losing it.

i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

we knew it would happen eventually..

what do you do when your starting to fall in love with someone who's like an older brother to you? ive liekd him for 4 years since the day i met him, its only been a simple crush in the back of my head BUT recently things have gotten diffrent and im starting to actually likelike him and i dont know what to do. :[ he said a couple months ago i had a chance, but he's a man whore and gets with everyone.. or what he says is "i give everyone a chance." ha yeah right. tonight we flirted like crazy, i sat on his lap, he gave me his shirt to wear, i smelt like him the wholeee night, he was being an asshole so he told me to punch him so i did in the face like 6 times, harder each time and i made his lip bleed but i kissed the side of his lip like his cheek and we almost kissed but we didnt i dont know whyyyy. and he gave me a big hug and we sang songs together.. :/ mixed signals? yeeeah. and my friend knows i like him and she texted me everytime she saw us flriting and that was alot cause i got a text like every two seconds. we flirt, but he looks at me like a little sister?! whaaaat the fuck. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DIFFCULT!? like reallly? common now. i wish he was fucking easier to understand. gah. i help him with his fucking girl problems, im there everytime with open arms when he's sad and he keeps getting with the bitches that hurt him when IM RIGHT HERE AND I WONT HURT HIM! im not like the scene whores he gets with.. :/ maybe if i turn into a nasty scene slut he'll get with me! hahahahahahahahahah NOT. faaaack it.

im turning lesbien

i HATE boys.
nuff said.

i fell asleeep with the lights on.

today and last night were reallllllly good nights. last night went to the bpm of course, and i actually got along with anthony for once. hahahaha. i hit him once on accident and he didnt hit me back. and he gave me a goood hug!? ahhaha. werid i know. and he said the only reason he makes fun of my freckles and shit is cause they want me to get over it or something. i guess it makes senseee? tyler said im a pretty girl though :D who knows if he's kidding. hahaha. dgafff. i dont care what people reallly think of me anymore. like im slowly starting to get over my freckles. but if someone constianllty makes fun of them i get all ":/" yaa know? haaaa. oh well. and i saw chris last night. i was really hyper and me and tori were waiting for my dad to get us in the back of howies by the asain buffet and i see summer walk up and she's with dave and two other boys, and it was dark so i couldnt see who it was, and it was CHRIS! i didnt notice it was him and he got all asshurt and than wouldnt hug me, but i walked over to the front of howies to hug him. i was happppy. it made me night. and than today me and tori woke up at like 10 ate a huuuuuge breakfast with the family and we laid in bed for a while, than watched youtube video's ALLLL god damn day. and argued with some stupid person in her truth box cause they said ciggs arent drugs when we looked it up and they ARE. gah, stupid people. but i havent laughed this hard in foreverrrrrrrrrr. were gonna make viedo's on tuesday when we hang out. :} blahhh, today was a good day.


when im with certian people i wanna boyfriend, and when im with other people i dont. i dont even know ha. ill juss seeee where the wind takes me?! mmm yeah that sounds like a good idea.



schoools out on tuesday and the first day of summer starts offically. summerschool thoughh /: oh well. at least ill actually get credits. FUCK this summmer's gonna be fun i know it will but i dont think its gonna be as amazing as last summer with vee.. :[ fuck the past.
but i can actually say things are kinda going alright for once in a while.

there's nothing you can say, nothing you can do.

ive been in such shitty mooods latley, i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me latley. but i wanna go back to how i use to be. i wanna be smiling all the time. i wanna be happy like i use to, i wanna be able to walk in a room without someone asking if im okay, or if ive been crying :[
i mean i dont have the best life, but i dont have the shittest. i just want things go right for once. yeaaaa, things are going better than they were a couple months ago but the small things like getting jamie back as a friend is always a plus, getting chuck back makes me fucking smile nonstop. but im losing brandi slowly to drugs. im not gonna pass high school when im suppsoto. ive reliazed the way i am, and ALOT of fucken people dont like me from my past. i have friends but there fucking assholes to me. i dont even fucking know anymore. i really want new friends, i really want a boyfriend. i really want my freckles to go away. i really miss chris. i really want brandi back. i really wanna move to chacigo. i really just wanna start over..



i fucking hate my freckles. i got made fun of cause of them for like a whoooole fucking day. like are they REALLY that fucken bad?! i wish i liked them. i want them to go away. gah, when i dont wear that much makeup people are like ewww, look at your freckls, and when i wear makup there like eww, you wear too much makeup. like what the fuck! what do you fucking want!? seriouslyyy. fuck it. =l


I DONT EVEN ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.
things are falling apart, & i cant stand it anymore.

i give up, i give up, i give up.

im SO fucking done with boys. they're all honestly a big fucking pain in my ass. im sick of this "oh baby, dont worry i wont hurt you. your the only girl i like.." BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. yeah, if im the only girl you like why are you fucking that one nasty FAT manly beast THING behind my back?! huh? yeah, stick a dick in your fucking mouth and shut the fuck up. kthanks. gahhh.
this goes out to all the boys:
Never say I love you if it isn't really there. Never talk about feelings if you really don't care. Never hold my hand if you're going break my heart. Never say you are going to if you dont plan to start. Never look into my eyes if all you do is lie. Never say hello if you really mean goodbye And if you really mean forever Then please say you'll try ... Never say forever... because "that doesn't exist."



ahhh, i made peace with like so many people these past couple weeks. im pretty pleased with myself. why do i need to "hate" people? hate is juss a pointless emotion or whatever the fuck it is. haaaaa. i juss want everything to work out, i want this summer to be as amazing as last summer. but BETTTER! ahh.

and boy does it feeel so good.

i FINALLLY made peace with chuck. i think.
we talked today and he has a smile on his face the whole time, and he gave me a hug when i left. ahhh. seriously that's the only person i care about making peace with. i know were not gonna be as close as we were but at least i got him back as a friend right? i kinda wish i told him i was IN love with him a little earlier. maybe than i would have an AMAZING boyfrann and not get fucked over by these little faggots. ah shit. oh welllll. things happen for a reason, and if "faith" gtes us together than so be it. ima sit back and let the wind take me where it fucking wants toooo.



i found out today im gonna gradutae a month after im supposto! AHHHH.
well thats only if i do good in summer schoool, and if i get my shit together next year. which im going tooo. i wanna show everyone i AM fucking capable of making it through highschoool. i wanna make brandi, tori, my momma and everyone proud of me.<3



so i can pretty much say everything's starting to work out, & im pretty happppie.
nothing's gonna bring me down

who's gonna break your fall?

i need happiness in my life.
i need brandi, vee, chuck, and so many more people back in my life.
i talked to my momma today and she thinks the only reason i havent been happy is because the people i need the most have been walking out of my life like its just so damn easy..
why do i lose all these fucking friends? what am i doing wrong? =/ obviously im doing something fucking wrong if the only people i really care about are slipping right through my fingers.. i wish i knew how to get them back. but i guess they left for a reason? so if were ment to be friends, they'll come back right? i dont even know anymore. the one person i thought i would never lose is slowly leaving me. and im losing faith in everything.
what happened to the day me and vee went to the fair and we took that picture where she's holding my arm, and i told her i'd never let her go..
what happened to chuck texting me cute things and "ALWAYS" being there for me?
what happened to me and brandi being hoface& sugarmuffin forever?
shit happens i guess.






i dont even care about having a boyfriend anymore, all i want is my old life back.
god, is this too much to ask for?