Everything is falling apart and i dont know what to do with myself.
im breaking down, im having a nervous breakdown and i have noone to talk to.

If i die young

Ive been thinking alot, about everything.
i need a new group of friends, or something new.
the same old thing isnt always the best.
i mean, i got my bestfriends, and the homies i kick it with.
but i dont got that one group i kick it wtih everyday, that new group who knows nothing about me, or my past. who will accecpt me for me, and love me for me. and not my flaws, or anything.
time to go find a new group of friends..
and i kinda wish my bestfriend wasnt taken, not juss so we can hangout with boys, but for the simple fact itd be me and her alll day, everyday, wed be free to do as we please. but shes happpy, so its okay.
i need a guy bestfriend who knows everything about me, someone who knows who i am, and loves me for me, someone i can hangout with everydaaaaay, and not catch feeelings for, juss someone to be there when i need them.
i use to have that person, but that ones loooong gone. i have my girl bestfriend. i juss needa guy bestfriend.. a REAL one. not one who i call "bestie" someone real, someone i can love and be myself around.

I WANT HAPPINESSS.
i think it but its leaving me.. and i think i made a mistake, well find out soooon.
i juss wish this happiness stayed around for a little longer.
but i guess if it did, id get hurt a little more.
fuck.
:/ i juss want complete happinessssss.

Love made me blind.

I guess all good things come to an end.
but fuckit, its time to ride solo :)
not giving a fuck about anyone or anythinggggg anymore.
ima do me.
i guess yesturday and today made me relaize alot.
life is way to short to get mad and hate people, and to care & trip about stupid things. i guess things happen for a reason and i just gotta be stronggg.


i love you grandpa, RIP<3

I guess you could say everything is going quite smoothly :)
i got the job at macys, im juss waiting for an opening so i can start. im stoked as fuck on that. finally got a job, and now gonna have my own money to do things, then hopefully gonna get an appt with veeeeee! now i juss have to study to get my permit, then when i get it i gotta wait like 2 weeks then get my license and i already got a car i juss gotta get my damn licneseee!
and im talking to the cutest boy in the world. like, i cant remember the last time ive liked a boy this muuuuuuuch. like, he holds my hand when hes driving, he tells me how cute i am even when im juss sitting there, he calls me cute names, he holds me, and kisses me, my head and my cheeeeck. i havent gotten butterflies from someone juss looking at me in forever, and thats how i feeel about him. hes got his life together too, hes got a GOOOOD job, a car, and i know he can take care of me. i really hope it works. if not, you know there's always other fish in the sea i guess. ha.
i havent been this happy in a while, i guess making wishes on 11:11 do come true :p

Somethings will never change.

my new perspetive on life is fuck what everyone thinks, if im not getting what i want / deserve ima walk the fuck away, and never look back and go find something that I think is better and if im wrong about that too ima keep walking away till i find EXACTLY what im looking forrrr.
i deserve the fucking world, and im not gonna count on anyone to give it to me, ima get it myself.
:)

I need to let you go, but i cant.
theres something holding my back from not wanting to let you go.
maybe its cause im still in love with you.

:( i dont want anyone but you but well never be how we were.
im stuck.
im fucked.
im going crazy.

I CANT FUCKING GET OVER A CERTAIN SOMEONE.
I DONT KNOW WHY. I CANT.
:[
i juss wanna let him go, but i cant. i cant let him go. i dont want him to be with anyone but me :/
i want him alllll to myself.
i want him to be mine, i want him to love me like he use too,i want him to wake up and text me cute things like he use too, i want him to kissssss me and hold me, and be all cute with him like he use too, and say i love you before he left to go home, i HATE this. I FUCKING HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH. i want him to be mineeee again, i wanna fight with him, then make up and make everything alright.


seriously, yeaaa i talk to alot of boys
ill flirt with them, BUT if he wanted me back id drop them alll and be his.
i jusss wanna be as happy as i was before.
im sorrry i broke your heart baby, im sorrry i left you, im sorrry i let you go, im sorrrry i didnt take you back, IM SORRRRY.
juss be mine again please ): your perfect for me, and i neeeeed youuuuu.

I feel like everything is slippin through my fingers.
I feeel like nothing is right anymore.
NOTHING makes sense.
i mean yeaaa its life but im NOT supposto feeel this fucking way.

i juss wanna be everything everyone wants me to be, but i feel like i cant please everyone.
i feeel like im not good enough for anyones standards.
the only person who understands me isnt even in my life anymore.
i feeel so lost.
fuck allll this, im juss not gonna fuck a fuck about anything or anyone anymore.
im now and forever heartlesss.

I dont even know what to say right now..



fuck the world.
im over this.

Things are getting so much better for me.
i got my collge ID to take my classes so i can graduate :)
then right after that, like maybe a week or so ill be registered for classes.
yeaa, its at cyrpesss but only for the first semester then ima swtich to like occ, or golden west or MAYBE even fjc.
thatd be coool, i juss wanna graduate and go to college!
i cant wait to get my life started, with my job and get an apt. and ahhh!
i retake my permit test sometime this weekend or next week.
i need to study, i cant fail for the 4th time :/ im juss really bad at studying, ha.
i know the stuff but the questions are stupiddd. why do you really need to know some of the stuff? like its dumb. oh well i gotta study it so i can pass i guess?


me and summmer have become really close, ive been at her house for the past week like everyday. i love hanging out with her, and being around craven.
shes seriously become one of my bestfriends. we talk abotu everythingg, and we help each other with stuff.
vee is a little mad about it, but shes had 2 bestfriends before. so why cant i?
i dont get it. oh well, if she cant accepct the fact i have more then 1 bestfriend then obviously she dosent wanna be my friend. and i guess friends come and go right?
fuckittttt.
gahfshfjafsa, chris came back into the pictureee. >.< i dont know what to do with that kiddd. hes a manwhore we all know, and summer knows him the best outa everyonee. but she said maybe hes changed and he ONLY like me? but its so hard to belive that since he fucked my "friend" behind my back when we first started datingg, who knowsss. im stuck between him and aaron. and i have a feeling there both juss gonna fuck me over. idkkk,a sfkahflak fa balls.






IM HAPPPY.
everything is starting to get bettterrrr.

You cant trust everyone you meet.

Thats what you get when you let your heart win.

I did alot of thinking last night, and i came to the conclusion i dont need anyone but myself.
i dont need anyone to make me happy but myself.
im more then okay on my own.
why have a boy? there pointles cuase evetnually there gonna break my heart, and why waste days months or even years on a boy whos gonna juss hurt me in the end?
i dont neeed that.
i need to get my licnese, go to college and get my shit together before i even start to think about boys.
plus theres no boy i even wanna date / talk too. cause after a week or so they turn into fucking douchebags.
the only boy who i want juss likes to fight with me everyday of my life and wont forgive me for breakin his heart SO FUCKING LONG AGO..
and i dont neeed that.
im not giving up on boys, im juss not gonna go chase them.
if the right one comes around, then welll let fate get us together or not.
if not, fuckit. IM HAPPY WITH MYSELFF.

Things are slowly turning out okay.
me and tori are really close again :)
it feels really good to know i got her back in my life.
i got my nose repierced in vience! its juss like really sore cause i keep playing with it, and i somehow ripped it out of my nose last night ): i hope it dosent get infected againnnnn.
and my birthdays in exactly in 47 dayssss!
asfhalfhaksfas, ahhh. and i still dont know what to do!

todays my sisters birthday and all yesturday and today so far weve gotten along.
its good.
and im not even trippin on boys, if they want me they can come get me. i aint gonna go chase em anymore.
:)
things are gooodogoooooGOOOD!

Im sucha dumb ass for beliving all your lies for SO longgg.
i shoulda listened to roxy.
i knew you were bad news from the start, but i was toooo lovestruck with everythingg you were.
but now.. now i look back and damn. your not all that speical.
You lost the best thing your gonna get.
You aint ever gonna find anyone else like me, noone is gonna EVER i mean EVERRR compare to me.
Im not the dumbass anymore, you are.
have fun with the next girl.



im stronger now

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

So much has been going on.
im gonna try and stop drinking. i mean ill have a beer here and there, and if i go to a party or a kick back, ill drink a few. im not gonna sit there and get shittty.
bad things happen when your drunk.
boys who have fucked me over are like comming around, and im juss so dumbfounded. and there the boys i liked the most.
im juss kinda like uhh.. >.< but im layin off the boys for a while. or at least ima try. im juss a 17 year old boycrazy girl. i dont know why im trying to find the perfect boy. im 17! im not gonna find the right boy till laterrrr on in life. i mean yeah, vee and vince are like lucky cause they found thier "true loves" so early on in life. but me, naaaaah. im juss gonna kick back and have fun. not gonna be a slut though. ima do whoever i want, hangout with whoever i want, and do whatever i want. its MY LIFE.
Holyyyyshit. i turn 18 in like exactly 46 more days! i dont know what im gonna do for my birthday! either a party? or, like.. i dont know. fuuuckshitdammit.
whatever.

Lungs filled up with smoke.

I was looking at pictures in my computer and there all from the past and i miss it more then anything.
i miss how things use to be. i miss my old friends, i miss the old bre, i miss when i never drank, when i didnt smoke weed or ciggerates, when i was all small, and smiled all the time, when didnt care about anything, when i had good grades, when i didnt get "transfered to the bad school" when i was in softball, when i was fit, when i was happpy.
i miss everythinggg from the past. and for some reason i cant let it go.

What the fuck is going on!


im so confused with life.
/:

2 years ago i broke your heart, you got a new girlfriend, you hated me, now a year and a half later you guys break up and we start texting, and even kinda flirting.
i dont know what to think.
maybe its a sign? i dont know what kinda sign though.
i dont know if i still have feelings for you, but i do know that i miss you.

oh shit, i hope that things work out and im happy.
:)

I need help.
i need to stop dinking, i need to stop hookin up with boys who im not gonna go anywhere with.
i dont know what to do.
someone help me ):

Im lookin down at this mess that you made and cant belive that i stayed so unhappy for so long, where did i go wrong?

Everything reminds me of him, my bed, his shirt i sleep in, 27s, his lighter, his jacket that i wear all the time, his glasses i stole, his colone thats stuck on my clothes, his face is like planted in my face, all the cute memopad notes he wrote me on my phone.
2 fucking days without talking to him, just because i wouldnt have sex with him, on and off talkin to him for i dont even remember how long..
i was actually happy, we fought but for like 5 minutes then hed say sorry and wed get over it, i was the ONLY girl he ever brought around his friends, all his friends would tell me how much he likes me, and how he would talk about me 24/7 after i left, they all liked me, they said i was a down girl and i was good for him. my mom liked him, so did my dad. my sister thought he was cute, and all did my friends, but now hes gone cause ima fucking idiot and didnt have sex with him.. ha.
sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

I thought everything would get better but its really not.
everything is turning to shit, everything is getting worse.
nothing seems right anymore, NOTHING does.
i really need to get away.. :(



someone come and someone come and save my lifeee

Im stuck.

Theres so many things I dont know what to do withhh?!
- i have two people who were both the BESTfriends ive ever had, and they hate each other and i want them both to be my bestfriends, but i cant. i pretty much have to choose but i dont wanna ):
- i like someone i know i shouldnt, hes the past thoughh. we already had our time and its over but i still have feelings.. and the guy im dating is fucking me over in front of my face and i wont let go.
theres other things too i just dont wanna say..
i dont even know what to do right now.
im a fucking mess.

So i looked through fucking adams phone and i saw a text to his ex sayin ily babe i cant wait to see you and shit, so i threw his phone at him and he tried to bullshit me, and he tried to make up lies, he made up so many stories then came up with a legit one, then tried having sex with me after. what the fuck? are you fucking serious? im so over this.

i hate you

I havent felt this way with a guy in a while, and im scared.
he makes me smile, he hold my hand when were walking, he holds MINE. i dont gotta hodl his, he kisses my forehead when im sitting there, my kisses me randomly and when i didnt have makeup on he told me i was cute, he cuddles with me, we fight and argue and he makes me cry but then he kisses me and plays my song on his phone and smiles whenever he looks at me. I dont know why but im scared.. im scared hes talkin to his ex behind my back.. i have this gut feeling he is :( i guess ill see whats gonna happen?
i just hope my bestfriend likes him.

This is for you..

For the longest time I thought I'd lost the best of me
But I'll be damned if I quit now and that for sure
All I ever wanted was for you to look at me
And know I'm all yours

Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives
Like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course
When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours

I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along
I was so lost, but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs

I've been wondering if you could ever realize
That we're growing up so fast and it's insane
My dear our hearts have gotten good at pumping cheap new lust
Into our young veins
Suddenly I understand everything I couldn't comprehend

I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along
I was so lost, but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs

All this time I've spent without you by my side, I dreamt about you
Saw you through the windows in my mind
Carved a home for you deep down inside my chest
And I never want to lose such a big part of me again
...lose such a big part of me again

I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along
I was so lost, but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs

Im not comming back, hold your fucking breath.

Just another one to add to my fuckin list.
since 2010 started how many has that been? mmm.. 7 or 8. HAH. wow. this is fuckin' bulllllshit. :[
i dont know whyyyy. every fuckin time i think its gonna work out they fuckin do this bullshit to me, they LIE out of thier fuckin ass to make me smile.
sick.



imdoneforgoood.

my bestfriend is leaving me..
for good.
she fucking moving to tahoe..
i dont know what to do, i already cried.. now what?



i dont want her to leave me.
i feel so alone.
EVERYONE IS FUCKING LEAVING MEEE.

i think im getting back into really bad habits.
its only 1:39 and im already drunk.

yayyy.
im going to the river.
FINALLY, im getting away from everyone.
just me, no friends. nothing. and my phone is gonna be off the whole time.
:)


i need to get away.
ahhh. so i dont know what to do.
there's this guy that i like. alot. like hes perfect for me. not just looks, like personality. he gets my jokes, hes sarcastic and dosent give a fuck about how i act. he thinks its funny and cute. he brings out the REAL me when we kick it. he knows exactly what to say not just sweet talking, like we talk about life and whenever bad things happen hes always there. its werid. i cant explain it. the only thing stopping is that hes 22. and im 17.. almost 18 though. and we cant start anything until i turn 18 and i dont think hes gonna wait 3 months till im 18.
i dont know what to dooooo! =/ ajklsfhasfasklfa;

ha. i hate my freckles. why cant they fucking go away?
i read a tweet from some guy i met last night saying im a fat freckly bitch and he wants to connect the dots with my freckles...
i just want them to go away.
:/
i cant wait till im fucking 18 and get them all removed.

everytime i get fucked over by a boy you somehow sense it and you come in my life and try and win me back over..
why?! why are you doing this?
you fucking cheated on me! askflsahf; i dont even know what to do.
things were going so well, now look at them. there horrible.
there going to fucking shit right now.
nothing is going the way i want it to go.
got fucked over, ex is tryn to come back in, some tweeker bitch is tryn to fight me, i miss tori, i miss jamie, i miss brandi i miss my old friends, i havent seen my bestfriend in like a week or so. and so much more is going on i just cant explain it.
i just wanna be fucking happy again...

:[

Todays graduation day and guess who isnt graduating?
ME!
ha fuck you gilbert west. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. ha.




seriously, i dont get why everyone thinks i can please them?
i cant please everyone, and when i try and i cant i feel like a failure.
and it seems like most of my "friendships" are one sided. ME tryn to hangout with yuo guys but you guys cant or dont wanna or are too busy.. BUT when i have money or am gonna do something for you, you wanna hangout. forsure. NAH fuck that.
fuck you worthless friendships.
im seriously about to drop a whole shit load of people out of my life right about now.
fuck the bullshit.

somehow i always fuck up, i dont know how i do it. but i do.
i hate seeing my mom cry.
i didnt go home last night. i got shit faced drunk at some guys house with a homie and his friends and i just didnt go home.
i guess i didnt go home cause i thought i was a disapointment and a faliure?
i dont really remember cause i was super shitfaced.
but i had like 8 of my friends non stop calling me and hitting me up like where the fuck are you and freaking out on me.
i didnt know what i was doing.
but i finally went home at like 5 in the morning.
i cant belive i did that though. i had my mom up till then crying and worrying about me..
i feel so bad. but i have freedom now to stay wherever i want and do whatever i want?
werid how that works out.
i just kinda wish i had a time machine right about now to fix all the stupid shit ive done.
:/ i wish i wasnt sucha fuck up sometimes.

im still kinda upset that stupid school told me i was gonna gradaute, made me go to rehurrsal then the next day after my hopes were so high tell me oh yeah your not graduating. ive never been so disapointed in my self.. EVER. i feel like sucha failure. but i guess im gonna gradaute like right after my birthday. so i guess thats cool. and i have all summer to work and get my shit together. i just need to think postive about this. i guess im like the turtle in the story the turtle and the hare?
im gonna make it, just not right now.

ah, i take my permit test tommrow again, im so scared ima fail again :/ i really hope i pass it and this time im taking my time. ha

ONLY LIKE 3 MONTHA AND 5 DAYS AND I TURN 18! then im free!
how exciting but scary all at the same time :O


mmm, lets see.
boys? gah, i stopped hanging out with obombz for like.. 2 weeks, then i started hanging out with some other people then i really missed him so i hungout with him today and he was being kinda werid. at one point he wouldnt talk to me, ignored me till i said babe lets go have sex all loud and he stopped what he was doing and looked at me then i laughed and turned away and then he didnt talk to me, then talked to me and held me for about 4 minutes, then didnt kiss me and didnt say bye, he left to go get beer before i left and he knew i was leaving.. didnt say bye kiss me hug me nothing :( i think hes over me. ashkflasfha ahhhh why?! i always fuck up. ha.
oh well i dont need boys in my life.

Do the world a favor, stop cutting your arms and slit your throat.

I dont know but i have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.
i think its cause of what i did saturday night..
i think i like him, but then i dont.
i always push these thoughts out of my head, then they come back.
i feel so confused and alone.
:/

I know i shouldnt have done that last night.
i mean i wanted too, but i shouldnt have.
:O
gahhh, things are so fucking confusing.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?


i wish things were so simple, i wish boys were so eaily read and not confusing and simple.
i dont get why, but when i like a guy ill get so bored of them like after a week, or ill find something wrong with them and i wont like them anymore. EVERY FUCKING TIME, EVERY FUCKING TIME.
why do i do this? i dont even know.
blah, i want tacobell.

everytime i fucking hear beautiful by akon i wanna cry.
i wish i never woulda broken your heart.
i wish i never woulda fucked you over.
i wish i told you i loved you from the beggining.
maybe then i wouldnt be where i am now, maybe id be happy. id be in love, and happily in love.
but no. im not.
im stuck.
alone.
and drunk. ha.
fuck

everything is gonna be alright.

Everything is turning out fine i guess you could say.
i mean, i have a whole shit ton of drama. and i failed my permit test. im retaking it next week. but all the drama, is pointless. im not letting it get to me.
and im tryn to have fun with my life. im almost legal. i got 4 months to fuck around and have my fun till i need to get my shit together.
im pretty content.
and i dont need a boy to make me happy.
:)

I think

im addicted to getting hurt.
i always go for the guys who hurt me..

im so happy.
i got vee back, i got my BESTFRIEND BACK<3
im gradauting forsure over the summer time, through online classes
and im slowly ganing some self confidence.

im so pleased with my life right now.

I dont know how many times i have to fucking say it

I NEED MY FUCKING LIFE BACK!
i need my friends back, i need my life, i need the old bre back.
i dont know what happened.

i juss want everything to be back to how it was.
things are falling apart.
i thought this lifestyle would be fun and i thought id have friends to stick by myside
BUT NO. its not fun and they all left me..
:[
why does this shit always happen to me? like seriously.

Im so excited to start work!
and i hope i work with that cutie!
i think im losing weight, :D i havent been on a scale in so long but in certian shirts i dont look that chubby.
whatever, FAT PEOPLE NEED LOVIN'TOOO! hahahahahahahahahaahha.

mmm, im never rolling aagain.
NEVER.
i had the worst trip of my fucking life.
maybe it was cause i was on other things too. but whatever.
i think im gonna stay sober for a while.
at least i hope.
i need new friends. i needta sober group of people.
i needta hangout with straight edge kids. hahahahaha.

i think im in love with the boy who was my first kiss.
he was my bestfrined for like 12 years, then left.. then he popped up at my school and i was so happy to see him. he looks the same just older. and today i was standing with my finger on my lip. like in my mouth. idk how to explain it and he hugged me and he said look at you with biting your finger looking all cute. and it hit me.. hes perfect for me.
everything weve been through. i think i found the perfect one.
im scared things are gonna change.
he just got dumped, and hes not ready to rush into things. but he said if he wasnt in this situatio hed jump on that.
and like.. i dont know.
aklshfsfkafkaj what the fuck! im so confused.

fix you.

Things are horrible right now.
and i know theyll turn around eventually but till then i get so like distraught and upset and like emotional and i dont stop crying.
i seriously HATE crying.
i wish things were back to the way they were back then before everything changed. before i changed.
i wish i had my old life back :( but i cant take it back now.
the damage is done and i dont know what to do..

finally, im pretty content with life.
i got a job.
im not talking to anyone at this moment.
im tryn to graduate. even if i dont, i will over summer time.
i take my permit test on the 28th of may!
i got to drive my dad's truck for a few days ina row with him in it but stillll.
and im finally reliazing who are my friends and who arent.
and it feels nice, even if im losing friends.
:}

Im dancing with tears in my eyes, just fighting to get through the night.

So much has been going on.
=/
way too much for me to handle.

i found out were moving. i dont know where to yet. we have till june 2nd to get the fuck out of our house.
thats not enough time! thats LESS than a fucking month. i just got settled in finally. i love my house, i have SO many memories in this fucking house. wayy to many. good and bad. i cant just get up and leave! i dont want too. but we have too. ive moved once before and that was the HARDEST thing ive ever had to do in my fucking life. i cant do it again. we havent even found a house yet. and this is fucking with my head cause ill be having to move into the new house like the last like couple days of school so how am i gonna concentrate on fucking gradauting?! i cant be doing this right now. not now, not ever.. and on top of all that im NOT graduating this year.. ill have to go next year to gilbert south or try and get online classes so i can graduate over summer time. it just sucks cause the councler came in our classes like last weeek and was like oh im so proud of all you seniors who are graduating and was talking about the graduation ceremony and shit.. and im not apart of that talk they had so i kept my head down. i almost cried. i thought i was gonna graduate. i was gonna prove everyone wrong.. but im not. im gonna be a supersenior like EVERYONE in my past told me i was gonna be.. i dont know anymore. and i cant even go to prom :[ cause i go to a fucking STUPID ASS CONTUATION SCHOOL. fuck i was kinda excited to go when vee said that jared might ask me. i have a dress i coulda worn and everything... but im not going.. ugh. and i think im fucking gaining weight... what the fuck! i needta stop eating so much.. ))):
on the brightside i hungout with tori, brian, paul and justin on sunday for a little bit. it was really good seeing them all. things arent back to how they were completely but hopefully in the next couple weeks after comming around more often they might go back to how they were. if not, i understand. but if so ill be the happiest little kid ever. i miss them ):
i just wanna be happy, REALLY happy. like truley happy and not have to fake smile in front of my family and friends..

and for the first time

im not talking to ANYONE.
and i feel fine not talking to anyone.
:]
i hope i stay happy.

Hope

was all i had.
and you took it from me, and crushed it just like my dreams for me and you.
i knew i shouldnt have given you another chance, everyone said youd juss fuck me over and make me cry AGAIN.
and they were right.
i wish i wasnt so stupid to not see it commin..

I hope things work out with me and micheal..
i gave him another chance, let seee how things go..
:[

i dont know what the fuck is going on!
im SO confused.
this isnt good.
:/ FUCK!

PERECT BOY;

LOOKS;
Tall- at least 6'
Skinny- not skinner then me.
Wears hats, beannies, sknny jeans, vans, mockasions, hoodies, plain tee's, plugs, percings, longish hair, or short. dosent matter. not too long. colored eyes, tan, and muscluar.


i want someone who can;
pick me up and spin me around, give me piggy back rides, laugh at my jokes, take my sarcasim, make scarstic remarks back, bust missions with me, go to shows with, cuddle with, watch movies with, play video games with, sing too in my horrible voice, sing ADTR, and other bands with, laugh at me when i dance around in circles, dance with me, make me food, let me emberss them, wrestle with me, do the stupidest things with, hold my hand when i want it to be held, someone who wont care what i look like without make up. and someone who will keep me in check.


MY GOAL <3 ^^^

when will this pain ever stop?
im so hurt
im so broken.
im so upset.
im so weak.
i feel like dead..

i use to be love drunk, but now im hungover.
i said id love you forever, but forever is over.

plain and simple i really fucking hate not having a boyfriend or a boy to walk with and hold hands and kiss :/
all my friends have thier siginifact other.
and im ALWAYS the 5th wheeeel.
im so over it.

and the guy i like is being stupid.
WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
im always the one who's alone..
whats wrong with me?

the river was pretty fun, it was a get away.
i got away from everyone and the bullshit.
i did TOO much thinking though.



what have i become?
the lifestyle i have now is so diffrent then i ever thought it would be..
:/
but i like it. i like the thrill i have when i live my life.
i dont know.
maybe i should go back to being the old bre?


this text made me the saddest..
"i miss my bestfriend. i need the OLD bre back. i dont know what happened to you. your nothing like you use to be. you changed into the person you use to hate. its like i dont even know you anymore.."
i hate this.

If you wanna take a stroll with me, then lets stroll.

i have a new group of friends, most people wouldnt accecpt them but there lifestyle and they way they treat me i feel so safe.
yeah, there straight vato's as you would say. but there not.
i got a big homie, and im his little homie.
i got my bestfrineds misty and christina!
:D
they make me laugh and we have fun.
ahhh, im so excited to go to the river this weekend. i dont give a fuck if im by myself. at least ima get away from this shitty city / state.

i saw tori on her 18th birthday. we barely talked.. it was pretty bad. i feel like i dont even know her anymore..
:/ whatever. shit happens though i guess?
were both going two diffrent directions, and after 4 years of a amazing friendship were actually driffting apart..
oh well.. i guess..


i have a new boy.. i guess?
i think he juss wants to fuck me. cause he awlays asks when were gonna smash. but he always laughs after. so who knows.
and he dosent kiss me or hold my hand in front of any of his friends. unless its jacob and roberto.. is he like ashamed of me or what?
i dont even know
he called me everynight since he got sent to riverside with his grandma when he got caught up.
ahhhh, i dont know. my big homie dosent like him. so that might be a problem since im with him everydayy and the boy comes to smoke with us everyday after school..
aksfjasklfjafa;
real shit though im not tryn to be another fuck, if you know what i mean?
whatever i guess. im use to guys juss wanting to fuck. but thats why ima wait till were either dating for a while or going out. that way ill know if he juss wants to fuck and leave?
i saw chuck at the bpm, and the guy i like is one of his good friends little brother..
and i guess the guy i like's brother told him that were talking and chuck flipped out and told me i get around the block and its funny?
someone's obviously still in love with me? AHHAHA. fuck it. he's long gone out of my life..
i think... :/



well anyways.. life's a bitch. end of the fucking story.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

FUCK the bullshit, fuck the haters, fuck the drama.
i got what i need!
i dont need anyone else and ima live my life the way i want.
im getting into the party scene and maybe doing the "wrong" shit, but you only live once? and im still a kid, lemme live my life. i wanna have fun while im still young!


I JUSS GOT PAID, AND IM TRYN TO GET LAID?!

Alll i ever wanted to pick apart the day and put the pieces back together my way.

so its offical, after 4 years of us being bestfriends its all over with? no longer friends with tori.
:/
ive never actaully dropped her before. ive always got into arugments with her then like an hour later we made up, but this time its diffrent.. and honestly i feel so lost without her im like lowkey stuck.. who am i gonna sing on the top of my lungs to hawthrone heights with? smoke ciggerates, and drive arond, have sleepovers, get drunk in my backyard and like.. call my bestfriend? noone. im over having a bestfriend. i really am. they always fucking give up on me and im so over it. HA. like really, i really am. its so dumb.. oh well. fuck it. i can make it on my own. hopefully.


but me and misty are like super close and im super stoked, shes chill as fuck :D i love her!
and, i like a new boy but hes a player i guess.. and in front of all his friends, or if were in a group he lowkey will hold my hand under the table where were smokin' at, but when were alone he's super cute! like he'll hold me and like kiss my forhead and shit but like we get back wheere everyone else is, im like non exisitng. there's so many reasons for it, and im like thefuuuuuck! its dumb. i juss dont know. i hope i actually get something good out of this, and not get hurt. like lowkey i really wanna boyfriend.. :/
ugh, whatever.

i really need to stay sober, from drugs, from alcohol.
i cant lose my friends.
i cant lose my family.
i cant lose my life.
i need to get my shit together..

MOMO PARTY TONIGHT.

i hope it alll works out as planned.
<3

your love, your love, your love is my drug.

fuck this shit.
got suspened, grounded, no boy, and toris dropping me cause i guess ive changed and she has brian and thats all she needs.
HAHAHA.
what the fuck ever.

i fell alseep with the lights on.

why are you on and off talking to me?!
why cant you either end things, or consintally talk to me. like im not gonnna be your little bitch whos gonna be around whenever you wanna fuck.
no, im not like that.
i like you, alot and you know that.
and your sitting here like being alll cute one day, then the next 3 days you dont talk to me, then talk to me, then dont.
youll be cute one day, then stupid the next.
fuck. but im stuck on you):
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does this happen to me?! like really? ha fuckmylife.

i cant help it.

IM FUCKING HAPPY!
happyhappyhappy!
really happy.<3

life is gooood!

I knew you wouldnt leave me.

Me and brandi are finally okay again. i missed her. i still havent seen her though :/ but i finally saw brian and paul yesturday! ahh i missed them. so now in fullerton i got, brandi, jamie, cj, tori, brian and paul and i guess justin :D fasho. i guess i could go down there if i dont see anyone else but them. but i dont wanna risk getting into drama.. not down dude. not down at all. but things are comming along perfectly :)
besdies the fact that im not like talking to the boy i like anymore. hes a douchebag. they all are. and im kinda skectchy about my "friend" talkin shit. but oh well, i guess everyone talks shit. hahaha.
i wanna party this weekend, but not drink. only smoke mary janee :} hahaha
i actually wanna pull a crazy ass adventure this weekend. i juss dont know what i should do.
i juss kinda want happiness again. like full happiness. back like 6 months ago. but i dont know. i guess im content with where i am..

i wanna run, ill keep you safe here with me.

things are looking up and im quite happy.
all this bullshit made me fall behind in school, made me think too much and focus on the crap and not school.
but im comming back and gonna graduate!
so stoked.
i got my bestfriend back, were hanging out tonight.
and i made a new friend; misty.
shes probally the chillest girl ive ever met.
shes down to earth and funny as fuck.
we get along so well.
im glad things are finally going back to how there suppsoto.

:)

im not sure anymoreeee

Im finally starting to not to be so insecure about myself.
i mean im still not comfortable with my weight but im sure every girl is.
im gonna start to work out soon and hopefully lose some of my chub. im juss glad im not like super fat, or super skinny like gross skinny.
i guess ima little overweight. but oh well. fuck itt.
and im starting to like my freckles.
i balrey wear any face make up anymore. i put some on but i dont reapply it all the time anymore. well i take that back, i do but not as much as i use too.
im over getting called a freckle face. yeah i have freckles and there MY own uniqunesss. and i like them. fuck what everyone else thinks.
i got called pretty alot this past week and a half, and im like really happy:) im not getting called ugly and thats all i want.
this is my confidence booost i need.
& not having my phone to argue with poeple is actually cool too. im not trippin on not havin it.
i know ill get it this weekend, and get off grounding finally! and then hangout with brian, & mistyyy :} my faviorate peoplee!
im glad me and misty are close now. shes the chillest girl ever. shes like one of my bestfriendss.
since mine dosent seem to care about me anymore.. :/ hahaha. fuck it.



the only bad thing is i miss my friends.. i lost a couple of the most amazing people ive ever met.
and it fuckin sucks. but ill live.. hopefully.

Im like happy and content again.
Things worked out for the best.
FUCK THE HATERS, fuck all fake friends, and the BULLSHIT.
This whole weekend made me reliaze who's there for me, and whos not.
I got who I need and I dont need anyone else.
:}


Dont belive in me?
FUCKKKK YOUUUU.

hey..

i need a new life..

i know a whole bunch of bad shit happened, i know things happened that shouldnt have.
and i blame myself for all them.
IM FUCKING SORRRY.
i lost all my friends in fullerton, besides tori, paul and brian.
im sure there gonna hate me soon tooo.
but oh well, if there my REAL friends theyll understand what happened, and belive me.
and not what everyone else has to say.
yeah, ive lied in the past but im not lying about this.
FUCK WHO EVER DOSENT BELIVE ME.
you obviously werent my friend in the first place.
even one of my "bestfriends" is mad at me for all this.
and its stupid, but alright go ahead hate me.
i juss want this to all blow over, and i want to be happy again.
i need new friends, i need a new groupp, i need a new life.

NO MORE DRINKING FOR ME, NO MORE BEING STUPID AND IMMATURE.
im growing up, slowly but surley.
fuck you haters.
i delted everyone out of my life i no longer want to talk to..


hopefully this is for the best.. :/

I FUCKING HATE YOU, I FUCKING HOPE YOU DIE. FUCK YOU!
GO FUCK YOURSELF, AND DONT EVER FUCKING SHOW YOUR FACE TO ME AGAIN.

i fucking hate you.
i fucking hate myself

Stay here with me.

I CANT GET ANY FUCKING HAPPIER.
im like so content right now, its ridicilious.
im happy though, and i like it.
everything's starting to fall right in place<3

Haters kiss my anus.

This whole staying postive and not letting anyone bring me down is actually working :)
Im really happy, FINALLY.
I havent cried in since I came to this relaztion like a couple days ago, ive beeen happy ever since and thats AMAZING for me. Casue one day ill be upset, the next ill be happy, then upset again and its like im biplor BUT im consistnally happy :)


TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW, I MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD<3

Take a look at me now, Im on top of the world. I made it

I finally reliazed that I dont need boys to make me happy, I dont need drugs and alcohol to make me happy. I have my friends and family and thats all I really need.
I mean yeah, I smoke ciggerates to relive stress. and I drink cause I wanna have fun, and I talk to boys because I want the atention, I wanna feel loved. BUT I reliazed I dont NEED THEM.
Im not saying im gonna like stop talking to boys for good, like im not gonna go out of my way to talk to a boy, im not gonna go loking for a boy to make me happy, cause i got the friends to do that.
I think im not gonna drink for a while, Im gonna try to quit smoking. IM GONNA TRY. im not saying its gonna happen, im gonna try my hardest. Its really hard though.
I just reliazed I cant let the whole party scene take over my life. Yeah, parties are fun and drinking with the homies is cool, but I have other priorties to worry about it. Not stupid bullshit. I need to worry bout my family, our money problems, getting a job, getting my license and graduating on time. Im just gonna live my life the way I want too, and get my shit together in the process.
I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. They have my back when I need it. They love me for me, and the haters, FUCK THEM.
I reliazed the little things make me happy, like having a conversation bout life with a good friend, having a massive singalog with my bestfriend, driving to nowhere, going to the beach and sitting while watching the sunset, watching cartoons in my pajama's all day. movie night with the family. and smiling.
I dont need to worry about the little things. NO more crying over the stupid shit. FROM NOW ON THERE GONNA BE A SMILE ON MY FACE AT ALL TIMES. Im not letting noone bring me down.
Im finally happy :)

i never said id take this lying down.

WOW.
i fucking hate boys.
this is why i have trust issues.
this is why im fucking single.
this is why i cry.
this is why i dont talking to boys.
this is why im so werid with boys.
FUCK THISSSS!


i feeel like sucha fucking dumb ass..
i cant belive i belived YOU.
i cant belive i fell for it.
please, jump off a fucking bridge.

Im holding on to a fairytale, were moving foward but were not there yet.

slowly but surley everything is finally falling into place.
im not over dilllon yet. i still have those feelings for him, and i didnt expect me to get over him in like a minute looking at the way i am with boys. but day by day im slowly letting go. i actally talked to one of his good friends and i looked at the picture of him sitting on my lap, and i didnt phase me. i juss kinda laughed. i think me and him are alot better off as friends. NOT HOOKUP BUDDDY'S, juss friends. maybe in the future things will work out. but now, nah. and im totally fine with that :) im done talking to him too. i need time to get over him fully, and he needs time to reliaze how much of a douchebag he is. HAHAHA :)
im not really ready for a boyfriend. im still imature and i dont need the drama a boyfriend brings right now. its my senior year, i juss wanna have fun, party it up with my girls, and graduate in june. until then im not gonna stress over boys. i mean im kinda intrested in one boy, and were going to disneyland but things arent gonna go anywhere with me and him. its kinda more of a hookup. but who knows. whatever happens happens, im juss gonna kick back and let the wind take me where it wants too.
i just want things to be good with me and tori again, i want things to go back to how they were over summer time. and they slowly are. she spent the night last night, i really didnt hangout with her though cause she was with brian last night at my house and everyone else was there too, and i was trying to be a good hostest. but we talked before we went to sleep. haha. she has her licnese now so shell be comming to pick me up now, and well have more days to hangout. i kinda want a day where its just me and her hanging out but that never happens. shes always busy :/ oh well. shell hopefully find time for me.
im like really happy at this moment in time, i hope it lasts<3

..........

I FUCKING HATE YOU.
i try to talk to you about us being done and you fucking laugh at me. you think im a fucking joke or something?! then your a total dick to me which isnt like you. your usually really nice to me and i bet it was cause everyone was around. they were like 40 feet away from us. if we were at the libary how it usually is juss me and you, you'd let me sit on your lap and youd be all cute but NO cause your bestfriend was there you had to be a dick..like what the fuck? i just need to get over you and you say stupid shit like oh "you act like were going out" UH NAH FOOOL i juss wanna know if were done hooking up so i know if i can get over you or not. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. go fuck another girl in the butt and cry over how much girls hurt you. blahblahfuckingblah. ughhh =/
whatever, im over it. i better not see you anytime soon or i swear ima kick you in the balls.


okay so now that i got that off my chest..
things are really going good for me besides this stupid dillon shit.
-me and tori are gonna hangout all weekend this weekend, i hope and were actually texting and hanging out which is good cause i need her.
-me and an emeny are now actually pretty good friends. weve hungout like for the past 4 days straight. it was coool. shes a really coool girl.
-i talked to my counsler today and were getting my new schecudle done for school and were gonna work on me graduatingg :)
and then monday im going to dland! i hope it works out as i want it to.
things are finally working out and im kinda happpyyy :D so hopefully it stays this wayy for a while.

god knows even angel falls sometimes..

maybe deleteing his number, him off of myspace, him out of my life before i knew where we stand was a bad idea..
lauren was right i should just talk to him before i start to hate him and never talk to him again. i guess hes gonna be with cgay today so me and lauren are gonna probally head over to where they are, and talk to them. i still dont know if i wanna talk to him. i kinda juss wanna ignore him and maybe hell come talk to me, i dont wanna juss go up and be like HEY LETS TALK! nah, i cant do that. and my make up looks good tody and so does my outift im not down to cry and ruin my good day! fuck who knows. i wish they were busy so me and lauren could juss go to stupid dland. fucking bitchniggers.
i juss hope this is all goes welll.. if not im probally gonna break the fuck down and i cant see cj lauren dillon and everyone see me cry.. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
i needta time machine..

dear, bestfriend..

its been 3 and a half years you've been in my life and damn, they've been a incridible 3 years. we've had our ups and downs in the past but we somehow always stick through it. recently things have been changing. we went from being incerapable every day over summer time to TRYING every day to hangout once school started to once or twice a week seeing each other.. for a while we tried but once i started night school 2 nights a week, and you started cosmotelogy 3 nights a week it killed everything then things changed with us. i started hanging out with other people and so did you. then we hungout again, and NOW ill text you asking if you wanna hangout, you'll make some exuse of why you cant and then go hangout with someone else. and now i balrey fucking see you and it kinda sucks when i go hangout with everyone and your not there. im trying to become as close again as how we were over summer time but my hopes are so high. i thought bestfriends at least tried to hungout all the time, AND TOLD EACH OTHER THINGS? there's so many things you havent told me. i tell you e v e r y t h i n g and you dont tell me shit. i have to find out from other people. i mean you dont have to tell me everything but i would like to know what the fuck is going on in my bestfriends life?! it just seems like your getting sick of me and your done with me, but you cant tell me. it feels like your pushing me away on purposeee? it just sucks. you know your my everything. your my main proierty. i put you before ANYONE ELSE. even boys. ive never once chose a boy over you. and i wont. e v e r . you ARE my BESTfriend, your like my other half. your my stablity, your my crutch. your what keeps me alive and going. you have my back when i need it, and you love me for me. you've seen the real me, who know who I am. you've stuck it out with me through all the shitty times. you havent left me for my dumb mistakes and even when you get sick of me and annoyed you still somehow love me. ive never had a bestfriend as long as you and i plan to keep you in my life forever. without you i feel like im not myself. i dont feel right. you even me out. you've taughten me so many things and i appericate it more then you'll ever know. i just cant lose you, i cant. not now, not ever. i hate the feeling like me and you arent even close anymore. it makes me cry everytime i think of it. im not giving up yet. i love you bestfriend. forever and ever. <3 ):

i think im breaking down.

i dont know how to handle this!
i think im so attached to him cause hes seen the real me..
hes seen me out of the shower, no make up, hair all messy, no clothes, nothing. he saw ME. not the me thats covered in clothes, and makeup.
i dont get it..
i really dont. i wish this was easy.
each day it gets harder to get over him.
i wish things were easy. i really do.
i need to comeplety stop talking to him but i cant. ughhh ):

i lied..
im not over him.
last night he was texting me cute ass shit. cause i was sick and throwing up and he was like saying how he would come over and take care of me, and he was being all cute.
maybe it was cause he was drunk..
i dont know.

he pulls me back in every time i walk away..
why cant i just get over him!?

Run to you, I will run I will run.

everything is finally going the way i want.
im finally getting my shit done in school. i passed every class last semester and this semester im getting my shit done and im gonna pass every class this sememster too hopefully and then ill graduate!
im studying to get my permit so ill have my license by the time i turn 18!
im looking for a job, im thinking of working at knotts berry farm again but this time somewhere where ill actually like. or at like a restruant like a waitress or something. a nice restruant or somewhere fun! like hopefully fudruckers, red robin or something. im still looking. or im gonna try to work at like a clothing storee, or vans! i wanna work at vans! they have such cute boys in that store and id get cheap ass shoes and cute ass clothes :) damn, my new goal is to work at vans or like zummies or somethingg. haha. i needta set up a day to go job hunting. hopeufully monday will be a good day to go. ill make tori go with me! haha. i wish me and her would work together, but thatd be horrible. wed fuck with every person who walked in the store, and wed fuck around and probally get fired. hahahaha. thank god me and her dont go to the same school and arent in the same classes wed be in so much trouble by now. hahahahahaha.
i dont really hang out with her anymore :/ and it upsets me. but i think its just because she has that stupid comsotelogy and i have stupid night school and last weekend her back was hurting so i didnt get to see her, but this weekend and the next couple weeks shell be mine! muahahaha.
speaking of the next couple weeks, there gonna be A M A Z I N G if they go how i want them to go.
today: i have no ieda what im doing, besides going shopping. im probally gonna end up going to a party with the group. or drinking or somethin. unless me and tori find something fun to do.
tommrow: i dont know yet either. probally partying with brandi and having a sleepover if shes down.
sunday: super bowl sunday! fmaily party @ the smiths. still dont know if im going. and its dillons birthday so i need to see him that day, its his big 18th! i hope nothing happens that day thats not suppsoto happpen. akhfalhfa and its the EMMURE show!!!! ahh im so exicted. i hopet they dont sale out so me and tori can get our tickets :/ that will be a fun show! cute boys will be there! ohayyy. haha.
and then valentines day: i think i might have a valentine! well, im going to hangout with a cute boy but he didnt ask me to be his valetnine but all i know is that hes gonna buy me foood :D hes so cute!
and then the 15th: DISNEYLANDD! with tori, and two of our friends. wooooo! thats gonna be a good day if it goes as planned.
and i dont have school the next two mondays, and next friday i have half day.
febuary is a good ass month!
everythings going really good.
besides two thingss..
im SICK of everyone calling me fat. like i really fucking am. im NOT fat, im chubby. i have extrra chub on my tummy and face. but im NOT fat. i know girls who are FAT. im not one of them. so stop fucking calling me that. im trying not to eat alot, and i already went running. im getting a gym pass and im gonna work out and get into shape. im sick of looking in the mirrior and looking at something that im not happy with :/ i need to lose all this weight somehow, FAST.
desprate times call for despreate mesaures?! im not gonna eat junk food anymore.. hopefully.
AND boys always bring me down.
thinking of a certian boy upsets me and its so hard getting over him, im trying though. i think i found someone new but then again i dont know if he just wants sex cause hes a thirsty piece of shit =/ 2 of his friends whos IM very good friends with said that hes so sweeet to his girlfriends and he spoils them and does everything for them and like.. looking at him i can see it but we already talked about dating and he said he dosent date girls cause they always fuck him over and he wont like or date a girl unless they really catch his eye and i dont know if i caught his eye or not. in the beggining he wanted me but i didnt want him and now i want him! fuckfuckfuckfuck. this always happens. i guess well just have to see when i see him next weeekend. hopefully things go good :)

"in my head

it was just you and me<3"
^^^ AHHH! i cant stop smilingg. he makes me feeel all happy inside.
i think im finally finding happiness.
im reliazing alot.
ive reliazed who cares for me, who dosent, whos real, whos not, who i need, who i dont, what i need, what i want, and where im going.
i dont need fake assholes in my life.
i need the people who care about me and love me for ME.
i have a few people in my life.
such as tori kyle brian, and brandi.
i dont know where id be with out them.
those four are the only people i truley care about enough to take a bullet for.
ive lost a good friend in the past couple of days, i lost the boy i had my eye on, but then again. you live and you learn right?
im finally content, AGAIN. and im staying this way.

She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets, get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces

so, im done with dillon. im sick of sitting there while he fucks with me. like if you like me, you like me, if your dont and you "dont wanna hurt me" then dont fucking sit there and hookup with me, or try too. you told me you didnt wanna hookup with anyone right now then we hangout and you like hint you wanna hookup. thats kinda leading me on. NOW that your stupid list is over, i thought you were gonna look for a girlfriend not fuck with my head anymore? huh? psh, i knew you wouldnt. you say your biggest fear is huting others, and you swear like you everyone elses feelings in front of yours. WRONG. if you did that you wouldnt have lead me on and fucked with my head. and after all this your still acting like the good guy, YOUR NOT. you act like you didnt hurt me, or made me cry which you did both. im sick of your stupid games dillon. seriously i am. and i hate the fact that i tell you im done and i wanna stop talking to you for good, even as friends cause i need to get over you and you say no you want me to vent and you think it would be good for me to talk this out with you? and then i flipped out and told you EXACTLY how i feel and this morning was the first day youve ever texted me first. and you asked if i was feeling better? OH so now you wana act like you care? this is the shit im talking about! i TRY to get over you but somehow you decide to fucking come back in and fuck with my head even more, acting like you care!? i dont get it. YOU NEED TO FUCKING TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, AND NOTHING MORE. EITHER WE HOOKUP AND START TALKING, OR NOT HOOKUP AND JUST BE FRIENDS. nothing more. im not gonna be just another hookup again. if you really did care about me, you wouldnt fucking do this shit to me. and im not gonna sit around and wait for you to come around and actually like ME not my vagina. you said maybe in the future it might work? yeah, well who knows when thats gonna be. so im done for now. actually forever. i cant keep crying over you, i NEED to get over you! i do i do i do i do :/ BUT for some fucking reason im stuck on you.. so im pretty much fucked on this whole sitaution. i need to delete you from my life but apart of me is telling me no bre dont do it. cause you make my hopes SO FUCKING high and then eventually the truth is gonna come out and your gonna crush me again. i need to hear out of your mouth, not a text, not on the phone, not a message, OUT OF YOUR MOUTH what you want with me. i just hate knowing that youll never like a girl like me. and that sounded so patheic but its truee =/ whatever. im so over it. im just gonna send you the longest text tommrow and explain how i feel and hopefully i get this straightened out..

nothings making sense anymore :/
and i dont fucking like it.

you know your the only one for me.

im still hooked on a certian boy, and its getting in the way of me and this other boy who i thought i liked. but as i was hanging out with him and texting the other certain boy i was like ah fuck whyy! i cant get him offf my mind :/ hes always in my fucking head. certian things remind me of him, my faviorate song, showers, mickeymouse, flannels, laying in the bed, saying "if your lucky" going downtown, passing by his house, people mimicking my laughs. all reminds me of him and i see all those things like everyday. and its hard. i dont get why i cant just get over him. its been like almost a month and im still all hungup on him! this always happens but like i usually get over the boy after i find a new one, and ive found like 2 new boys but they arent the same as him): i actually got over the guy i thought i was in love with because of this fucker. im so upset cause i know nothing ever gonna happen but my hopes are so high.
:[ fuck

on the way down.

im not sure what i should do.
after me and dillon got in that huge fight he started being really nice to me and started being all cute with me and told me that maybe in the future me and him will work out. and today he started being cute again and acting like how he did before we started hooking up. and i dont know if i should keep talking to him, like texting him and hangout and see if he likes me. or just let it go and dont talk to him anymore? he hurt me before, he used me and broke me down. hell probally do it again right? unless id ont give it up to him and i dont hookup with him i just hangout with him as friends and then see where it takes us, cause maybe this time hell actually like ME and not "like" me to hookup with me. i dont want to sit there and get my hopes up again and then get hurt again, hes made my cry about 6 times in the amount of 2 weeks hooking up. i cant cry over him again. i just dont know what i should do. maybe i should kick it and be myself and see how things go. hes the only boy i have my eye on right now ): and it sucks cause i know what im getting myself into but i dont wanna admit it for some odd reason.
why cant i just find someone who wants to be with me? and why cant i just be happy? ALL my girlfriends have there boys and there all happy with them. im sick of this shit.
i dont even know anymoreeee. im so over it. i just want happinesss.

FUCK YOU

YOUR A PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA BLAME ME ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT ON ME?
YOUR THE ONE THAT SAID NO, AND NOW YOUR SAYING ITS ALL MY FAULT THAT IT DIDNT HAPPEN?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
how fucking immature can you really be? everyone was fucking right about you.
i wish i never saw you last night, i wish you didnt imply that i was cute, i wish i didnt text you today and i wish you didnt ask me if i got any last night.
AND IF I DID IS IT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUINUESS?! either your asking me cause you wanna be a dick, or your trying to say you just want to be friends which i know you fucking do, do you not remember you telling me it was just a hoookup when we were on your bed i cried for like 15 minutes while you TRIED to make me feel better? or maybe you asking me this is because your jealous?! well i doubt that. your just a fucking piece of shit. GO FUCK YOURSELF. i cant belive i ever fell for your stupid fucking traps. i cant belive i actually liked you. you have looks, but your just another player. i hope you fucking get your heart broken again and cry yourself to sleep at night and think to yourself damn i wish i woulda gotten with bre, she wouldnt have done this to me. BUT noooo, your a fucking idiot. you lost something that coulda been great. i fucking hope your happy with yourself. next time i see you, my shoe is going to your small ass balls you have. hope your ready.
ailkfhlakhfalhasklhasklfasklhfakl!$@#^$#@#$%^(*&^#@$^#$73462346 #@$&*@#



now that i got that off my chest..
things are slowly working out for me i guess.
im trying to stay postive but its hard when it feels like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
but i know im strong enough to get through this.
i just need someone to have faith in me.
or maybe i should have faith in myself.

as loser can win whenever he wants too, all he has to do is bring you down.

i was thinking a little too much today.
i really want to just get up, pack all my shit and leave. somewhere far. but then again i cant leave everyone i love behind.
i cant stay away from my parents, and my bestfriends. but i really cant stand another second in this god damn town. i hate it here. i hate everyone down here. i seriously dont hate like 20 people out of everyone i know. everyone else can honestly fuck off. i wanna go up to the IE. just a little house around fields and fields of nothing. just me, myself and i. i need to get away. i wanna go back up to hemet and with all those people. i feel so happy when im up there. i feel like im free. i feel like nothing else matters. and thats what makes me happy. knowing im away from all the bullshit and the people down here makes me happy. and thats fucking sad that i cant be happy unless im away from all my "friends" and the city i live in. i think its time for a vacation, i think its time to go to the river. i think i need some ME time. or at least me and tori go back up to hemet and stay the weekend up there, hangout with the boys, drink, laugh and spend the night with the boys we like and juss be happy. i hope we can this weekend.
speaking of boys, those nasty pigs. i hate them, ALL OF THEM! besides kyle. i like this boy who lives kinda far and i kinda fuckedup by telling someone i THOUGHT i could trust that me and him kissed and she told other people and he got all weird about it. we didnt kiss last time i was up there and he was kinda weird at first but i fell asleep on him in the car and we flirted and it was all cute and shit. ksfhalkfa. im actually starting to like him. last time i saw him it was just like eh whatever i didnt think he was that cute and shit and we talked about my friend he hookedup with a while ago. after the first time i met him and he was telling me he dosent date girls unless they really catch his attention cause hes been heartbroken before and stuff. and like after last time hanging out with him im just kinda like.. oh fuck i actually do like him. i get all happy when he texts me, i wait for him to reply and when its anyone else im like go away ! when i was up there with him and i fell asleep on him in the car i got mad butterflies like just him having his arm around me and stuff and like we were walking out of this pool hall and he grabbed my shoulders and got all close and ahhh i was like why is my stomach feeling this way? its a good feeling though. i just dont know whats going on. yesturday we flirted and it was cute but i dont know. im scared of getting hurt ): and its weird cause hes the only boy im really focused on right now.. why does this ALWAYS happen to me? like why? can someone please tell me? this is a sign from god that im gonna be sngle for the rest of my fucking life. no joke. i swear to jesus fucking christ im gonna be single foeverrr and ever. ha, FML :l

if i could tell the world just one thing, it would be were all okay<3

and finalllyyy im happpy :}
i havent been this happyy in a while.
like a new boy. dont know where thats going.
getting my shit together in school.
got my bestfriend back, were back to how we were.
im slowlyyy quitting smoking.
going on a diet soon, gonna lose weightt.
& gonna get a job soon!


hope i dont jinxx it but im happy and i can tell everythings finally working out in my favor<3

I cannot live I cant breathe unless you do this with me.

i hungout with vee last night. it felt like we still hangout everyday which was cool. nothings really changed. expect she looks diffrent, drives and we've both matured alot. but it was still like bree&vee. we still sang really loud to all our songs, and laughed at all the stupid things. i missed her. i hope we start to hangout more. im not saying were gonna be bestfriends again but she needs a friend and its gonna be. i have a bestfriend. and she has one, we just need each others support. im always gonna love her, shes always gonna be my moonunit. <3
Ah! so, well me and vee hungout with alyssa, some girl kate, kyle and vince yesturday aslo and that boy that goes to my school that im kinda into hangs out with them and kyle mentioned something to vince about how i thought he was cute and what not so vince decideds to text the boyyy and puts ina good word for me and tells him that me and him should get together and he said yeah, maybe but hes not lookin lookin for a relationship right now. and vince said hookup buddies then? and he saidddd yeah thats what i was thinking. and then my friend alyssa tells me that she talked to him and she said so i heard you talk to bre? and he said yeah in school but not outside of school and she was like oh well she thinks your cute and he said i think shes cute too :)WOOOO! ha. but the only bad thing is, is that i dont wanna be just a hookup. i just got out of something like that and it was horrible :/ i dont wanna be another fuck then him leave me then me get all attached and be all heartbroken. im over being heartbroken! but kylee and vince and them were saying how hes not like that. hes the sweeetest boy ever. which he is. hes like really nice. which is a plus. FINALLY a nice boy ! but i guess im just gonna kick back look cute and let him come to me.
well since im already speaking of boys. i dont know if i want too go up to moval to see jacob. like i want too to kick it with him, and edward and jimmy and them but i know shits gonna happen with jacob and like i said i dont wanna get attached then get heartbroken! but i wanna see him again ): da fuck! i dont even know.
and brad.. i dont think i can like him or go out with him again cause what he did to me and hes a big ass stoner now. like.. uhmm.. no. i dont like that. hes so diffrent now. hes how i wanted him to be when i broke upw it him. now hes that boy and i dont like it. AKLSFHALFHA! im so complicated. hahahaha. oh well.
fuck all this boy drama. my main goal is to graduate<3 WHICH, i will!

i finally discovered what makes you tick.

i miss the back in the day, back in kindergarden when the only thing you had to worry about was if you got nap time, and if all your crayons were in your box and you didnt give a fuck about anything or anyone. you didnt have to dress to impress, you could wear whatever you wanted, didnt even have to match and noone would say shit. when you got nap time, and cookies in milk in class. when you would go out and play with all your friends in the neighborhood. collect ants and rollie pollies and put them in a show box. when everything was easy. before all the curse words, drugs, alcohol, ciggerates, sex, drama and bullshit came into the picture. before high school happened. i wish it was same like back then when all i cared about was coloring, and playing in the mud. now, i have to worry about a job, my license, boys, drama, graduating, not getting into the whole drug scene, who not to talk to, and who i should talk too. what "scenes" are cool, which arent. what im gonna wear to school and with my friends. what boys think of me, my weight, packing on pounds of makeup so i look "pretty".
its all bullshit. its all dumb. i wish it wasnt like this.
i think im gonna quit smoking, or at least try.
not drink anymore, not do drugs. quit doing E, dont try anything else and get my shit together and get a job, my license and graduate this year. no more screwing around.
i want things to change.
and im gonna make them.
new year, new me. from this day on, i am going to change. for the better. i hope..
fuck, i just want everything to be simple.

i knew you were something special, when you spoke my name.

im not going to the riverr this weekend! thank god. i didnt wanna go, and besides i woulda been alone :/ i just relized i havent been to the river in forever. holy fuck. i wanna go. but not with my family. i wanna go with friends. and like get away from everyone. i just dont know when thats gonna be. oh well, this weekend should be fun. staying with tori, going to see suscide silencee @ the slide bar saturday with brandi, and jamie and whoever else goes, then sundayy maybe going to see jacob<3 hopefully that one works out cause i miss that little shit, and hes been super cute latleyy. but he probally just wants to fuck, HAHA! i dont know. im holding back my feelings for him, cause im sick of getting with the asshole man whores. i wish he lived closer thoughh ): maybe we can work out when he gets his car back! who knows. this weekend should be a good one. im gonna make it a good one! im not gonna let stupid people bring me down like always. i need to be happy from now on, and i think i will. or ill tryy.

so, im kinda into this new boy. well im not so much into him i just think hes super cute and hes really nice. hes been in one of my classes since the beggning of the year and we never talked cause he sits on the other side of the classroom and yesturday i had to go to a diffrent math teacher to get help and he was in that class and he started talking to me and we know the same poeple, like the same music, and we like kept talking on and on till the end of the class period. hes like super cute. plugs, and he has the cutest smile too! but i told two of my friends that know him and they said hes waaaaay too nice for me to go for him cause ill break his heart. what the fuck!? im not a heartbreaker. i just get sick of boys easily. but like, hes quiet and too himself kinda. hes more mysterious and we like the same music and stuff. hes like my type. i dont think ill get bored of him. i guess i might not cause hes too nice. but i wanna just start talking to him and get to know him cause hes a sweeetheart! but im scared that were gonna start dating and ill break his heart and ill get all his friends who are MY friends too will get mad at me and then ill be really awakrd at school. i dont even know. likeee, its werid. im just gonna start talking to him. who knows maybe hes not into me and it wont ever be anything and then i wont "break his heart" ha. i dont know. im not really a heartbreaker i just get bored of guys easily and i dont like really nice guys. i like the assholes. i still havent figured out why. oh well. day by day, step by step ill see what happens. im guess i just gotta work my magic. haha

why do i cry?

i need to get away. like im not even kidding. i hate everyone, and everything down here, and everywhere. im serioulsy starting to hate everyone. i dont even know why.
i wanna go to the river this weekend, but then i dont cause i want someone to go with, but then i kinda wanna be alone. i dont even know. ive got likee, 4 days to figure this shit out.
hmmm
stay in fulllerton with tori and everyone and probally be bored at the structure all the time, BUT go to suscide silenceeee with jamie and brandi at the slidebar saturday with hopefully more people, and be around my friends?
OR, do i go to the river with either myself, or a friend and ride the rihno and get away from all the bullshit in orange county, well califorina all together?
ill figure it out.

i cant belive brad's trying to come back in my life.. after all the shit he fucking put me through he has the nerve to come back in my life, or try too? but whats weird is after all that shit thats happend i still got the same butterflies i had a year ago when i met him, when i liked him. i dont know why i have those feelings again. i tried to push them out of my mind but they wouldnt go away. i should hate him for everything he did to me, but i cant :/ he said "i still have feelings for you:) and you know everything happens for a reason." so does this mean were kinda ment to be together? cause like, what the fuck i broke up with them a year ago, then tried getting back with him and it just didnt work out, then a year later he comes back and i still have the feelings ive had before, like does this mean were supposto be together or something? isnt there a saying like let them go if they come back its ment to be, or something like that? i guess this fits right where im at.. fuck. i dont know. and i guess there's another girl whos trying to get at him and im so pissed about it for some reason. like, i dont know why im jealous. i dont get jealous that easy anymore. well i kinda do, but not as much as i was when he told me some sophmore in college is trying to get at him. why the fuck wont these feelings go away?! WHY?!
and to top this all off i think im getting addicted to something i shouldnt be again ): i need help. i reallyyy do.
i just wish everything made sense for once.

your love drunk, your blinded.

im finally over it, i think :) i just hope i dont run into him any time soon.
i found out the boy im in love with is intrested in my bestfriend and suprisingly im totally fine with it. i just want her and him happy. there the two most amazing people i know. i guess this means im growing up since im throwing a bitch fit about it? or does this mean im not in love with him anymore? maybe i just love him maybe its not IN love anymore? who knows. i just hope there happy. i just hope ill be happy too.

Ah! i get to party with brandi tonight! and im super excited. i just need to find a cute outfit, and i need to make my hair all cute. i hate how short i cut it :/ i regret it. but itll grow back eventually.


honestly.. i think im finally growing up. and i cant be any more happy at the moment. <3

and its too late too apoligize.

The thing that upsets me the most is that we barley talk anymore, and that i was just points to him. it kills me. thats not what i wanted to be. he promised me i wouldnt be, and what ended up happening? he didnt catch feelings for me, and i was just a hookup to him. but whatever, i deserve better. it gets easier each day to get over it, and him. thank god for my friends :)
i cant wait for this weeekend! i get to party with brandi! yay! hopefully we both feel better before tommrow and saturday :/ im just gonna take a whole bottle of like day quill. hahahaha.

i dont like how my friends are turning out to be.
they're just.. i cant even explain it.
i feel like im drifitng apart from tori and it kills me inside.
:[ but i guess thats life. if were ment to be bestfriends itll workout right?
i hope so..
i need a new group of friends. i need to get away. i need to start over fresh. i need a new life. but im stuck with the one i have, so i guess i should just make the best out it?

players cant be played.

lets start off with the bad shit first.
alright, i texted dillon today, we texted for like about 5 minutes than he stopped texting me. and i suprisingly wasnt trippin'. im not gonna text him first. if he wants to text me first he can. im getting over it. he lost me. so fuck him :] i can find so much better. someone whos not gonna use me to get points. someone whos not gonna hurt me. hopefullyy.
ah, so my mom isnt gonna give me any more money and not take me anywhere anymore. i have to walk everywhere unless someone comes and gets me and thats probally not gonna happen cause i live way to far from ALL my friends. its not walking distance and i wont have any money for the bus. :/ fucky my life. and she was yelling at me cause i dont have a job, or my licnsese yet and im not gonna graudate subbosbly..
well listen bitch. i dont have a job cause do you understand how fucking hard it is to get a job when your 17 and stilll in high schoool!? huh? no? exactly so shut the fuck up. and ive been reading my book to study for my permit test. so calm the fuck down. and im gonna graduate just because you say im not. so when i graduate and you see me walking to get my diploma im gonna smirk at you and give you a middle finger. thats what im gonnna do. im gonna fucking prove you and everyone else wrong! at least i have brandi to motivate me to graduate. she has faith in me! thank god for her. speaking of her, were getting realllllly close again and i like it. were gonna have a sleepover this weekend and go hit up some parties! :)) were gonna become players cause were sick of boys hurting us! hahahaha. as long as i have her ill be okay. shes honestly my bestfriend. shes been there through everythingg. i love that whore more than anythinggg. im so thankful shes in my life. i became super close with people this break. like brian, and cj. i mean me and brian were close but were like super close. and me and cj are super close too! that niggas my pic<3
as long i stay in this moood ill be okay. ill make it through.
i just hope this year is diffrent.

:[

i dont even know what the fuck is going on. like, so much has happened in the past 2 weeks and i cant handle it anymore.
my "bestfriend" talked shit about me to her ex. like really? than tries being all coool with me and saying "oh whats wrong breee" blahblahblah. okay, what the fuck do you think is wrong?! my BESTFRIEND who i do everything for and who i let walk all over me fucking talks shit about me? nahhh. thats not how it goes. im done. we fight to much. im over it. i can find another bestfriend. it just sucks finding out that your just like EVERYONE else! ever since that fucking dick came into your life, you havent been the same. youve changed. were like not as close, were not the same bestfriends because of him. he came in, broke your heart, than turned you agaisnt me. fuck you, fuck him, fuck all of this. i dont need this anymore. i dont want a bestfriend anymore. i dont need one, there all just let downs. whatever.
and to make it all worse, now that im upset a boy i dont have my bestfriend to sit there give me a ciggerate and make evverything better. i have to cope with this on my own. and it sucks. i dont think i can do it. i need someone. but there's noone. cause they all tell me the same shit, like oh bre get over it. there's other fish in the sea blahblahblah, yea i know but fuck cant someone make me feeel better without saying that shit. like, i dont want pity. i juss want someone to put me a better mood. whatever, fuck it. i guess kyle will make me feel better when i see him tommrow at school. i think hes the only boy i trust. i think hes the only person i can trust. i hate this more than anything. i hate when shit falls apart. i know its gonna get better but i hate that feeling you have until it gets better. im not strong enough to handle all this shit on my own. i wish i was. i guess its time to start becomming stronger.