible for me :/

and,

everythingg is finallly going the way i want it
im FINALLY content, and finally smiling all the time again. im happy.
i got everything i want.
<3

making wishes on 11:11 is BULLSHIT.

everytime i wish on 11:11 it dosent work :/
once in a while ill get what i want, but most of the time i dont.
i guess thats life? yeaaaa. basically..


i GUESS you can say everything's going okay..
i mean me and tori are fighting like nonstop and boys suck but my grades are alot better and im improving so much.
i went to kennedy friday and saw all my old teachers, well most of them and they all told me how proud they are of me and how im doing SO much better and how they knew i ws capable of being smart and getting my stuff done. i was juss caught up in all the drama. i wanted to cry when they told me that. i AM smart, i hate when people dont think i am. i mean yeaaa i say some stupid shit cause im a dumbass when it comes to certian shit but fuck, im not as dumb as a fucking rock. the next person who calls me dumb is getting socked in the face. straight uppp.
boys are so dumbb! me and tori were talking about them and we decided we arent gonna go look for one, and focus on school and shit and the right one will come along eventaully. probally in college but fuck it. i need to focus on other shit right now. so much is going on in my life its ridiciolous. i didnt know a 17 year old girl could have so much weight and stress on her shoulders. and its not all about boys. its school and family shit. like fuuuuuck, i hate when things hit rock bottom cause i feel weak because there isnt anything i can fucking do :/it sucks but i guess i have to live with it!
and tori. well i dont even know what the fuck is going on with her. i dont even wanna get into it either. but i cant lose her :[ id likeee lose all sanity.
aslfkjas;fa

why cant things work out for once? at least for a while. not for a day than turn to shit again.
i guess ill juss stayyy up, stay strong.
for my grandma, and parents. <3

if im juss bad news, your a liar.

again, i kinda got fucked over by a guy. i heard hes been fucking with his ex and than flipped out on me for asking and called ME crazy? really? HA! this fool's tripppin'. i shoula listened to everyone that warned me about him. ha, fuck it. i like didnt even cry. i wasnt upset. i juss gladly went on with my night. i guess im getting ALOT better at this whole getting fucked over bullshit. i guess it gets easier everytime.
but theres a new boy whos been flirting with me, and hes SUPER cute but im not gonna rush into anything quite yet. i need to foucus more on school, and getting my shit together! i really wanna graduate. but i probally wont =/ theres a like a BIG chance i wont graduate! like fuck, it makes me think and it sucks. its all cause of fucking geometryy! and im a lazy as fuck in most of my classes. i need to get my shit together but its hard for me. AKFHAL! fuck, if i dont graduate i honestly dont know what im gonna do! whateverrr. winter break in 3 weeks, and thats when tori gets her license! so stoked. were gonna be EVERYWHERE! but nowhere around here. i wanna get away! go up to the IE and kick it with the homies up there! like adam, and james :] im really dont trippppin' about having a boyfriend, cause i know i cant keep one cause im still young and immature. so why waste my time getting hurt and hurting them? i need to really open my eyes up to alot more and appericate more things!

im losing everything,

i cant handle this anymore.
things go so well for such a short amount of time, than they turn to shitttt all over again.
i cant handle this, i cant deal with this. i CANT.

have faith in me,

things are getting better. and im happy again. ive had a smile on my face for 2 days straight! things are going right again and it feels so good to smile.
:)

take me home, i rather die than be with you.

me and tori NEVER fight and we have latley.. and its really starting to get to me. like it feels like were gonna juss get sick of each other than theres another bestfriend i lost. but im gonna keep my head up and hope that dosent happen. and im sure it wont. we've been bestfriends for like 4 years, if we've dealt with each other for 4 years we can handle little fights. and we've been through WAY more than this.
ive been seeing brandi alot more now that i go downtown more often. and its always good to see her! im so glad me and her are still close even though we've been through so much bullshit. i still consider her one of my bestfriends. i love talking to her when im upset. she makes everything better. shes like a mom to me. its cute (:
i kinda miss vee... :/ but than again whats done is done, whats in the past is in the past and theres no turning back now.

i dont know what to do!
go for someone who i have a feeling is a man whore, and will off and on talk to me and will be gayy and probally only wants to get in my pants, or wait for who knows when for the boy im IN love with who dosent want anything to do with meeee or juss be single and say fuck it and dont talk to any boys?!
ashflahflas i know what i SHOULD do, but i cant. i dont wanna be single, i dont wanna not talk to a boy. i feel so alone and i HATE it duuuuude. like i really do :/ ive been single for too long and fucked with too much and i juss wanna find love and be happy!
but i guess it takes time.
i missss a certian boy from my past i know i shouldnt miss but i see him alot now and i cant handle seeing him and his new girl like AHH! fuck. whatever.


time heals all.
things are gonna get better over time.
i juss have to br strong and live my lifeeee.
right?

be strong for me, ill be strong for you.

everything went to shit, AGAIN. in the matter of like 3 days.
i lost my fucking phone, im not getting a fucking new one any time fucking soon.
the boy who im in love with fucking hates me and wants nothing to do with me.
and i lost a couple of "friends."
FUCKING SWEEET BRO! FUCKING SWEEET.
what the fuck else could go wrong?
like really?

i need to get away.
i wanna move away.
fuck this city, and state.

take me to the river.. please.

if i could go back and do it one more time, i would have done it right.

"i'm done with everbodys bullshit maybe it's about time to finally move on but no matter how much i want to i know its not even slightly possible. i miss how things used to be, but doesn't everybody? story of my life, it's great."
^^^ AFUCKINGMEN!



ive learned to deal with shit, and dont let it affect me as much as i do.
now when a boy fucks me over i sit, cry for a while like a normal human being would do than keep moving on and never look back.
when people start shit, or talk shit ill laugh give them the hand, and walk away cause im not gonna lower myself to thier level.
and when i think im gonna break down ill tell myself im stronger than this, way stronger and way better than this. cause I AM wether you agree or not.
people tend to think im this weak thing that cant fight my own battles, or that im an emotional wreck well YOUR WRONG!
i can fight my own battles, i just have a very over protective bestfriend who will fight anyone who starts shit with me before i could even throw a punch, shed already be getting down with that person. sorry that my bestfriend cares about me and dosent want me to get in a fight. if shes not there ill still run my mouth juss as much as when im with her and i will back my shit up and run my mouth and if it comes down to it ill fight, and i may or not get my ass kicked but at least i stood up for myself, right?
and for boys, HA! im stronger than most of the fucking people i know. yeah, ill cry over a boy, or be upset over a boy but im not like some people who get all emotional and shit. im not saying its bad, being emotional is part of life but i dont break down like most people. ive reliazed boys come and go, and theyll come and go for the rest of your life. well until your married, and yeah everytime you get fucked over, or broken hearted it get harder, BUT it makes you stronger too. and i havent been all emotional, and when i am its fucking forsure not about boys. its about the bullshit with my parents and other shit in my life. boys dont matter to me. i havent cried over a boy in forever. like a couple months. but i also havent had a thing with a boy in like 4 months. but i AM STRONG. dont agree, or you think diffrent?! HA! i dont give a 2 shits of what you fucking think.
i will make it, ill make it with or without friends to support me.

yeaaaa,

i give up.

i never ment to start a war, i dont know even know what im fighting for.

why is love always feel like a battle field?
fuck boys! fuck them, fuck them alll!
i hate getting fucked over day after day.
i hate seeing everyone so happy around me, with there boys/girls.
FUCK!
this is getting so fucking old, this is really starting to get to me.
i act like i dont give a fuck, but i do.



i want someone :/

i finally discovered what makes you tick.

im so fucking bipolar i swear! i looked at the last like 7 blogs i posted, one blog im happy the other im sad, than im happy than im sad, than im happy than im sad than im happy and yeah you get the picture.

but at this moment in time im actually content. im not depressed, but im not like GREAT. im juss in the middle.

goood things:

-i get to spend all weeekend wtih ana again.

-might start to devolp feeelings for this certain boyy, and maybe ill finally get a boyfrienddd.

[not getting my hopes up]

-im losing weighttt.

-im slowly quitting smoking. ive cut down ALOT.

<3333333333333333333333
i juss hope my moood stays this wayy!

i need you here.

my moood swings are comming back and i dont like it.
i lost all my happpiness in the amount of seconds.
i dont know where it went, but i miss it.
i miss smiling, forreal
i miss dancing around and singing.
i miss laughing at the little things
i misss the things that put me in a better mood.
where did you go?
come back. i need my happiness again.

:[









i got told some pretty good advice today..
"bre, dont ever change. please"
<3

and i dont feeel sorry for you.

after alll these months waiting around for you, and hoping you'd love me again well.. fuck that. i got no time for feeling sorry. i said what i had to say, i told you how i felt and you dont give a fuck so why am i gonna wait for a boy who dosent give two shits about me when theres other boys out there who are willing to date me and LOVE ME!? i aint gonna wait forever. maybe when im gone and find another boy you'll reliaze what you lost, yet AGAIN! im done crying over you, im done passing up chnaces with GOOD boys for you. waiting for you, not hooking up with anyone, not dating/talking to anyone from the beggining of fucking summer time till my birthday IN THE MIDDLE SEPTEMBER for you was enough time. im DONEEEE! your gonna fucking regret this. just wait. and if you dont, and you juss dont care that im getting over you well i guess it was my dumbass fault for thinkin youd actually love me again. oh well, your juss another boy on my list. DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE.


i finally found happinessss, and im NOT letting anyone take it from me<3

when everything falls to shit, i know i have you.

i LOOOOOOOVE tori and ana.
those two are my sanity.
they keep me up, they make me a better person.
with those two in my life, i KNOW ill make it through.
:]


with the bad comes the good.
somethings didnt work out as planned, but others did.
i guess im happy<3

and i lied when i said nothing was gonna bring me down.

how the fuck is that you can ALWAYS bring me down?!
you fucking get under my skin.
your the only fucking boy who can fucking do this to me.
you break me down quicker than anyone i know.
one word, one dirty look, one comment, one ANYTHING and i break down and cry.
i cant stand you hating me.
i cant stand you not loving me anymore.
i wish we could go back to like half a year ago when you loved me, and i was able to jump on you and hug you and you'd text me cute things, or let me fall asleep with my head on your shoulder, or let me sit on your lap.
i want you to look at me and know im all yours.


your the first and only boy ive ever fell in love with..
i fucking love you and you dont even know or care.
i guess i give up on this. on trying to win you over.
i fucking give up on trying to prove to you that i wanna be with you. and i wont fuck shit up again.
but fuck it. i cant wait forever. waiting all summer time was enough.
now, well now im fucking OVER IT.
when your ready.. ill be waiting.





"you have so many good characteristics bre, you just have to not be afraid to show them."
i hate when people are right.

BOOO NIGGGAA!

everythings finally working out.
i knew it would.
a wise woman once told me, "for you to become strong you have to break down first"
<3



nothings gonna bring me down.

nothing can touch me.

i know im strong, i juss need the support of someone to help me get through this.
noones heping me though.
noone cares to help me.


im on my own on this one.
ill make it.

i never knew, i never knew that everything was falling through

i HATE trying to be strong, i hate walking around with a fake smile on my face. i hate telling people im okay when im screaming HELP ME on the inside.
i wish things were diffrent.

im having another mental breakdown.
i need help.

what happened?

what happened to me?
ive changed so much.
i miss the old me.
i need my old friends, i neeed the old me back.
fuck you and fucking with my emotions!
your the reason im so fuckedup in the head.
you made me this way.

i hate you.

i must confess im a mess.

im a emotianl wreck.
why am i such an emotional person?
i cant explain whats going on with me. i juss wish everything would finally work out for once. i hate crying, i hate thinkin. i over think. i think before i sleep, i think bad things. they cause me horrrrible dreams. i hate waking up crying, or waking up in a bad mood cause my dreams fuckedup my emotions.
i need a crutch, i need someone to hold me all together, i need stablity.
im falling apart slowly, nothings holding me together. im breaking slowly. noone's there to put me back together. im slippin through the cracks. nothings working, nooones helping.
im holding on, how much longer do i have to do this by myself?
im a strong girl, i have to keep my head up. ive been doing so good. ill be dammed if i quot now and thats forsure.


i juss wanna be in love. i want someone to love me for me. i want someone who can deal with me, and my mood swings. i want someone who wont leave me cause i wont give it up. i dont wanna be a sex toy, or a hookup. i wanna be in love for the first time. i want everyone to finally see what i have to offer. i cant do this anymore. im slowly giving up, but i dont want too. even the people who have hard time getting boyfriends/girlfriends are finally happy with thier boys/girls. i feel so alone. seeing my bestfriend with her boyfriend, and how happy she is. than seeing friends at school, or seeing people walking down the street holding hands and being all cute is like ajshfksajfha ughhh. i can be cute with a guy, i can give my boyfriend whatever he wants, i can make him happy. too bad nooone wants to take that offer. maybe its my personaitly. maybe its juss me and who i am that noone wants to be with. yeah im loud and obnixious and annoying sometimes, but when i need to be im shy, and quiet. i juss show my loud side more cause im still a kid. i dont wanna live my life all serious. i wanna have fun. i juss wish someone would like me for me. i dont want a boy to like me cause im "cute" or cause he thinks im gonna give it up. i want him to get to know me and know every detiail about me and than see if he still wants to be with me. what is honestly wrong with me?! i know im not perfect, no where near perfect. i juss want to know whats really wrong with me! like why is it that i cant be anything boys want?! i know im only 17 but fuck ive only had 2 boyfriends my whole fucking life and they didnt last over a month. i have friends, school and family to keep my occupied but sorry i juss want someone to actually love me for once. ive never been in love. i hear everyone talking about how its so amazing to be in love and its the most amazing feelin in the world blah blah blah and im sitting here like yeeeeah, ive never been in love so i dont know how that feels.. ):
i wish i wasnt such a fucking mess.

we aint gonna live forever

i hate being cute with a guy than finding out they have a girlfriendd AND a babymamma.
last night was intresting, least to say.
found a boy, too bad hes a thirsty idiot.
i hate boys. plain and simple.
i juss want a boy to want me for me, not for sex. not for a hookup, not for my body. for ME.
and im sick of hookups and guys telling me all this cute shit than leaving me when they dont get what they want.
FUCK THAT.
i didnt give it up, didnt do SHIT, wasnt be a slut. i was being cute. hopefully you see me for me and actually devolp feelings for me.
who knows.
knowing boys like you.. n e v e r gonna happen.
your all the fucking same.




i need to stop getting up for the let down
i juss..
i juss wish things werent so damn complicated.

we can juss pretend yeah yeah

me and vee arent friends anymore HAHAHAH
shes the biggest piece of shit i know and i hope to fucking god she knows it.
she used me, never "cared about me" and can give a fuck about me, so i DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU EITHER.




so in the past like weeek ive got called fat about uhmmmm 9 times.
this is overly ridiculous.
im NOT fat. but im not skinny. im juss chubby.
and what sucks is when someone you think cares about you calls you fat behind your back.
thanks alot dude.
fuck you tooo
i need to lose weight ): i cant though. my mom said i wont lose any cause thats juss how my body is.. she said her body was like that when she was my age. but now look at her shes TINY. i hope after i have a kid ill get skinny
i juss akflkafhas i dont even know.




on a happier note im going to haunt with a cute boy tonight and my friends<3
yayayayayayayaayay

common babyy we aint gonna live forever

things are going ALOT better :)
-im passing EVERY CLASS.
i went home sick today, but i got my work and todays the first day this year i went home early. weve only been in school a month though, ahahah.
-im going to haunt saturday with tino, tori, jesse, and thier friends and i have a boy to go with. a cute legit boy. and we are all going buzzzzzzzzed anf faded to haunt so it should be funnnnnn. ill probally be the only sober person there.
-im going shopping tommrow for a cute oufit.
-theres not that much drama in my life anymore.
things are juss slowly getting better.
i mean i missss a certian someone but he got his new girlfriend prego, HA! and eh. im slowly gettting over it.
some days im over him. other days im like asjfhaksf i miss him.
its complicated, juss like life is.
but at least im not down in the dumps anymore.



:)

put the blame on me.

why are things so hard now?
i wish things were easier.
i wish i didnt have all this stress on me.
i wish boys werent so stupid.
i wish i had my licences.
i wish i already graduated.
i wish i had a job.
i wish i had a car.
i wish i still made my parents proud.
i wish i still had you


:(

talk to me im torn.

i guess things are getting better?
im doing SO much better in school. im passing all my classes with a A or B.
im gonna apply for kohls by my house kinda cause there hiring. probally gonna do that this weekend.
im studying for my permit so i can get my licences before summer time.
and tori's not starting her cosmotolegy thingy till febuary so i get to see her as much as i want till than.
execpt shes gonna be with tino all saturday and some of sunday. hopefully i see her sundayyy. well ill see her tommrow after i get out of school. OH SHIT. its early day tommmrow :) yay. this weekend should be fun though. hotel with annie, and a illegal substances. hahahaha. i hope this weekend works out.

im going to homecomming with tori. <3
ive never been to a homecomming, prom or anything.
well i went to a winterformal like freshman year for a diffrent school. it was fun. but this homecomming will be amaaaaazing. i hope. and i already have my dress.

ah, i wanna go to haunt already. everyones going this weekend, and like nextweek. i wanna go in the middle of october like the 18th or something. i hope its me, tori, tino and jesse. or something. as long as its fun and i have someones hand to hold :[



the one boy i still wanna be with and like still has his girlfriend but theres rumors hes gonna break up with her, and i hate him but i miss him. i tell everyone i dont wanna see him but i do. ): thats the only thing i want is to see him. and i wanna be with him again, like finally be his but hes a cheaterr and i dont know! and he said he dosent like the way his girlfriends attached. i get attached ): i dont know. i juss want him back. fuhk. this is never gonna happen. oh well, a girl can dream right?
asfkjaklsfhalskfhas UGH.
i hate boys. im like not talking to anyone, and its weirddd. but i guess its good.
i juss cant wait to go to hemet the 24th till the 26th or something. 0o0oh weeee that'll be fun fun fun fun.



i wanna get in a fight so people will shutup about how im a pussy.
mmm. maybe ill get in a fight?! who knows.









i juss want everything to be okay for once.

after the things weve been though, i still want you.

why does life have to work like this?
things go so well for a little bit, than turn to shit, than go amazing again, than turn to shit?! why? like why?! soemone tell me why. i cant handle it. im too weak to handle all this stress and bullshit. i know im 17, but fuck. im not an adult yet. im still a baby. i juss wanna go back to the simople years, where i thought boys had cooties, for school all we had to do was color and take naps, and where i never got grounded cause i was the little innocent girl who never did anything wrong.
everythings so DIFFRENT now.

i played games for too long, and i lost the boy i was seeing.
im slipping in school, and its only the 4th week.
im grounded again, cause im slippin in school.
and i dont even know.
fuck this. im over it.
i juss wanna go to the river, or like somewhere far away.

im not gonna be with tori like all weekend, shes gonna be with tino.
this will be the first weekend in FOREVER i wont see her.
i wonder how im gonna handle it.
shes the only one im myself around, and the only one i like hanging out with.
everyone else can fuck off.



i hate this.
someone take me away): please.

i am 16, going on 17

only 5 more hours till my birthday, i dont know why im so excited to turn 17. i think its cause i get more freeedom, and im only a year away from being 18. AHHHH!
things are slowly starting to get better.
hemet was fun as fuhk. some drama, but it turned out alright. i wanna go back, like reallllly bad. =/ hopefully soon.
the boy i was intrested in is talking to someone, but the last time i saw him he was like all over me and being all cute with me, is this a sign?! doubt it.
the boy i want the most is single again, but i dont know if hes gonna go back to the girl :[ he needs to juss be mine again! ughhh. hopefully i see him wendsay?! i hope so. maybe goooood things will come out of it :}
i get my tattooo tommmrowww. so stoked. i need vidican though ): or something. i know its gonna hurt. FUUUUHHHKKK.
mmm, things are slwoly getting better, im trying to lose weighttt, im doin fucking amazing in school, and ima get a job & start studing for my licneses.
but i wanna boyfriend.. ew. i hate this. whatever, i have the people i need in life. so im happy.
AHH I CANT WAIT FOR HAUNTT! i know its gonna be me, tori, tino and i need a boy to go wiff, i got 2 boys in mind. idk, if itll work outtt. cause i wanna go wifff a boy to like protect me. but maybe theyll get girlfriends by than so i cant =/ or maybe one of them will start talking to me and illl be happy :) who knows. ima keep my head uppp. lifes life, things happen. im so happy things are getting bettttter, i juss need to learn to not break.

ladahahah.

at this moment in time in the happiest mother fucker ever.
:D
-leaving tommrow after school to hemet, ALLL weeekend.
gonnna kick it wifff tino, jesse and errryone else.
SO stoked.
-my birthdays comming up, 5 more days.
i get my tatttoo, & get to go to seaworld!
ive already got 100 dollars for my birthday, and thats only from one set of the grandparents.
-i made new friends.
-im getting more comfortable with my body now
-im doing SO fucking gooood in schooool.
like things are going to much better, and i cant complain.
lets juss hope this happiness lasts<3

when life gets you a thousands reason to frown, turn around and give a million reasons to smile.

i think TOOOO much sometimes..





i guess things are going okay now.
me and tori are still close as we were in summertime, even though were both at school. me and her boyfriend are cloooose too. he calls me his little sister, & i call him my big brother. i made a new fran jesse, im talking to a boy, my birthdays in 8 days and i get my tattoo, my nose repierced and my monroe percied.
BUT the bad things.
i miss the boy i liked before the boy i like right now.. im scared im not slip in school, i already made enemies at schoool who i KNOW will fuck me up, cause i dont fight, i like this boy but not that much to go out with him.. i keep finding things i dont like about him and i kinda like this other boy well im intrested in him but i dont know how he feels cause we juss became friends.


so i guess with the goood comes the bad.












the river was my get away, and now that im back in califorina i feel trapped.

i guess you could say

this summer was goood.
it had its ups & downs forsure but over all i had fun.
my summer constianted of tori, ciggerates, bpm, fooood, alcohol, more alcohol, & lame bullshit and boys
but hey i had fun.
i came close with certian people i never thought i would.
made enemies, & made friends.
so happy.

have so many gooood memories, laughs and cries to go along with evrything.
school starts on monday.
excited, nervous, but happy to go back
SENIOR YEAR! this years gonna be my year. i swear. no more distractions, no more fucking up.



ahh, so i guess getting fuckedover only makes you stronger? i mean at certian times i get sad but if i listen to certian music, & talk to certian people i get happy.
so i need to surround myself with goood energy.



lifes going how it should, with the ups and downs.<3

AGAIN?!

really? again? seriously? yeah. guesss what? got fucked over again. HA! ahh i love when this shit happens. but whatever, we talked and hes happy with her so i guess im happy? ugh. whatever. shit happens. its juss like ahh cause this shit ALWAYS happens to me. my bestfriends seeen my cry over too many boys, too many times. like i dont know what the fuck im doing wrong, there MUST be something im not doing right. the only fucking thing ive EVER done right was meet tori and keep her for this long.. i juss dont wanna lose her to her new boyfriend. like she left me for vince and she promised me she wouldnt leave me for tino but who knows. i guess i just have to be happy for her. i mean dont get me wrong, i am. like she hasnt smiled this much in so long but im scared shes gonna juss pack up her bags and leave me by myself. weve been attached at the hip for so long that if she leaves its like im not myself anymore. i dont know. im probally jusss trippin right now.
ahh, than afer this whole getting fucked over thing happened i found out that my "GOOOD FRIEND" is probally gonna go out or is seeing the ONE AND ONLY guy i have everrrr fell in love with. what the fuck is that? it sucks cause ive called her crying about him too many times. fuck this.
oh and to top things off my grandpa had a heartattack and my great aunt who i love more than anything has some fucked up disease that made her turn yellow and shes basically slowly dying.
ive never had a death in my family since i was born and if this happens i dont know how im gonna handle it. im scared of death and knowing the people i care the most about are dying juss kills me. i need to be strong for them.


the only good thing thats happened in the past couple of days was seeing brandi.
she looks so gooood without her braces. i missed her more than anything and i guess when some guy started calling her drop dead gorgoues i said yeah shes my bestfriend and when tori called me out on it i was like wtf? cause we arent bestfriends anymore. shes more than one to me. we might not talk anymore. or hangout like we use too but shes still the mommy that takes care of me. i love her soo much. i jusss want things to go back to how they use to be. with everyone ):

:(

and just when i thought everything was going okay it turns to shit again.




nothings going right, and i fucking hate it.
i need to get away.
someone take me away.
pleaseee):
i fucking hate crying

iiii only date boys wid tattooooooos

so ive been with tori EVERYDAY for like the last month and a half, 2 months. execpt 2 times. my mom and her mom talk and they both said, "there attached at the hip" but hey fuck it. were BESTFRIENDS. ahh my birthdays almost here. itll be like 3, or 4 years of being bestfraans with that dumbass<3 ahhh. speaking of my birthday im almost 17. wooo. im still a baby though. oh welll. i cant wait for my tattoo :)))


i cant wait for sunday!!!!!
double date with tori, her boy, and my boy.
were going to the beach to watch the sunset.
everytime i think about it i get buttterflies.
hopefully shit works out ):
if not, oh well. at least tori and her man are working 0ut.
and thats all i care about.






ahhhh, i cant explain thee mooood ive been in.
but hey, im happpyyyyyy<3 yayayaya

its a revlation a moment of clarityyy.

ahhh, last night i couldnt stop smiling.
those texts made me smile so much i swear my face like almost ripped offf.
askhflakfhasfja :]
im trying not to like him, but i mean hes like i dont know.. i cant explain it.
im happy though.
i cant wait for tuesday. he comes home and i get to see him again.




KASLSFA AHHHHHHHHH!
i get my first tattoo on my birthday which is in less than a month.
im so excited.
its gonna be "daddys little girl" in script writting with a heart and our birthday under cause we have the same birthday.
he said i can. my moms not too happy but fuck it. im so excited. AHHH.
im getting it on my upper back :)
yayayayaya. dammmmm. im kinda nervous too. i hope it dosent hurt, but it will. ha.






i love the way things are going <3

your a waste of time. i hate you now, so go away from me. your gone. i can do better.

one word i can say right now.
WOW.
this couple of days have been fucking amazing. like ohmygod. i dont know why but like everythings starting to get sososososos much better. and im not complaining. i like it :)
i met this kid name damien and hes seriously the sweeeetest, funniest kid EVER.
he gave me a couple of pennies, and we made wishes and threw them in the fountation at the buena park mall.
and i swear to god, there comming true!
i stopped talking to the boy i thought i was in love with. the boy i waited forever for. the boy i thought i wanted to be with. he HATES me now. and suprisingly i dont care. im like over it. he cant bring me down. words wont hurt me. the only reason hed talk shit about me is cause i broke his heart. but okieeee, thats cool. whatever. shit happens. maybe eventually hell get over it and well be friends again. if not.. his lose right? yeeeeeeeep.
mmm so theres this guy and well long story short.
hes HOTTTT as fuck. i heard he called me ugly. i asked him cause he wanted me to send him a picture of him. [ not a slutty one ] and he said nahh i never said that and hes blunt as fuck so he woulda told me if he did and we like flirt and he told one of my friends mmm actually my bestfriend when he seees me again which will be verrrry soon that hell let her know if he likes me. so im hoping shit works outtt :) i dont know though. blahh. gota keeep my head up.


so guess what?!
TORIKNOCKOUT BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF KA!LEYR!OT.
ahahahahaa
bitch talked shit and got hit.
fuuuuuunyyyy shit.
cant stop laughing.



im actually content :)

with understanding comes with a change of heart.

the boy i waited so long for gave up on me.
the 4 months of no hookups, no liking boys, nothing was a WASTE.
oh welll, at least i know now. i guess.




things are getting worse but better at the same time.
i guess its life?! yeah.
im gonna let things ride out and see what happens.


this summer hasnt been as amzing as i thought, but oh well.
im gonna make this last month something to rememberrrrr.

im melting in your eyes, like my first time i caught fire.

i guess everythings slowly going back to normal :) or at least bettter.

its just another pretty lie, cause i break down everytime you come around

what the fuck is going on!?
):
nothing's going right. everything's slowly slipping through my fingers.
shit's getting to the point where i cry myself to sleeep everynight AGAIN.


i need to get out of califorina for a while, or at least out of OC
someone kidnap me, and take me to the river.

never say never

i always do something wrong.
FUCK, WHATEVER.

if you be my sunset, ill be your sillohoutte

NO more hookup's, no more liking boys, no more getting fucked over. NOTHING. i want ONE boy and that's it. my heart's set on him and i'm not gonna give up on him.


i love you.

run..

this isnt the first time someone IMPORANT to me picked drugs, a boyfriend/boy, and there OTHER "BESTFRIEND" over me so im use to it. but i never thought you'd actually do this to me. i never thought the day would come where when we hung out and i looked at you.. you werent the same. but it happened. your not the same bestfriend i had for almost 2 years. your changing and it sucks. i thought you were gonna be the only friend i could count on to not change but i guess i was wrong.. i feel like i cant come to you anymore because its like your not my hoeface anymore. and it sucks because you were the one person i always went to for advice. for everything and now i cant because it'll be like me talking to some random person i dont know.. not you): i wish you never turned to drugs, i wish you never replaced me with her, i wish you never got sucked into that group. i wish it was me and you all the time, going out to eat, going to the block and having sleeepovers. but noooo. i fucking love you more than anyone will ever fucking understand but i cant look at you the same. things will never be the same. nothing can bring you back. when my mom asks how your doing i usually say good because well be texting nonstop like we use to but now i say i dont know and kinda turn my head away. i need a fucking time machine. im trying so hard to just give up but looking back on the 2 years i cant. there's something that's holding me back from juss saying goodbye and moving on and i thik its cause your the one who made me stronger..

SO OVER IT.

get over the fact that i broke your "heart". you dont need to be a fucking asshole. i said fucking sorry, i know i fucked up but that dosent mean you can make me cry. YOU KNOW IM IN LOVE WITH YOU. yeah i didnt tell you cause i was scared. we've been fucking over this. i dont expect you to like me again, i juss want you back as a friend. i want things to be how they fucking use too be. i cant handle seeing you and not being able to hug you without you getting all ehh and when i talk or say one thing you give me the scarstic remarks. IF YOU DONT WANNA BE FRIENDS ANYMOE FUCKING TELL ME SO I DONT WASTE MY TIME TRYING TO MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT TO BE CLOSE AGAIN.
why the fuck are you doing this to me?

all i wanted to do was to fall in love, be in loveeee.

i give up on you. you've changed too much. i know ive always said i wouldnt let you go, but i am now. i juss dont know how to tell you.. :/ there's no hope in us anymore. NOTHING will ever be the same.
i guess ill hold on for a little bit longer and see how our "friendship" works out.
:[
gahhh

losing it.

i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

we knew it would happen eventually..

what do you do when your starting to fall in love with someone who's like an older brother to you? ive liekd him for 4 years since the day i met him, its only been a simple crush in the back of my head BUT recently things have gotten diffrent and im starting to actually likelike him and i dont know what to do. :[ he said a couple months ago i had a chance, but he's a man whore and gets with everyone.. or what he says is "i give everyone a chance." ha yeah right. tonight we flirted like crazy, i sat on his lap, he gave me his shirt to wear, i smelt like him the wholeee night, he was being an asshole so he told me to punch him so i did in the face like 6 times, harder each time and i made his lip bleed but i kissed the side of his lip like his cheek and we almost kissed but we didnt i dont know whyyyy. and he gave me a big hug and we sang songs together.. :/ mixed signals? yeeeah. and my friend knows i like him and she texted me everytime she saw us flriting and that was alot cause i got a text like every two seconds. we flirt, but he looks at me like a little sister?! whaaaat the fuck. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DIFFCULT!? like reallly? common now. i wish he was fucking easier to understand. gah. i help him with his fucking girl problems, im there everytime with open arms when he's sad and he keeps getting with the bitches that hurt him when IM RIGHT HERE AND I WONT HURT HIM! im not like the scene whores he gets with.. :/ maybe if i turn into a nasty scene slut he'll get with me! hahahahahahahahahah NOT. faaaack it.

im turning lesbien

i HATE boys.
nuff said.

i fell asleeep with the lights on.

today and last night were reallllllly good nights. last night went to the bpm of course, and i actually got along with anthony for once. hahahaha. i hit him once on accident and he didnt hit me back. and he gave me a goood hug!? ahhaha. werid i know. and he said the only reason he makes fun of my freckles and shit is cause they want me to get over it or something. i guess it makes senseee? tyler said im a pretty girl though :D who knows if he's kidding. hahaha. dgafff. i dont care what people reallly think of me anymore. like im slowly starting to get over my freckles. but if someone constianllty makes fun of them i get all ":/" yaa know? haaaa. oh well. and i saw chris last night. i was really hyper and me and tori were waiting for my dad to get us in the back of howies by the asain buffet and i see summer walk up and she's with dave and two other boys, and it was dark so i couldnt see who it was, and it was CHRIS! i didnt notice it was him and he got all asshurt and than wouldnt hug me, but i walked over to the front of howies to hug him. i was happppy. it made me night. and than today me and tori woke up at like 10 ate a huuuuuge breakfast with the family and we laid in bed for a while, than watched youtube video's ALLLL god damn day. and argued with some stupid person in her truth box cause they said ciggs arent drugs when we looked it up and they ARE. gah, stupid people. but i havent laughed this hard in foreverrrrrrrrrr. were gonna make viedo's on tuesday when we hang out. :} blahhh, today was a good day.


when im with certian people i wanna boyfriend, and when im with other people i dont. i dont even know ha. ill juss seeee where the wind takes me?! mmm yeah that sounds like a good idea.



schoools out on tuesday and the first day of summer starts offically. summerschool thoughh /: oh well. at least ill actually get credits. FUCK this summmer's gonna be fun i know it will but i dont think its gonna be as amazing as last summer with vee.. :[ fuck the past.
but i can actually say things are kinda going alright for once in a while.

there's nothing you can say, nothing you can do.

ive been in such shitty mooods latley, i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me latley. but i wanna go back to how i use to be. i wanna be smiling all the time. i wanna be happy like i use to, i wanna be able to walk in a room without someone asking if im okay, or if ive been crying :[
i mean i dont have the best life, but i dont have the shittest. i just want things go right for once. yeaaaa, things are going better than they were a couple months ago but the small things like getting jamie back as a friend is always a plus, getting chuck back makes me fucking smile nonstop. but im losing brandi slowly to drugs. im not gonna pass high school when im suppsoto. ive reliazed the way i am, and ALOT of fucken people dont like me from my past. i have friends but there fucking assholes to me. i dont even fucking know anymore. i really want new friends, i really want a boyfriend. i really want my freckles to go away. i really miss chris. i really want brandi back. i really wanna move to chacigo. i really just wanna start over..



i fucking hate my freckles. i got made fun of cause of them for like a whoooole fucking day. like are they REALLY that fucken bad?! i wish i liked them. i want them to go away. gah, when i dont wear that much makeup people are like ewww, look at your freckls, and when i wear makup there like eww, you wear too much makeup. like what the fuck! what do you fucking want!? seriouslyyy. fuck it. =l


I DONT EVEN ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.
things are falling apart, & i cant stand it anymore.

i give up, i give up, i give up.

im SO fucking done with boys. they're all honestly a big fucking pain in my ass. im sick of this "oh baby, dont worry i wont hurt you. your the only girl i like.." BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. yeah, if im the only girl you like why are you fucking that one nasty FAT manly beast THING behind my back?! huh? yeah, stick a dick in your fucking mouth and shut the fuck up. kthanks. gahhh.
this goes out to all the boys:
Never say I love you if it isn't really there. Never talk about feelings if you really don't care. Never hold my hand if you're going break my heart. Never say you are going to if you dont plan to start. Never look into my eyes if all you do is lie. Never say hello if you really mean goodbye And if you really mean forever Then please say you'll try ... Never say forever... because "that doesn't exist."



ahhh, i made peace with like so many people these past couple weeks. im pretty pleased with myself. why do i need to "hate" people? hate is juss a pointless emotion or whatever the fuck it is. haaaaa. i juss want everything to work out, i want this summer to be as amazing as last summer. but BETTTER! ahh.

and boy does it feeel so good.

i FINALLLY made peace with chuck. i think.
we talked today and he has a smile on his face the whole time, and he gave me a hug when i left. ahhh. seriously that's the only person i care about making peace with. i know were not gonna be as close as we were but at least i got him back as a friend right? i kinda wish i told him i was IN love with him a little earlier. maybe than i would have an AMAZING boyfrann and not get fucked over by these little faggots. ah shit. oh welllll. things happen for a reason, and if "faith" gtes us together than so be it. ima sit back and let the wind take me where it fucking wants toooo.



i found out today im gonna gradutae a month after im supposto! AHHHH.
well thats only if i do good in summer schoool, and if i get my shit together next year. which im going tooo. i wanna show everyone i AM fucking capable of making it through highschoool. i wanna make brandi, tori, my momma and everyone proud of me.<3



so i can pretty much say everything's starting to work out, & im pretty happppie.
nothing's gonna bring me down

who's gonna break your fall?

i need happiness in my life.
i need brandi, vee, chuck, and so many more people back in my life.
i talked to my momma today and she thinks the only reason i havent been happy is because the people i need the most have been walking out of my life like its just so damn easy..
why do i lose all these fucking friends? what am i doing wrong? =/ obviously im doing something fucking wrong if the only people i really care about are slipping right through my fingers.. i wish i knew how to get them back. but i guess they left for a reason? so if were ment to be friends, they'll come back right? i dont even know anymore. the one person i thought i would never lose is slowly leaving me. and im losing faith in everything.
what happened to the day me and vee went to the fair and we took that picture where she's holding my arm, and i told her i'd never let her go..
what happened to chuck texting me cute things and "ALWAYS" being there for me?
what happened to me and brandi being hoface& sugarmuffin forever?
shit happens i guess.






i dont even care about having a boyfriend anymore, all i want is my old life back.
god, is this too much to ask for?

struggle is nothing but love.

my mom thinks i have deppression, and anxiety..
all cause im never happy anymore. im never smiling like i use to, im not happy like i use to be, im not hyper like i was a couple months ago, im not the same bre. and when things arent right i cry. if i cant find my shoe i cry, when im alone i cry, when my phone dosent work i cry, when i cant sleep i cry, just little things bug me. i dont know what's wrong with me. its not like i wanna cry i juss do. its worse when im on my period. ive been so emotional latley and i dont know why. things arent how they use to be and i think that's why im not happy anymore. i just want to go back to when we were all a happy family, when drugs never came in the picture, when everyone loved each other.
too bad things wont go back to how they use to be no matter how hard i try to fix them.. :[




all i really want is my freinds back, a boyfriend, my old life back.
is that too much to fucking ask?!

this is war we cannot win

i blame myself for you turning to drugs, i dont blame anyonee else but me. i feel like after we didnt talk for those 2 monthss you started hanging with those kids, and they do drugss alot so you did it cause you were around theeem. i dont even knowww. i just feel like if we still hung out everydayyy or at least almost everyday you wouldnt have turned to those fucking drugs. like snorting adroal?! you know that shit's straight speed. everyoneee told meee. ive asked at least 8 people in the past 3 days since i last saw you. yeah its fucking speed and the sad thing is i dont doubt you doing it again when you told me you wouldnt, /: but its my shit to deal with. its YOUR life, if you wanna hang out with the druggies, and fuck up your life BE MY GUEST. i didnt wanna say this but i dont caree anymore. im sick of trying to help people and ME getting hurt in the process, i wont stand for that shit anymorreeee. im not trying to be a hyprocite cause yeah im doing drugs this weekend but im not doing speed, and this will be the first time in a while ive been doinggg this spefic drug. i dont do that shit everyday like some people i know :[ god, peoplee i care about piss me the fuck off. i kinda wish drugs werent so popularrr, or not everyonee knew about them. escipally people who are GOOOD people, with GOOOD intentions, have GOOOOD lifes, and have there whole life ahead of them.
ughhh, whateverrr.





im just happy im leaving for 5 days with toriiii<3
getting away from the BULLSHIT in DRAMAparkkkk,

i dgaf cause im bregaf.

im starting not to care about anyoneee or anything anymore. its bad? hah whateverrr. losing peopleee gets eaiser each timee. & when i get yelled at and dropped it dosent phase me that much anymore. nooone can really hurt me after what vee, cody, & chuck did to me. HA. gah, im so sick of people. i wish i could just take a machette to half the poeple i know's heads. likeeeee straight the fuck up. i hate so many people, i hate more people than i love. i dont think that's healthy. oh well right?
people wanna fight, well its a fucking war.
BRING IT.

lifeeeeeeeee

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upsetis a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

they dont see you like i do baby.

i wish i wasnt a shallow bitch :[ i wish i never fuckedup, i wish chuck still loved me. i wish i could still run up to him hug him, and sit on his lap. i wish i still got those cute text's & IM's at like 5 in the morning saying "as creepy as this sounds i stayed up all night kickin it with friends and you were the only thing i thought about." i wish he still stole my phone from me and i had to beg him to get it back, i wish he let me kiss his cheek, i wish i could go up to him, put my arm on him like a arm rest & he'd have his arm around me. i wish he stil dedicated cute songs like beatutiful to me, i wish me and him were still as close as we were/: i wish i never fuckedup. he's theeee only boy i regret fucking up on, i regret every bad thing i did. i regret "leading" him on, i regret "playing mind games" with him, i wish i wasnt sucha stupid bitch cause i'd be in love with him right now :[ fuck, i hate being the way i am sometimes. gahhh, he was the only boy i would ever trust going out with, he's theee only boy i cared about. yeah, i care about guysss, but i never cared about a boy like i care about him. :( whatever. i guess this is lifeee, & life goes on? suree. i just wish he was still here.
i love you charles anthony saxon, i never ment to hurt you the way i did. <3











i need a boy, /:
i wish i had chris still.

all the small things.

im sick of losing friends so i can help people. i do ONE goood thing and i get fucking yelled at and dropped by half my friends, sweeeeeeeet d0000d. i dont even care anymore. its fucking stupid. that's the last time ill ever try and help a friend. hah.

& me and kailey like arent as close as we were :[ greeeat. there go another friend. wooo!

i saw chirs. better known as the boy who hit it and quit it on saturday morning. bahahahahahaha.
me and my friend summer who's goood friends, like a sister to him went to his house to say bye to our friends before he left to sandegio for a week, so i walk in and he looks at me like what the fuck. i felt it was the look like what are you doing here? but i didnt care. i came to see ryand, not him. hahaha. and like he wasnt really flirting at first than he kinda got a little more flirty and than we kinda sorta cuddled after he dropped off a sac. i got so sad cause when i use to go over there like everyday when we had our thing he always took me to drop off sac's, like he'd grab my hand and walk with me and always kiss me. it was cute :[ i miss that. and when he came back, he laied next to me and i was holding his arm. so we were KINDA cuddling, but it wasnt like how it use to be /: than me and summer left and when we walked outside he gave me a huuuuge hug and i kissed my hand than put it on his cheek and than he grabbed me and kissed me. it like made me smile but than it made me miss that kid alot more than i did. fuuuuuhk, were never gonna go out, or even talk again so i dont know why im getting my hopes us again :[ i hate him.
ugh, i guess well have to see if he wants to try things out again. =/





i saw my bestfriend last night for the first time in 2 months :] i was pretty happy, execpt the fact that i didnt see her for that long/: ahhh. and she told me about her doing drugs and like i got kinda mad about it. i didnt tell her but it killed me when she told me. what happened to my little innocent bestfriend?! and stupid aaron was there. ugh, fuck him too. he hates me from me hurting him. BITCH ITS BEEN LIKE FUCKING 8 MONTHS. get the fuuuuck over it. gawd. whatevers. he can have that fucking "thing" he's dating. bahaha. i had a dream i beat the shit out of her last night. it was funny. i laughed when i wokeup. it made my morning. but than it got ruined when i saw kailey after 2nd and she said she needs to talk to me cause she's "irrated" with me. who the FUCK knows what its about. whatever.




im sick of all this drama.
gahhhh but at least im gonna get away from everyonee this weekend, thursday-monday.
river with tori, fack yesssh. & were gonna roll :P hahahaha! gonna be siiiiick as fuuuh.
im not gonna see tyler, anthony & cody :[ awh. sad, but hopefully is see chris before i leaveee. & when im on E i have a feeling ima be texting everyoneee saying sorry for shit and how i feel about them, bad & good. hahaha hopefully tori takes me phone away from me. lololol



ALI COMES DOWN MONAY! ahh! omgomgomgomgomgomg. i havent seen my baby in so long, im fucking excited<3

pokerfaceee

the block was pretty fun after a while. besides the fact that i dropped my phone off the top balcony of vans :[ now when i call people i cant hear them. but they can hear me. at least i can still text and shit. fuuuuuuuck my phone. at least i got it fo freeee:D hahahahaha.
last night kailey spent the night so i can take her to schoool, we had our bonding time.. kinda. i fell asleeep on her. and she stayed up ALLL night cause my sisters radio was on. bahahaha. pooor baby. but she came to schoool 2 hours earlier than when she usually starts, and im staying an hour extra so we're staying at schoool alllllllllllllll day for each other. were lame :p and than were going to her house after school so we can get ready together, eat dinnnner, i get to sit next to her HOT but mean ass brother /: & than go to the malll. i wanna get FUUUUUUHKED up d0000d. /: fuck. i think sanchez is gonna pick us up when he's sober and take us to get alcohol. fackyessssh.
mm so i texted chuck and was like do you work today and i get a big FUCK YOU. lololol. HAHHAHA well hey, fuck you too (;
when you see me tonight looking all cute your gonna wish you never fuckedup with me. so HA.
i know if he says anthing to me tonight, sober or drunk ima fucking break down :[ ahhh. fuck. ill have kailey and she wont let anything happen to me. <3333


i neeed to go to the gym or work out at home or something. fuuuuuuhk.
i hope i seee joshiepoo tonight :]<3333

your not worth losing sleep over.

boys take over my life, HA. straight up. if im not talking to one, im either fighting with one, looking for one, or crying over one. its patheic. hah :[ i need to focus on other shiiiet but boys but that wont happen. bahahah!
i hate the fact that the boys i dont want like me, and the boys i want dont want me. fuck that who;e cycleee. hahaha.
i wish girls never got feelings for boys, or boys werent so stoooopid.
"boys come from jupiter cause they're more stooopitder"
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA.
i need a boyfriend or something. nooo, i know what i need! i need a sex toy. /: hah.
well see what happens this weeekend with a certian someoneee, & if nothing than i guesss summer will be the time to find a boy? yeah.



im doing so goood in schoool. i buckled down and got my shit together finally. i finsished 3 classes, which were my main classes. im hopefully gonna graduate only a couple months after im suppusto instead of graduating 2 years like i got told. gahh im so happy im finally getting my shit together :>

me and kailey are suuuuper close and it makes me happy. last night we dedicated the gayest song's to each other. it was cute. she's like one of my bestfriends and im glad she's in my life cause she makes me laugh allll the time. were gay for each other.<33:D

what have i gotten into this time around?

ahh so i have siriueses shit in my hair which is like dry skin, its craddle cap that i never grew out of and seriously i brushed my hair this morning and i lost so much hair. like i pulled a piece of my hair out. like a chunk with that shit on it. ewwww, im going bald. my mom said im probally gonna have to cut my hair off. like ALOT. like a little up to my shoulders. wow, fucking great dude. my hair's the only thing i really have. everyone wants my hair cause its fucking loooong, and real! fuck that shit. im not fucking cutting my hair. ughhh, i hate this stupid shit. i wish it would juss go away /: but my hairs getting too long and its such a hassle so i guess i should cut it. ughhhh. fuuuck whateverrrr dude.



i get to see my bestfriend friday! :] im so fucking excited. were going ghost hunting. bahah. d00000d. i havent seen her in so fucking long. ohmygahhh. its been like 2 months /: thats WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to long but i get to see her. ahh and its only tuesday. this weeek's gonna go by so fucking slow. errrrg. fuck. oh well, at least i have something to look foward too. and hopefully i look cuuuuute for that one boy and if he flirts with brandi ill juss flirt with is bestfriend. HAHAHA! fuck iiiiiit.





boys are so lame, but lucky i gots my giiiirls.
brandi, britt, kailey & tori :D

well, count to ten, take it in

i never knew how strong i was until being strong was the only option i had /:
im not gonna be made broken anymore. im not gonna cry, im not gonna be sad, im gonna smile and carry on with my day. NOONE will break me. ive been called every fucking name in the bok byt the ones i "love"
ive been to fucking hell and back. im strong and never fall down. no more being weak.




im kinda sick of not having a boyfriend. yeah being single's fun but it gets lame after a while. escipally cause i havent hookedup with or kissed a boy in so long. well i have but i ment NOTHING. im always talking to at least 1 boy.. and now im talking to none. errrrg. well i flirt with people but im not talkingtalking and its like werid for me. i need action! HA.
there's only one boy i have in mind but tooooo bad im not good enough for him cause he wants both of my bestfriend /: ugh.
i neeeeeed to go to the block or somewhere and look for cute boys! i always say that but im being serious this time. ill actually talk to the cute ones.
noooooooooo, WAIT! ill go to a show and find those damn hardcore boys. mmm yummmy (;
but i guess ill juss sit back and wait for some fagg to come around >:l
i hate that ALLLLL my friends have at least someone. whaaatever.








THINGS I WANNA DO THIS WEEKEND:
-go to the beach at night and walk along the beach till we get kicked off.
-go find cute boys :]
-pull an all nighter with tyler anthony and cody
-go ghost hunting.
-get suuuuuper shammmered/party.



^^^^ someone needs to go with me, probally brittany for the beach thing, and getting super shammered and than the all nighter and the ghost hunting ill go with tyler, cody & anthony :D

fairytales dont always come true.

and juss when i thought everything was finally okay EVERYFUCKINGTHING falls apart.

im losing like everyone. everyone's slipping through my fingers.

im losing or lost so many friends since the beggning of this year. like i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. i lost the one boy who means everything to me. im losing my bestfuckingfriend. im losing so many people. i have like nooone execpt like 4 people :/ i dont know what's happened to me.

ive changed so much, its like fucking sad. i look at how i use to be, and how i am now and woooooooow. ive become sucha fucked up person. i dont even know who i am anymore. i dont know what to do with myself. im not the same bre i was like a year or 2 ago. i wish i wasnt who i am today. i never thought i'd say this but im fucking ashamed of who i am. i need change, but its so hard. i need to stop smoking ciggerates but i cant. cause when i try and stop i start feening and i fucking shake and it gets to bad i freak out if i dont get one. im so addicted in sucha short amount of time :[ its been almost a year since ive been smoking and im fucking addicted. this is gonna be so hard to not smoke. i need someone to stop with me so i have some support but none is, im doing this alone. fuck whatever. \



i need to lose weight, & i want my freckles to go away.
i HATE having pretty friends cause the boys i like always want them instead of me. i hate this. fuuuuuuck. kfhalsflaskas;
i dont even know anymore.

this isnt the end.

my number one fear:
Achluophobia - Fear of darkness
i had a dream last night i was in the middle of no where by myself, with no light, nothing and i got lost and died. so i woke up crying and that killed my day "/ but corey made it better when he told me that him, travis, and britt are gonna double date. and corey's my date :D its like not even a date, i dont know what it is. but he had his arm around me like the whole day so now MORE people think were dating. lololol. haahahhahaha. it makes me laugh. but 2nd period came and richard was being cute and than he got so mad at me when juan told him i was gonna go on a date wiff corey. he said the meanest shit and made my eyes water :( but i stopped crying and yelled at him and i threw away the picture he drew me, like i took it out from the front of my binder and ripped it up in front of him and threw it in the trash and he got so mad, like he told me he'd never talk to me again and shit and usually he always looks back at me when he's "mad" but he didnt this time so i think he hates me. HAHAH! oh wellll. the only thing good about him is he's attractive for being mexcian but other than that he's fucken lameee to the MAX. oh well ill find a new boy sooon. i always do :P
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
i hate seeing my good friends sad and homless.
like yesturday i went to the mall and met up with tyler and he's still homeless so i bought him food and gave him money so he can buy food the next morning. he stays at a park, not at a friends house at a fucken park! "/ i wish he could stay wiff me. but he cant. fuuuuck. he'll go home eventually. and tha dave was sad so i spent the last of my money on him to make him happy. i got him that dank choclate shiiiiet. lololol. hahaha. i spoil ALLLL my guy friends. its sad. but oh well :} i rather spoil them than spoil myself.

im slowly quitting smoking. i smoked like 4 ciggs through out the whole day and since than i havent had one :]
i cant cold turkey it, i mean i can but i dont want too cause ive only been smoking for like uhmm 10 months and shit dude im addicted. it fucken sucks. but ima quit so my teef dont get fukhed up and they stay white and nice like they are. hahahaha.
i need to buy myself lolipop's or something to relpace the ciggerates. i was thinking about weed but that wont work, so ima stick to jollyranchers and lolipop's :)
i hope people support my quitting and dont give me ciggerates.


ewsjhgutsdghdgsdgfsjhdgfse;'
i neeed a boyfrannn, to bad the boy im talking to lives like in buttfuckegypt.
he needs to come back to the bpm :[

maybe now we can pretend.

everything's starting to get better, FINALLY.

there's a few things that suck but its life and they'll smoothen out eventually.

me and brittany are suuuuper close like bestfriends close. me and chuck are friends again, i got away from the bullshit and drugs finally, im gonna see brandi tommrow for the first time in a loooong time, im gonna quit smoking ciggerates, im gonna lose weight hopefully and im getting my grades up! :D


yesturday i went to the bpm and on the way i saw posum! i yelled bestie and gave him a huge hug and kidnapped him cause he was gonna go to douchebags house and we went to howies and saw everyone and than he left. but i made a new friend! daves girlfriend summer. she's chill and were gonna kick it more often. than brian came so britt was all over him so me and sammie kicked it with everyone else. EVERYONE was there, besides a few people but it was still fun. nathan let me wear his jacket till he left for the beach it was cute. i looked "cute" in it cause it was a band jacket and it was kinda big. hah. and that one fag who swears like he's better than everyone tried to get all up on my junk like ALWAYS so nathan let me sit on his lap but i felt like my fatt ass was breaking him so i got up. than everyone started leaving and at one point it was me and josh and we talked about how he always gets hurt and i made him feel better and we texted that night and he was like i love you so much bre. it was cute. so i had a good night till some fag fucked it up by texting me saying he wants me to be his gf but i told him no cause he's a flirt and i dont trust him but he'll have to prove to me he really likes me and he said fuck it nevermind so he hates me again. he likes me one day he hates me the next, and its a fucking cyle that's been going on for like 2 weeks and im sick of it. but i woke up happy cause cause i woke up to a text messge from chuck at like 5 in the morning saying "creepy as it sounds i stayed up all night kickin it with friends, and you were the only thing i thought about" and i asked him what about and he said how amazing i am, but he's gonna explain it later cause he's going to sleep than he told me he loved me. so it made my morning.


bad things going on right now:
-no boyfriend.
and
-losing my bestfriend slowly.
and that's about it. everything else is fiiiiiine.
:]
thank god.

everything

i wrote bout brandi on here i take back.
i need you! :(
i miss my bestfriend. i need you more than ever right now. i need to see you. fuck.

so much to say, so little time.

CHUCK LOVES ME AGAIN! :D
we kicked it sunday when i came home from the river and everything went back to normal. finally i got him back. now i need to fix things with brandi.. it seems like she dosent wanna hangout with me anymore. whatever though. she has victoria and jacob. fucking coool. i never thought we'd fall apart. guess i was wrong. oh well dude. shit happens i guess. ive lost so many friends in the past couple years it dosent even affect me anymore. i juss want my bestfriend back, i juss want her to come down all the time. oh wait, she wont cause she cant leave her "friends" not even to see me for a day. yep. i live fucking 15 minutes away. i can come pick you up all the time but no. you dont want too. its chill. dont trip. i really dont think i can have a REAL bestfriend anymore. not after vee. not after that cunt fucked up my life. oh and she had to fucking audacity to fucking text me saying "i miss you" blah blah blah. than finally i told her she fucked up my life and im done. i cant go back to her. i cant go be bestfriends with her again cause if she dropped me for vince once, she'll do it again. fuck "bestfriends" there's no such thing as bestfriends FOREVER! fuck that shit. who needs a bestfriend?! i dont. i can depend on myself. ive already learned after vee fucked me over and i had nooone and when i was dealing with all this bullshit and brandi wasnt there i had to deal with it myself and i figured out how to be strong and deal with it by myself. so fuck you. im not ready to say goodbye yet but i know its gonna happen soon. real soon. goodbye's are easy for me now. after what happened with vee i got strong. im changing. and its scaring me. im not the old bre i use to be. what's going on with me?!? i dont know. there's so much i need to figure out right now..

im going, im going, im gone.

FINALLY, no bullshit, no drama, no phones, just me and britt for a whole weekend 23973025 miles away. i need to get away from everyone and everything. there's so much on my mind and i cant think about any of it when im in shitty ass califorina, better yet, shitty as buena park. getting away will do me some good. ill finally get to spill out everything and hopefully ill be in a better mood when i come back.

fuckshitniggerbitchcuntface

my phone wont turn on, and my mom wont get me a new phone for 100 dollars cause i dont "deserve" a phone for being such a bad kid. i guess since ive been hanging out with certian people ive changed. im not the old bre?! what the fuck. alright, dont buy me a phone cause of that. that's fucking cool. ill juss go get a job and get my own fucking phone. and i will. i dont care what kinda job i get, i think i deserve a phone. im getting goooood grades and doing so much better in school than ever and yeah ive been smoking alot more but im not doing like mad drugs like i would be if i was in fullerton. you taught me not to judge people and look what your doing?! you've never kicked it with my friends. you dont know how they are. they wont put me in a situation to hurt me, so your being a fucking hyprotical bitch dude. suck my dick.

seriously people need to stop underestamating me. they look down on me and tell me i cant do this, or i wont do this, or im not "capable" of doing this. i am, i proballly just dont want too. people tell me im a fucking whimp, and i cant fight but ive never gotten into a fight but ive been told when im mad i have a hard punch. im not scared to fight. i have a mouth and i dont know when to shut up to certian people and its not like i back down or anything i just have friends that step in and take over. yeah ill admit a year ago i was a little baby, when i heard someone was talking about me i'd cry, i hated confrotation, i hated being yelled at, i hated when people hated me, but now i can care less, hate me, ill like it more :] cause when you keep running your mouth about me, it makes me feel good to be known im talked about, so fuck off. people also dont think im smart enough. im smart, i know i am. i just dont apply myself because im more worried about boys, friends and other shit than schoool. ill snap out of this stupid teenage stage of mine and pass high school, you juss have to let me and not pressure me too. the more you pressure me and push me to pass high school the more lazy ill be. i wont take directions from you. if you think your gonna make me pass, trust me. you wont. you can tell me all you want, i wont listen to you. i wont pass for anyone but myself and when i feel the time's right, ill do it. but i will do it. even if its a year or so after im supposto graduate. at least i graduate right?! and boys, BAHAHAH! you think you can come in my life, get what you want, break my heart and leave!? if you think so, your sadly mistaken. im stronger than you think. if i let you come in my life, and you fuck me over, yes ill probally cry at first but trust me i wont cry for long. ill get over it and move on with my life, so if you plan on breaking my heart and totally ruining my life, it wont happen. i dont fall in love easily. ive never been in love. i like boys easily, and i get atttached super quick but i will never let myself fall in love so easily like ive seen my friends. i WILL keep my gaurd up and make you break it down. you wont get what you want as easily as you think. i wont have sex with you the first day i meet you, or kick it with you. i probally wont even kiss you. you wont get what you want, so if you think you will. your SADLY mistaken. dont even try it. ive been fucked with my whole life, ive been broken down and hurt more times than i can count, ive gone through more boys and gotten hurt by EVERY single one of them and it took me 4 years to finally reliaze that boys just want ONE thing nothing else and they'll lie to your face and tell you the cuuuutest things to get what they want and dip and im stronger than letting some patheic boy do that to me. im not gonna be your little sex toy you can play with. im not gonna be that girl you can hurt over and over again and expect me to come back, cause im growing up and not letting myself be a foool. underestaitmate me some more, but juss watch when i prove you all wrong.

LIES.

so i got lied to and told the guy i like died, but i found out he didnt. i found out he's just in the hospital. he had to be hookedup to an iv, he had brain damage, he didnt remember anyone for a while and he broke i dont even know how many bones. =/ but he's okay, he'll be out by thursday hopefully. i juss wanna see him. you know what's werid though? i cried more when i found out he was in the hopsital in pain than when i found out he died.. maybe its cause im scared of pain, so when i found out he was in pain i freaked out? who knows. im juss sosososos fucking happy he's okay. it made my fucking day so much better when tyler IM'd me and told me everything. im kinda nervous to go see him when he hangs out cause what if he dosent wanna see me? i dont think he knows how bad i wanna see him right now. fuck dude. i dont even know if i like him, i think i juss wanna make sure he's okay. fuck i hate when shitty things happen to the most amazing people who dont do ANYTHING wrong. but i guess things happen for a reason? i dont know. i juss need something to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off of anthony till i get to see him.
blahhh i dont know why i waste my time on you. ive liked you for 3 years and i finally told you and it was too late, im too much of a little sister to you, or whatever.. and you dont wanna hurt me. ive seen you go through girls like no other. and it sucks that no matter what im always there at the end, im always there to help you and shit. and im sick of it. i wish i didnt care for you. GODDAMMIT.



the river this weekend.
hopefully brandi goes with me.
we need bonding time.<3

death.

is the one thing i never thought would happen to you.. i saw you before you died. saturday.. you didnt say hi or anything. you walked past me and tyler said you guys would be right back.. you never came back. i get an IM from tyler saying "anthony got in a horrible accident." i freaked out and asked what happened. all he said was he got hit on uclid and ball.. and i asked if he was okay.. he said he has noo idea.. i never got an IM back. my phone didnt turn on the whole day. than around 6 i went to tmobile and i got a new battery and i turned on my phone. i go on aim and i see RIP ANTHONY as tylers away message and i didnt belive it. no one could get ahold on tyler.. he didnt IM me back. i finally text julain and ask if he died and he said yeah :/ i started crying, i didnt think i would. i looked at all our old IM's. they always make me smile. you were always a dick to me, you were sucha an asshole but you were always kidding.. you'd tell the funniest things. i'd always laugh when you'd IM me, even when you were being mean. only a couple times you were nice to me. you told me you liked me, and you denied it. but you'd seem like you did. i dont know if you did or not cause you were always so fucking scarstic. i miss your smile, your eyes, your stupid little gap in your teeth, your voice and the way you'd sit there, the things you said to me. everything. i dont know what im gonna do when your not at the bpm with tyler when im there. i juss want you here. i juss wanna see your smile again. i never got the kiss you told me i'd get, i never took you to sushi and to get you choclate milk like i promised i'd get you, you said that's all you live for. so i thought if i got it for you you'd be happy.. now i cant and i cant belive it. i dont think i can look at a macheete, choclate milk, sushi, that stupid video game you always played, listen to afi, eat taco bell, or anything. i dont know what to do. you know how i felt about you, and i never knew how you felt and it sucks cause ill never know. whenever i hear your name now ima remember you, trust me ill never forget you. you were sucha an amazing kid. you might not think so, but you were. even id we've known each other for about a month and a half your always gonna be in my heart anthony... i miss you and i cant wait to see your amazingly incridble smile again.
you had me at hello. =/

i said i never let you go

ah, im so freaking excited for this weekend. i get to see my hoface. go shopping, ima party wiff some friends, hang out with cute boys, go boy shopping and porbally get fuckedup. ha. i shouldnt have said i'm done getting fuckedup cause i know im not. im juss getting started! :p ahh, i dont know. but im gonna have fun this weekend, i wont let anything get to meeeh.
so, i kinda found a new boy. well like 5 actuallllly. hahaha. there's this SUUUPER cute kid richard in my 2nd period and when he walked in he was like hey babe thanks for last night it was fun and winked at me in front of my friends juan and anthony and they started laughing and i was like wait, what're you talking about?! and he was like dont pretend you dont know what im talking about and i was like ahhh what the fuck cause i was confused and he was joking. he likes to joke wiff me alot. and i wrote him a note saying "your a straight up fag<3" juss being my flirty self and he wrote one that says "breanna <3 richard with all her heart always and forever" acting like i wrote it and i was drew him a picture of me and him holding hands and it said bre & richard with a smiley face and i drew an arrow pointing to the back and in big bold letters i wrote NOT! and he acted like he got all sad and threw it away and we kept flirting and stuff and im the TA for the office 4th period and he came in late from lunch and was like damnn look at this little cutie behind the counter and i smiled and so did he and he walked out and after 4th period i had to take something to a teacher and he was walking like next to me but more behind me and he was like damnnn baby dont ever say you dont have an ass again cause you do, and its cuuuute. and i laughed and told him to shutup and we flirting a few more times and than he left. he's super cute. i like 2nd period now :] bahahahahah! and ive been talking to old flings lately and its kinda weird but its chill i guess. i need a a boy but im dont think ima get back wiff or hookup again with old flings cause we stopped talking for a reason right? i dont knowssss but i know ill find a boy soon. i aint trippppin no mores. ill hopefully find someone this weekend when i go b0iiiiiiiii shopppinnn. fgucasfkhasklfs;


i need something to do wiff my hair =/
its pissing me off.
its toooooo long and way to plain.
i think ima dye it and cut it or something idkkk


for once, in a loooong time everything's starting to work out for the better, and everything's finally okay.
im actually content<3

have faith in me.

so everything's slowly starting to work out for the best. im getting all my friends back slowly. i made "peace" with like 6 people and i feel so much better. me and brandi are finally back to how we were before. the only person i really need to talk to is chuck. that's gonna be a tough one. i wrote him a loooong ass note about everything and how i feel and stuff. i hope me and him get back to how we were. he says he dosent want me out of his life, but he sure does act like it. i dont know anymore. im gonna try and try until i finally get him back and i wont give up till i do. he dosent understand how much he means to me. well he might after he reads the note. i have this gut feeling that he'll come back. im not losing hope juss yet.
hopefully this weekend me and brandi get away. i need to get away and think about ALOT of things. boys are so god damn confusing. shieeet. im over chris. i think. i need a new boy. and if i dont find one i KNOW ima be attached to chris still. damn me and my attachment to boys, =/ but i know once i go boy shoppping this weekend ima find a new one and ill be over chris. and that's all i need. welll someone from the past is comming back, well 3 people actuallly and im not sure if its goood or not. well seee.

long time no talk.

damn, i havent wrote in this thing in forever

so much as changed in these past couple months
i havent seen my bestfriend in about a month. we barley even talk now. she's too into partying than hanging out with me. i feel werid when i text her cause i know she's either getting drunk at some party, or with the fullerton kids. i feel like they've all taken my place. but its weird cause when anything bad happens she's always the first person i text. i honestly dont know why i dont talk to her anymore. i miss the shit out of her though =/ i juss want everything to go back to normal. i want me and tori to be close again, i wanna see brittany. i havent seen her in like 4 months. her and tori arent bestfriends anymore either. i dont know why all of a sudden things are starting to fall apart. i guess we all juss went our seprate ways. tori has brian, i have my friends, britt and brandi have thiers.. i guess its for the best. at least were all happy.. welll at least they are.
i had a loooooong talk wiff my friend tyler about basically everything. we talked about my past, the boys, the drugs, the old me, the new me. everything. i miss the old me. i miss the little girl who cared more about her girlfriends than boys, who never thought about touching a drug, who was so against ciggerates. the innocent girl who was a virgin who didnt do anything wrong. look at me now.. im a total fuckup. i've come to the conclusion that im not gonna do drugs anymore, i'm quitting smoking ciggs, im not gonna do anything sexual until i have a constint boyfriend for more than 6 months. i wanna be the innocent little girl again. i dont wanna be this corrupted person anymore. i need change.
boys will be boys. some things never change.
ive talked to like 4 boys in the past month and a half. im talking to someone right now, but he already fuckedup. too bad im too attached to him to let go.. he fucked someone behind my back when i was at the river, and he was 'rolling'. hmmm, wonderfull right? well he said sorry and he seemed serious about it BUT who knows. ALL my girlfriends that know him are telling me he juss wants to hit it and quit it and shit but i dont knowww, cause his BESTFRIENDS that are my really good friends are telling me that he really does like me, but maybe there saying that so ill belive them and he'll get to hit it and quit it? i dont even know anymore. should i let myself like him and keep talking to him? and risk getting hurt? or juss stop talking to him? but i dont think i can juss stop talking to him cause im attached to him. i like him more than i thought i would and it sucks cause i dont wanna get hurt again.
its been like 5 guys since the begginging of the year that have hurt me and its only been like 4 months since 2009..
i thought 2009 was gonna be diffrent? mm guess not.
i just need someone who wont fuck wiff me. someone good. but that's not gonna happen any time soon.


why do i feel like im lsoing everyone i love?!
-brandi.
-chuck
-tori
-brittany
-ali
-alexa
and so many more people.
ive iscolated myself to hanging out wiff a couple people and i havent seen my BESTFRIENDS in forever.
i dont know how much more of this stooopid shit i can take =/



i need to get out of here.
i'm going to the mountains this weekend.
i dont care, im leaving

i hope you dance.

noone will ever understand the weekend i have.
the only one who ill understand is christina cause she was right there with me :)
this weekend was probally one of the best ones i've had in a long time, if not THE best.
i cant even explain what had happened.
lets juss say i went to sleep with a fatty smile on my face, and wokeup with one too.
sleeeepover at dj's are theee best.
me and christina are like closer than ever.
she's the only one ill ever smoke with, she makes me fucking laugh till my stomach hurts.
"do i need a fucking shower?!" "i make it rain on dem ho's!"




i feel so empty right now.
im usually talking to at least one boy, and now im talking to none. its diffrent not talking to a boy.
its goood though,
i dont feel like a sleeezy fucking whore.



i neeed to drop everyone's who's causing me bullshit drama.
i've been in the DONT GIVE A FUCK kinda mood lately. i'm not sure if its bad or not.
i need to lose some weight, shittttt.

the adventure.

"i cannot live i cannot breath unless you do this with me"
i heard those words singing from the computer this morning.
i sat there, than went on my photobucket and saw ALL mine and vee's old picture.
it brought tears to my eyes. GO FIGURE.
but she's happy, so i guess i am too.

i was talking to my friend in one of my classes and we were talking about the past and i reliazed i fuckedup with alot of people. mostly boys. i relaized who was good, when i thought they werent. who i wish i never woulda let go, who hurt me, who didnt, and all this kinds of bullshit. i wish i could say sorry and tell everyone what i think without caring.
but i cant.
:/

i dont even talk to my BESTFRIEND anymore. we've tallked every single day for the past year a hlaf and juss not talking randomly for almost a week is killing me. i need her. fuuuuh. am i loosing her?! shit. i dont even wanna think about that right now.


so, i got stabbed in the eye today with a pencil and it started bleeding.
me and cody were joking and we were play fighting and i had a penicl in my hand and he said to smell my hand cause it smelt like banana's and he hit my hand to my face and my fucking pencil stabbed my in the eye lid and i have a bruised eye lid. it started bleeeding. and than douchebag walked me to christina's house. wow, things between me and him have changed. he's so fucking stupid. like he was saying the stupidest shit and talking about other girls in front of me like WTF. hellllllooo im right there. dont you see when you talk about other girls i get sad? god boys are so fucking blind its patheic.
i was talking to about 6 boys, like TALKINGTALKING. juss having fun, like flirting. and they all slwoly started to fuck me over in the amount of like 3 days..
shit. and this one boy i like alot is talking to some girl but keeps flirting with me kinda. idk >:/ fuuuuck. i need a boy to play with. HAHAHA.

theee only thing im happy about is to see chuck.<3

you are my only one.

i came to the conclusion i only care for ONE boy and that's chuck. he's the only boy who hasnt fucked me over, who's been there for me since day one. he's seen me at my worst, he's seen me at my best. he cares about me than all these other pussywantingdontcareaboutme fuckers. he's the older brother ive always wanted. i know i can turn to him and he'll be there. no matter what. anyday, anytime, anyplace. that boy has ALL my fucking heart. i hate seeing him hurt. ive seen him cry over some dumb cunt. i had to sit on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck while i told him how much i love him and how amazing he is juss to make him smile. he cant be mad at me for more than a goood 5 minutes. im always smiling and laughing around him. i cant help but be happy when i see him. he's THE MOST FUCKING AMAZING PERSON ON THE FUCKING PLANET. & im not even exgraggting. he gives so much and gets nothing in return. ahh i hate seeing him hurt. :( he's my brother and if any cunts fuck with him they'll be 6 feet under. <3


shitballs, i miss my fucking bestfriend. i havent seen that ho in like uhhh a month almost :( what the holy fuck. she's always busy wiff the st00o0opid fullerton assholes and her new "bestfriend"



i hate when boys give mixed singals. i dont know what the fuck to think anymore. & i hate when you cant get over a boy no matter how hard you try, FUUUUCK. i give up.

Demeter the Greek Goddess

i wish i never got so attached, i wish you didnt have that fucking smile, i wish you didnt hold me when you hugged me, i wish you didnt have those amazing eyes, i wish you didnt have that adorable laugh, i wish you werent sucha man whore, i wish i never fucking met you. i FUCKING HATE YOU but than i see you and all these feelings come rushing back to me and i cant help but smile around you. i should have never made the mistake of telling everyone i thought you were cute, or how i wanted you. i should have never went to your house that day. i should have never kissed you, i should have never went in your room, i should have never agreeeded to anything you said. i should have told you i was a virgin so you coulda said no, and i wouldnt have been so fucking attached. i shouldnt have done anything with you. my mistake was looking at your blue eyes and kissing you. once our lips touched i was hoooked. and the sad thing is im attached on you, I FUCKING LIKE YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW and what am i to you? juss another hook up. you even told me. i said okay. but inside i was broken. you dont know what you fucking do to me. you break me down in the hall when you dont say hi, when you dont hug me, when you flirt with other girls in front of me it hurts. no it dosent just hurt it fucking kills. that time you saw me crying at school its cause of YOU! its all cause of you. i broke down twice cause of you. i cant handle seeing you, but when i dont i get sad. so im fucked either fucking way. i should have listened to everyone telling me your a man whore and your juss gonna fuck me over but i decided to listen to my 'heart' and do what i wanted for a change and look where it left me. CRYING EVERY FUCKING NIGHT! yeah i fucking cry evernight cause of you. look what you do to me, and you dont even care. your too busy smoking your weed, getting drunk, and fucking all these other fucking nasty cunts. i cant take it anymore. i dont know what the fuck im gonna do. i cant get anyone else, and i dont want anyone else but YOU! i wont get with another boy. i cant. i dont know what the fuck im gonna fucking do. i'm stuck. i cant take the crying anymore. i feel fucking patheic. ive never once been this attached to a boy. and the sad thing is you DONT like me. you used me to get in my pants. you got what you wanted and left. you told cody you were done with me, than you message me saying how you want me and all this bullshit. stop fucking with me, please :( i cant do this anymore. i honestly wanna fucking move away, far away from you so i never have to see you again. tooo bad i cant live without seeing you. YOU HAVE ME GOING INSANE. stop with the mind games. im loosing all self control. you called me last night at like 11 saying you wanna see me and shit. you werent drunk you were juss high and than you called me at like 1:30, than 2:30 and like 7 times in betweeen. all cause you wanted 'some' welll HEY FUCKER im not your little sex toy you can play with whenever the fuck you want. i have feeelings too. but you dont care. ahhhh. >:/ all i want is for you to know how i feel, and if we keep hooking up you only hook up with ME and actually devolp feelings for me and not keep leading me on. OH and i want my bestfriend here. but she's never around anymore.. ): we dont hang out everyday, i only see her on the weekends. well not recently. i miss her. FUUUUUUCK.

everytime we touch.

"your stupid bre. he's gonna hurt you more, why do you keep giving in?"
that's what i was told by all my friends at schoool. i got fucked over by the boy i like, ONCE AGAIN. ha go figure..
found out he's fucking someone ive known since i was 4 years old, & this girl has always looked up to me like i was her older sister, i was always her rolemodel and than i find out she's FUCKING HIM?! so my reactions like WHATTHEFUCK?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! and i freak out, text him and ask him if they hookedup. he acts stupid and is like who's that? i explain her to him since he "dosent" know who im talking about. than he tells me he gave her my number and she's gonna call me. wonderfulll. she calls me at work, dont answer. call her after. she dosent answer. she calls me back in the car on my way home. she ask's who's this, i say bre. who's this? and she dosent know who i am, i explain to her who i am. she says oh.. and im thinking in my head yeah bitch you fucking know why im calling you but im like yeah, so i have a question and she says what.. i was like are you fucking brandon?! and she's like no, blah blah blah and gives me attuide and im like oh HELLL no bitch and im like yelling at her and shit and i call my good friend cody who's bestfriend with my crush and im crying and he calls that ugly cunt and has my crush yell at her and today my friend tells me that my crush is done hoooking up with me. and im sittting there in shock like what?!? he juss looks at me with a :/ face and tells me he's not worth it and i feel my eyes start to water, i lean my back to hold them from streaming down my face and it didnt work.. i put my head down and next thing i know my makes up running down my face. i juss sat there with a blank expression as tears ran down my cheek and cody had to hug me so i would stop. this is the second time in like a weeek that i broke down at schoool because of him. i look at cody and he dosent know what to say. i look away and sit in silence for the next 20 minutes. so many thoughts ran through my head i thought at one point my head was about to explode.
i still cant believe all the lies you told me. and the sad thing is i believed them..
after valentines day i thought it was gonna work. i thought things were going somewhere.
but you "dont" remember anything we talked about on valentines.
you called me drunk off your ass. the first thing you say to me is "babe! where are you?!" i tell you im at my house and you tell me how you and cody are comming over and how bad you wanna see me, and how pretty i am, and how you like me and ALL this bullshit. i actually thought you ment it. guess not. oh and you wouldnt even tell me on the phone what you thought of me, you had to wait till you got home to TEXT it to me. probally cause the girls your hookin up with now were right by you. GREAT.
and you telling me im not the only girl you hooked up with but im the last girl you fucked! YEAH EVERYONE WHO'S READING THIS, I FUCKED BRANDON PHILPHS. IM NOT KEEEPING IT A "SECRECT" ANYMORE. I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THE BULLSHIT THIS FAGGOT HAS CAUSED ME. but than i hear you fucked that dumb bitch jessica. what the fuck. and juss the fact that you told me im not the only girl your hooking up with makes me fucking deppresed and disappointed in myself. i gave you the only thing i have to myself. my virginity. you dont know you took my virginity. im too scared to tell you. i told you ive had sex before juss cause i didnt think you'd wanna hookup with me if i was a virgin. i wanted you since the first day i saw you. took my like 6 months to finally get you, and when i got you i was the HAPPPIEST fucking girl in the world. i couldnt stop smiling. i thought you were gonna start to like me, HAHA! oh wow. what a fucking mistake i made. mm damn im funny for ever thinking that.
this is to everyone: i lost my virgnity to him. i didnt fuck anyone else. if i said i did, i said it to make myself feel better and feel more like my friends and im sorrry if i lied. i dont care if you think imma liar, go ahead. im letting out everything now. i gave him ALL that i had and he fucks me over. who does that!?! obviously him. bahahaha, god i pick those winners.
brandon if your reading this, you fucking suck in bed, you're HORRRRRRIBLE at kisssing and your not that cute. your a scrony white piece of shit :)
OH! & I HAVE A FUCKING ULSER. ISNT THAT FUCKING WONDERFULL?! yeah dude, fucking wonderfull. went to the doctors today & found out i have a fucking ulser. cant eat, cant pee, cant even lay down without getting stomach pains and throwing up. god fucking damn. this is such bulllshit. all i want is at least one thing to go fucking right. BUT that'll never fucking happen. there's always one bad thing that has to happpen.
yeah, i lost one of my BEST friends cause of brandon.. chuck. i lost him cause of that piece of shit. i told chuck i needed to talk to him and i told him something serious and he got mad and now isnt my friend. chuck's THE only person who has never once hurt me, fucked me over or anything and i lose him cause of a boy who dosent mean shit now?! bahahaha. god my life is perfect. i cant stand any of this anymore. im getting to the point where im about to fucking leave this state. im so done with everyone. its patheic, honeslty.
all i want is my bestfriend to be here cause she always makes me feel better but she lives to fucking far. wow, the only person i need right now cant even be here to help me. great. im fucked. :/