nothings making sense anymore :/
and i dont fucking like it.

you know your the only one for me.

im still hooked on a certian boy, and its getting in the way of me and this other boy who i thought i liked. but as i was hanging out with him and texting the other certain boy i was like ah fuck whyy! i cant get him offf my mind :/ hes always in my fucking head. certian things remind me of him, my faviorate song, showers, mickeymouse, flannels, laying in the bed, saying "if your lucky" going downtown, passing by his house, people mimicking my laughs. all reminds me of him and i see all those things like everyday. and its hard. i dont get why i cant just get over him. its been like almost a month and im still all hungup on him! this always happens but like i usually get over the boy after i find a new one, and ive found like 2 new boys but they arent the same as him): i actually got over the guy i thought i was in love with because of this fucker. im so upset cause i know nothing ever gonna happen but my hopes are so high.
:[ fuck

on the way down.

im not sure what i should do.
after me and dillon got in that huge fight he started being really nice to me and started being all cute with me and told me that maybe in the future me and him will work out. and today he started being cute again and acting like how he did before we started hooking up. and i dont know if i should keep talking to him, like texting him and hangout and see if he likes me. or just let it go and dont talk to him anymore? he hurt me before, he used me and broke me down. hell probally do it again right? unless id ont give it up to him and i dont hookup with him i just hangout with him as friends and then see where it takes us, cause maybe this time hell actually like ME and not "like" me to hookup with me. i dont want to sit there and get my hopes up again and then get hurt again, hes made my cry about 6 times in the amount of 2 weeks hooking up. i cant cry over him again. i just dont know what i should do. maybe i should kick it and be myself and see how things go. hes the only boy i have my eye on right now ): and it sucks cause i know what im getting myself into but i dont wanna admit it for some odd reason.
why cant i just find someone who wants to be with me? and why cant i just be happy? ALL my girlfriends have there boys and there all happy with them. im sick of this shit.
i dont even know anymoreeee. im so over it. i just want happinesss.

FUCK YOU

YOUR A PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA BLAME ME ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT ON ME?
YOUR THE ONE THAT SAID NO, AND NOW YOUR SAYING ITS ALL MY FAULT THAT IT DIDNT HAPPEN?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
how fucking immature can you really be? everyone was fucking right about you.
i wish i never saw you last night, i wish you didnt imply that i was cute, i wish i didnt text you today and i wish you didnt ask me if i got any last night.
AND IF I DID IS IT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUINUESS?! either your asking me cause you wanna be a dick, or your trying to say you just want to be friends which i know you fucking do, do you not remember you telling me it was just a hoookup when we were on your bed i cried for like 15 minutes while you TRIED to make me feel better? or maybe you asking me this is because your jealous?! well i doubt that. your just a fucking piece of shit. GO FUCK YOURSELF. i cant belive i ever fell for your stupid fucking traps. i cant belive i actually liked you. you have looks, but your just another player. i hope you fucking get your heart broken again and cry yourself to sleep at night and think to yourself damn i wish i woulda gotten with bre, she wouldnt have done this to me. BUT noooo, your a fucking idiot. you lost something that coulda been great. i fucking hope your happy with yourself. next time i see you, my shoe is going to your small ass balls you have. hope your ready.
ailkfhlakhfalhasklhasklfasklhfakl!$@#^$#@#$%^(*&^#@$^#$73462346 #@$&*@#



now that i got that off my chest..
things are slowly working out for me i guess.
im trying to stay postive but its hard when it feels like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
but i know im strong enough to get through this.
i just need someone to have faith in me.
or maybe i should have faith in myself.

as loser can win whenever he wants too, all he has to do is bring you down.

i was thinking a little too much today.
i really want to just get up, pack all my shit and leave. somewhere far. but then again i cant leave everyone i love behind.
i cant stay away from my parents, and my bestfriends. but i really cant stand another second in this god damn town. i hate it here. i hate everyone down here. i seriously dont hate like 20 people out of everyone i know. everyone else can honestly fuck off. i wanna go up to the IE. just a little house around fields and fields of nothing. just me, myself and i. i need to get away. i wanna go back up to hemet and with all those people. i feel so happy when im up there. i feel like im free. i feel like nothing else matters. and thats what makes me happy. knowing im away from all the bullshit and the people down here makes me happy. and thats fucking sad that i cant be happy unless im away from all my "friends" and the city i live in. i think its time for a vacation, i think its time to go to the river. i think i need some ME time. or at least me and tori go back up to hemet and stay the weekend up there, hangout with the boys, drink, laugh and spend the night with the boys we like and juss be happy. i hope we can this weekend.
speaking of boys, those nasty pigs. i hate them, ALL OF THEM! besides kyle. i like this boy who lives kinda far and i kinda fuckedup by telling someone i THOUGHT i could trust that me and him kissed and she told other people and he got all weird about it. we didnt kiss last time i was up there and he was kinda weird at first but i fell asleep on him in the car and we flirted and it was all cute and shit. ksfhalkfa. im actually starting to like him. last time i saw him it was just like eh whatever i didnt think he was that cute and shit and we talked about my friend he hookedup with a while ago. after the first time i met him and he was telling me he dosent date girls unless they really catch his attention cause hes been heartbroken before and stuff. and like after last time hanging out with him im just kinda like.. oh fuck i actually do like him. i get all happy when he texts me, i wait for him to reply and when its anyone else im like go away ! when i was up there with him and i fell asleep on him in the car i got mad butterflies like just him having his arm around me and stuff and like we were walking out of this pool hall and he grabbed my shoulders and got all close and ahhh i was like why is my stomach feeling this way? its a good feeling though. i just dont know whats going on. yesturday we flirted and it was cute but i dont know. im scared of getting hurt ): and its weird cause hes the only boy im really focused on right now.. why does this ALWAYS happen to me? like why? can someone please tell me? this is a sign from god that im gonna be sngle for the rest of my fucking life. no joke. i swear to jesus fucking christ im gonna be single foeverrr and ever. ha, FML :l

if i could tell the world just one thing, it would be were all okay<3

and finalllyyy im happpy :}
i havent been this happyy in a while.
like a new boy. dont know where thats going.
getting my shit together in school.
got my bestfriend back, were back to how we were.
im slowlyyy quitting smoking.
going on a diet soon, gonna lose weightt.
& gonna get a job soon!


hope i dont jinxx it but im happy and i can tell everythings finally working out in my favor<3

I cannot live I cant breathe unless you do this with me.

i hungout with vee last night. it felt like we still hangout everyday which was cool. nothings really changed. expect she looks diffrent, drives and we've both matured alot. but it was still like bree&vee. we still sang really loud to all our songs, and laughed at all the stupid things. i missed her. i hope we start to hangout more. im not saying were gonna be bestfriends again but she needs a friend and its gonna be. i have a bestfriend. and she has one, we just need each others support. im always gonna love her, shes always gonna be my moonunit. <3
Ah! so, well me and vee hungout with alyssa, some girl kate, kyle and vince yesturday aslo and that boy that goes to my school that im kinda into hangs out with them and kyle mentioned something to vince about how i thought he was cute and what not so vince decideds to text the boyyy and puts ina good word for me and tells him that me and him should get together and he said yeah, maybe but hes not lookin lookin for a relationship right now. and vince said hookup buddies then? and he saidddd yeah thats what i was thinking. and then my friend alyssa tells me that she talked to him and she said so i heard you talk to bre? and he said yeah in school but not outside of school and she was like oh well she thinks your cute and he said i think shes cute too :)WOOOO! ha. but the only bad thing is, is that i dont wanna be just a hookup. i just got out of something like that and it was horrible :/ i dont wanna be another fuck then him leave me then me get all attached and be all heartbroken. im over being heartbroken! but kylee and vince and them were saying how hes not like that. hes the sweeetest boy ever. which he is. hes like really nice. which is a plus. FINALLY a nice boy ! but i guess im just gonna kick back look cute and let him come to me.
well since im already speaking of boys. i dont know if i want too go up to moval to see jacob. like i want too to kick it with him, and edward and jimmy and them but i know shits gonna happen with jacob and like i said i dont wanna get attached then get heartbroken! but i wanna see him again ): da fuck! i dont even know.
and brad.. i dont think i can like him or go out with him again cause what he did to me and hes a big ass stoner now. like.. uhmm.. no. i dont like that. hes so diffrent now. hes how i wanted him to be when i broke upw it him. now hes that boy and i dont like it. AKLSFHALFHA! im so complicated. hahahaha. oh well.
fuck all this boy drama. my main goal is to graduate<3 WHICH, i will!

i finally discovered what makes you tick.

i miss the back in the day, back in kindergarden when the only thing you had to worry about was if you got nap time, and if all your crayons were in your box and you didnt give a fuck about anything or anyone. you didnt have to dress to impress, you could wear whatever you wanted, didnt even have to match and noone would say shit. when you got nap time, and cookies in milk in class. when you would go out and play with all your friends in the neighborhood. collect ants and rollie pollies and put them in a show box. when everything was easy. before all the curse words, drugs, alcohol, ciggerates, sex, drama and bullshit came into the picture. before high school happened. i wish it was same like back then when all i cared about was coloring, and playing in the mud. now, i have to worry about a job, my license, boys, drama, graduating, not getting into the whole drug scene, who not to talk to, and who i should talk too. what "scenes" are cool, which arent. what im gonna wear to school and with my friends. what boys think of me, my weight, packing on pounds of makeup so i look "pretty".
its all bullshit. its all dumb. i wish it wasnt like this.
i think im gonna quit smoking, or at least try.
not drink anymore, not do drugs. quit doing E, dont try anything else and get my shit together and get a job, my license and graduate this year. no more screwing around.
i want things to change.
and im gonna make them.
new year, new me. from this day on, i am going to change. for the better. i hope..
fuck, i just want everything to be simple.

i knew you were something special, when you spoke my name.

im not going to the riverr this weekend! thank god. i didnt wanna go, and besides i woulda been alone :/ i just relized i havent been to the river in forever. holy fuck. i wanna go. but not with my family. i wanna go with friends. and like get away from everyone. i just dont know when thats gonna be. oh well, this weekend should be fun. staying with tori, going to see suscide silencee @ the slide bar saturday with brandi, and jamie and whoever else goes, then sundayy maybe going to see jacob<3 hopefully that one works out cause i miss that little shit, and hes been super cute latleyy. but he probally just wants to fuck, HAHA! i dont know. im holding back my feelings for him, cause im sick of getting with the asshole man whores. i wish he lived closer thoughh ): maybe we can work out when he gets his car back! who knows. this weekend should be a good one. im gonna make it a good one! im not gonna let stupid people bring me down like always. i need to be happy from now on, and i think i will. or ill tryy.

so, im kinda into this new boy. well im not so much into him i just think hes super cute and hes really nice. hes been in one of my classes since the beggning of the year and we never talked cause he sits on the other side of the classroom and yesturday i had to go to a diffrent math teacher to get help and he was in that class and he started talking to me and we know the same poeple, like the same music, and we like kept talking on and on till the end of the class period. hes like super cute. plugs, and he has the cutest smile too! but i told two of my friends that know him and they said hes waaaaay too nice for me to go for him cause ill break his heart. what the fuck!? im not a heartbreaker. i just get sick of boys easily. but like, hes quiet and too himself kinda. hes more mysterious and we like the same music and stuff. hes like my type. i dont think ill get bored of him. i guess i might not cause hes too nice. but i wanna just start talking to him and get to know him cause hes a sweeetheart! but im scared that were gonna start dating and ill break his heart and ill get all his friends who are MY friends too will get mad at me and then ill be really awakrd at school. i dont even know. likeee, its werid. im just gonna start talking to him. who knows maybe hes not into me and it wont ever be anything and then i wont "break his heart" ha. i dont know. im not really a heartbreaker i just get bored of guys easily and i dont like really nice guys. i like the assholes. i still havent figured out why. oh well. day by day, step by step ill see what happens. im guess i just gotta work my magic. haha

why do i cry?

i need to get away. like im not even kidding. i hate everyone, and everything down here, and everywhere. im serioulsy starting to hate everyone. i dont even know why.
i wanna go to the river this weekend, but then i dont cause i want someone to go with, but then i kinda wanna be alone. i dont even know. ive got likee, 4 days to figure this shit out.
hmmm
stay in fulllerton with tori and everyone and probally be bored at the structure all the time, BUT go to suscide silenceeee with jamie and brandi at the slidebar saturday with hopefully more people, and be around my friends?
OR, do i go to the river with either myself, or a friend and ride the rihno and get away from all the bullshit in orange county, well califorina all together?
ill figure it out.

i cant belive brad's trying to come back in my life.. after all the shit he fucking put me through he has the nerve to come back in my life, or try too? but whats weird is after all that shit thats happend i still got the same butterflies i had a year ago when i met him, when i liked him. i dont know why i have those feelings again. i tried to push them out of my mind but they wouldnt go away. i should hate him for everything he did to me, but i cant :/ he said "i still have feelings for you:) and you know everything happens for a reason." so does this mean were kinda ment to be together? cause like, what the fuck i broke up with them a year ago, then tried getting back with him and it just didnt work out, then a year later he comes back and i still have the feelings ive had before, like does this mean were supposto be together or something? isnt there a saying like let them go if they come back its ment to be, or something like that? i guess this fits right where im at.. fuck. i dont know. and i guess there's another girl whos trying to get at him and im so pissed about it for some reason. like, i dont know why im jealous. i dont get jealous that easy anymore. well i kinda do, but not as much as i was when he told me some sophmore in college is trying to get at him. why the fuck wont these feelings go away?! WHY?!
and to top this all off i think im getting addicted to something i shouldnt be again ): i need help. i reallyyy do.
i just wish everything made sense for once.

your love drunk, your blinded.

im finally over it, i think :) i just hope i dont run into him any time soon.
i found out the boy im in love with is intrested in my bestfriend and suprisingly im totally fine with it. i just want her and him happy. there the two most amazing people i know. i guess this means im growing up since im throwing a bitch fit about it? or does this mean im not in love with him anymore? maybe i just love him maybe its not IN love anymore? who knows. i just hope there happy. i just hope ill be happy too.

Ah! i get to party with brandi tonight! and im super excited. i just need to find a cute outfit, and i need to make my hair all cute. i hate how short i cut it :/ i regret it. but itll grow back eventually.


honestly.. i think im finally growing up. and i cant be any more happy at the moment. <3

and its too late too apoligize.

The thing that upsets me the most is that we barley talk anymore, and that i was just points to him. it kills me. thats not what i wanted to be. he promised me i wouldnt be, and what ended up happening? he didnt catch feelings for me, and i was just a hookup to him. but whatever, i deserve better. it gets easier each day to get over it, and him. thank god for my friends :)
i cant wait for this weeekend! i get to party with brandi! yay! hopefully we both feel better before tommrow and saturday :/ im just gonna take a whole bottle of like day quill. hahahaha.

i dont like how my friends are turning out to be.
they're just.. i cant even explain it.
i feel like im drifitng apart from tori and it kills me inside.
:[ but i guess thats life. if were ment to be bestfriends itll workout right?
i hope so..
i need a new group of friends. i need to get away. i need to start over fresh. i need a new life. but im stuck with the one i have, so i guess i should just make the best out it?

players cant be played.

lets start off with the bad shit first.
alright, i texted dillon today, we texted for like about 5 minutes than he stopped texting me. and i suprisingly wasnt trippin'. im not gonna text him first. if he wants to text me first he can. im getting over it. he lost me. so fuck him :] i can find so much better. someone whos not gonna use me to get points. someone whos not gonna hurt me. hopefullyy.
ah, so my mom isnt gonna give me any more money and not take me anywhere anymore. i have to walk everywhere unless someone comes and gets me and thats probally not gonna happen cause i live way to far from ALL my friends. its not walking distance and i wont have any money for the bus. :/ fucky my life. and she was yelling at me cause i dont have a job, or my licnsese yet and im not gonna graudate subbosbly..
well listen bitch. i dont have a job cause do you understand how fucking hard it is to get a job when your 17 and stilll in high schoool!? huh? no? exactly so shut the fuck up. and ive been reading my book to study for my permit test. so calm the fuck down. and im gonna graduate just because you say im not. so when i graduate and you see me walking to get my diploma im gonna smirk at you and give you a middle finger. thats what im gonnna do. im gonna fucking prove you and everyone else wrong! at least i have brandi to motivate me to graduate. she has faith in me! thank god for her. speaking of her, were getting realllllly close again and i like it. were gonna have a sleepover this weekend and go hit up some parties! :)) were gonna become players cause were sick of boys hurting us! hahahaha. as long as i have her ill be okay. shes honestly my bestfriend. shes been there through everythingg. i love that whore more than anythinggg. im so thankful shes in my life. i became super close with people this break. like brian, and cj. i mean me and brian were close but were like super close. and me and cj are super close too! that niggas my pic<3
as long i stay in this moood ill be okay. ill make it through.
i just hope this year is diffrent.

:[

i dont even know what the fuck is going on. like, so much has happened in the past 2 weeks and i cant handle it anymore.
my "bestfriend" talked shit about me to her ex. like really? than tries being all coool with me and saying "oh whats wrong breee" blahblahblah. okay, what the fuck do you think is wrong?! my BESTFRIEND who i do everything for and who i let walk all over me fucking talks shit about me? nahhh. thats not how it goes. im done. we fight to much. im over it. i can find another bestfriend. it just sucks finding out that your just like EVERYONE else! ever since that fucking dick came into your life, you havent been the same. youve changed. were like not as close, were not the same bestfriends because of him. he came in, broke your heart, than turned you agaisnt me. fuck you, fuck him, fuck all of this. i dont need this anymore. i dont want a bestfriend anymore. i dont need one, there all just let downs. whatever.
and to make it all worse, now that im upset a boy i dont have my bestfriend to sit there give me a ciggerate and make evverything better. i have to cope with this on my own. and it sucks. i dont think i can do it. i need someone. but there's noone. cause they all tell me the same shit, like oh bre get over it. there's other fish in the sea blahblahblah, yea i know but fuck cant someone make me feeel better without saying that shit. like, i dont want pity. i juss want someone to put me a better mood. whatever, fuck it. i guess kyle will make me feel better when i see him tommrow at school. i think hes the only boy i trust. i think hes the only person i can trust. i hate this more than anything. i hate when shit falls apart. i know its gonna get better but i hate that feeling you have until it gets better. im not strong enough to handle all this shit on my own. i wish i was. i guess its time to start becomming stronger.