struggle is nothing but love.

my mom thinks i have deppression, and anxiety..
all cause im never happy anymore. im never smiling like i use to, im not happy like i use to be, im not hyper like i was a couple months ago, im not the same bre. and when things arent right i cry. if i cant find my shoe i cry, when im alone i cry, when my phone dosent work i cry, when i cant sleep i cry, just little things bug me. i dont know what's wrong with me. its not like i wanna cry i juss do. its worse when im on my period. ive been so emotional latley and i dont know why. things arent how they use to be and i think that's why im not happy anymore. i just want to go back to when we were all a happy family, when drugs never came in the picture, when everyone loved each other.
too bad things wont go back to how they use to be no matter how hard i try to fix them.. :[




all i really want is my freinds back, a boyfriend, my old life back.
is that too much to fucking ask?!

this is war we cannot win

i blame myself for you turning to drugs, i dont blame anyonee else but me. i feel like after we didnt talk for those 2 monthss you started hanging with those kids, and they do drugss alot so you did it cause you were around theeem. i dont even knowww. i just feel like if we still hung out everydayyy or at least almost everyday you wouldnt have turned to those fucking drugs. like snorting adroal?! you know that shit's straight speed. everyoneee told meee. ive asked at least 8 people in the past 3 days since i last saw you. yeah its fucking speed and the sad thing is i dont doubt you doing it again when you told me you wouldnt, /: but its my shit to deal with. its YOUR life, if you wanna hang out with the druggies, and fuck up your life BE MY GUEST. i didnt wanna say this but i dont caree anymore. im sick of trying to help people and ME getting hurt in the process, i wont stand for that shit anymorreeee. im not trying to be a hyprocite cause yeah im doing drugs this weekend but im not doing speed, and this will be the first time in a while ive been doinggg this spefic drug. i dont do that shit everyday like some people i know :[ god, peoplee i care about piss me the fuck off. i kinda wish drugs werent so popularrr, or not everyonee knew about them. escipally people who are GOOOD people, with GOOOD intentions, have GOOOOD lifes, and have there whole life ahead of them.
ughhh, whateverrr.





im just happy im leaving for 5 days with toriiii<3
getting away from the BULLSHIT in DRAMAparkkkk,

i dgaf cause im bregaf.

im starting not to care about anyoneee or anything anymore. its bad? hah whateverrr. losing peopleee gets eaiser each timee. & when i get yelled at and dropped it dosent phase me that much anymore. nooone can really hurt me after what vee, cody, & chuck did to me. HA. gah, im so sick of people. i wish i could just take a machette to half the poeple i know's heads. likeeeee straight the fuck up. i hate so many people, i hate more people than i love. i dont think that's healthy. oh well right?
people wanna fight, well its a fucking war.
BRING IT.

lifeeeeeeeee

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upsetis a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

they dont see you like i do baby.

i wish i wasnt a shallow bitch :[ i wish i never fuckedup, i wish chuck still loved me. i wish i could still run up to him hug him, and sit on his lap. i wish i still got those cute text's & IM's at like 5 in the morning saying "as creepy as this sounds i stayed up all night kickin it with friends and you were the only thing i thought about." i wish he still stole my phone from me and i had to beg him to get it back, i wish he let me kiss his cheek, i wish i could go up to him, put my arm on him like a arm rest & he'd have his arm around me. i wish he stil dedicated cute songs like beatutiful to me, i wish me and him were still as close as we were/: i wish i never fuckedup. he's theeee only boy i regret fucking up on, i regret every bad thing i did. i regret "leading" him on, i regret "playing mind games" with him, i wish i wasnt sucha stupid bitch cause i'd be in love with him right now :[ fuck, i hate being the way i am sometimes. gahhh, he was the only boy i would ever trust going out with, he's theee only boy i cared about. yeah, i care about guysss, but i never cared about a boy like i care about him. :( whatever. i guess this is lifeee, & life goes on? suree. i just wish he was still here.
i love you charles anthony saxon, i never ment to hurt you the way i did. <3











i need a boy, /:
i wish i had chris still.

all the small things.

im sick of losing friends so i can help people. i do ONE goood thing and i get fucking yelled at and dropped by half my friends, sweeeeeeeet d0000d. i dont even care anymore. its fucking stupid. that's the last time ill ever try and help a friend. hah.

& me and kailey like arent as close as we were :[ greeeat. there go another friend. wooo!

i saw chirs. better known as the boy who hit it and quit it on saturday morning. bahahahahahaha.
me and my friend summer who's goood friends, like a sister to him went to his house to say bye to our friends before he left to sandegio for a week, so i walk in and he looks at me like what the fuck. i felt it was the look like what are you doing here? but i didnt care. i came to see ryand, not him. hahaha. and like he wasnt really flirting at first than he kinda got a little more flirty and than we kinda sorta cuddled after he dropped off a sac. i got so sad cause when i use to go over there like everyday when we had our thing he always took me to drop off sac's, like he'd grab my hand and walk with me and always kiss me. it was cute :[ i miss that. and when he came back, he laied next to me and i was holding his arm. so we were KINDA cuddling, but it wasnt like how it use to be /: than me and summer left and when we walked outside he gave me a huuuuge hug and i kissed my hand than put it on his cheek and than he grabbed me and kissed me. it like made me smile but than it made me miss that kid alot more than i did. fuuuuuhk, were never gonna go out, or even talk again so i dont know why im getting my hopes us again :[ i hate him.
ugh, i guess well have to see if he wants to try things out again. =/





i saw my bestfriend last night for the first time in 2 months :] i was pretty happy, execpt the fact that i didnt see her for that long/: ahhh. and she told me about her doing drugs and like i got kinda mad about it. i didnt tell her but it killed me when she told me. what happened to my little innocent bestfriend?! and stupid aaron was there. ugh, fuck him too. he hates me from me hurting him. BITCH ITS BEEN LIKE FUCKING 8 MONTHS. get the fuuuuck over it. gawd. whatevers. he can have that fucking "thing" he's dating. bahaha. i had a dream i beat the shit out of her last night. it was funny. i laughed when i wokeup. it made my morning. but than it got ruined when i saw kailey after 2nd and she said she needs to talk to me cause she's "irrated" with me. who the FUCK knows what its about. whatever.




im sick of all this drama.
gahhhh but at least im gonna get away from everyonee this weekend, thursday-monday.
river with tori, fack yesssh. & were gonna roll :P hahahaha! gonna be siiiiick as fuuuh.
im not gonna see tyler, anthony & cody :[ awh. sad, but hopefully is see chris before i leaveee. & when im on E i have a feeling ima be texting everyoneee saying sorry for shit and how i feel about them, bad & good. hahaha hopefully tori takes me phone away from me. lololol



ALI COMES DOWN MONAY! ahh! omgomgomgomgomgomg. i havent seen my baby in so long, im fucking excited<3

pokerfaceee

the block was pretty fun after a while. besides the fact that i dropped my phone off the top balcony of vans :[ now when i call people i cant hear them. but they can hear me. at least i can still text and shit. fuuuuuuuck my phone. at least i got it fo freeee:D hahahahaha.
last night kailey spent the night so i can take her to schoool, we had our bonding time.. kinda. i fell asleeep on her. and she stayed up ALLL night cause my sisters radio was on. bahahaha. pooor baby. but she came to schoool 2 hours earlier than when she usually starts, and im staying an hour extra so we're staying at schoool alllllllllllllll day for each other. were lame :p and than were going to her house after school so we can get ready together, eat dinnnner, i get to sit next to her HOT but mean ass brother /: & than go to the malll. i wanna get FUUUUUUHKED up d0000d. /: fuck. i think sanchez is gonna pick us up when he's sober and take us to get alcohol. fackyessssh.
mm so i texted chuck and was like do you work today and i get a big FUCK YOU. lololol. HAHHAHA well hey, fuck you too (;
when you see me tonight looking all cute your gonna wish you never fuckedup with me. so HA.
i know if he says anthing to me tonight, sober or drunk ima fucking break down :[ ahhh. fuck. ill have kailey and she wont let anything happen to me. <3333


i neeed to go to the gym or work out at home or something. fuuuuuuhk.
i hope i seee joshiepoo tonight :]<3333

your not worth losing sleep over.

boys take over my life, HA. straight up. if im not talking to one, im either fighting with one, looking for one, or crying over one. its patheic. hah :[ i need to focus on other shiiiet but boys but that wont happen. bahahah!
i hate the fact that the boys i dont want like me, and the boys i want dont want me. fuck that who;e cycleee. hahaha.
i wish girls never got feelings for boys, or boys werent so stoooopid.
"boys come from jupiter cause they're more stooopitder"
AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA.
i need a boyfriend or something. nooo, i know what i need! i need a sex toy. /: hah.
well see what happens this weeekend with a certian someoneee, & if nothing than i guesss summer will be the time to find a boy? yeah.



im doing so goood in schoool. i buckled down and got my shit together finally. i finsished 3 classes, which were my main classes. im hopefully gonna graduate only a couple months after im suppusto instead of graduating 2 years like i got told. gahh im so happy im finally getting my shit together :>

me and kailey are suuuuper close and it makes me happy. last night we dedicated the gayest song's to each other. it was cute. she's like one of my bestfriends and im glad she's in my life cause she makes me laugh allll the time. were gay for each other.<33:D

what have i gotten into this time around?

ahh so i have siriueses shit in my hair which is like dry skin, its craddle cap that i never grew out of and seriously i brushed my hair this morning and i lost so much hair. like i pulled a piece of my hair out. like a chunk with that shit on it. ewwww, im going bald. my mom said im probally gonna have to cut my hair off. like ALOT. like a little up to my shoulders. wow, fucking great dude. my hair's the only thing i really have. everyone wants my hair cause its fucking loooong, and real! fuck that shit. im not fucking cutting my hair. ughhh, i hate this stupid shit. i wish it would juss go away /: but my hairs getting too long and its such a hassle so i guess i should cut it. ughhhh. fuuuck whateverrrr dude.



i get to see my bestfriend friday! :] im so fucking excited. were going ghost hunting. bahah. d00000d. i havent seen her in so fucking long. ohmygahhh. its been like 2 months /: thats WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to long but i get to see her. ahh and its only tuesday. this weeek's gonna go by so fucking slow. errrrg. fuck. oh well, at least i have something to look foward too. and hopefully i look cuuuuute for that one boy and if he flirts with brandi ill juss flirt with is bestfriend. HAHAHA! fuck iiiiiit.





boys are so lame, but lucky i gots my giiiirls.
brandi, britt, kailey & tori :D

well, count to ten, take it in

i never knew how strong i was until being strong was the only option i had /:
im not gonna be made broken anymore. im not gonna cry, im not gonna be sad, im gonna smile and carry on with my day. NOONE will break me. ive been called every fucking name in the bok byt the ones i "love"
ive been to fucking hell and back. im strong and never fall down. no more being weak.




im kinda sick of not having a boyfriend. yeah being single's fun but it gets lame after a while. escipally cause i havent hookedup with or kissed a boy in so long. well i have but i ment NOTHING. im always talking to at least 1 boy.. and now im talking to none. errrrg. well i flirt with people but im not talkingtalking and its like werid for me. i need action! HA.
there's only one boy i have in mind but tooooo bad im not good enough for him cause he wants both of my bestfriend /: ugh.
i neeeeeed to go to the block or somewhere and look for cute boys! i always say that but im being serious this time. ill actually talk to the cute ones.
noooooooooo, WAIT! ill go to a show and find those damn hardcore boys. mmm yummmy (;
but i guess ill juss sit back and wait for some fagg to come around >:l
i hate that ALLLLL my friends have at least someone. whaaatever.








THINGS I WANNA DO THIS WEEKEND:
-go to the beach at night and walk along the beach till we get kicked off.
-go find cute boys :]
-pull an all nighter with tyler anthony and cody
-go ghost hunting.
-get suuuuuper shammmered/party.



^^^^ someone needs to go with me, probally brittany for the beach thing, and getting super shammered and than the all nighter and the ghost hunting ill go with tyler, cody & anthony :D

fairytales dont always come true.

and juss when i thought everything was finally okay EVERYFUCKINGTHING falls apart.

im losing like everyone. everyone's slipping through my fingers.

im losing or lost so many friends since the beggning of this year. like i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. i lost the one boy who means everything to me. im losing my bestfuckingfriend. im losing so many people. i have like nooone execpt like 4 people :/ i dont know what's happened to me.

ive changed so much, its like fucking sad. i look at how i use to be, and how i am now and woooooooow. ive become sucha fucked up person. i dont even know who i am anymore. i dont know what to do with myself. im not the same bre i was like a year or 2 ago. i wish i wasnt who i am today. i never thought i'd say this but im fucking ashamed of who i am. i need change, but its so hard. i need to stop smoking ciggerates but i cant. cause when i try and stop i start feening and i fucking shake and it gets to bad i freak out if i dont get one. im so addicted in sucha short amount of time :[ its been almost a year since ive been smoking and im fucking addicted. this is gonna be so hard to not smoke. i need someone to stop with me so i have some support but none is, im doing this alone. fuck whatever. \



i need to lose weight, & i want my freckles to go away.
i HATE having pretty friends cause the boys i like always want them instead of me. i hate this. fuuuuuuck. kfhalsflaskas;
i dont even know anymore.

this isnt the end.

my number one fear:
Achluophobia - Fear of darkness
i had a dream last night i was in the middle of no where by myself, with no light, nothing and i got lost and died. so i woke up crying and that killed my day "/ but corey made it better when he told me that him, travis, and britt are gonna double date. and corey's my date :D its like not even a date, i dont know what it is. but he had his arm around me like the whole day so now MORE people think were dating. lololol. haahahhahaha. it makes me laugh. but 2nd period came and richard was being cute and than he got so mad at me when juan told him i was gonna go on a date wiff corey. he said the meanest shit and made my eyes water :( but i stopped crying and yelled at him and i threw away the picture he drew me, like i took it out from the front of my binder and ripped it up in front of him and threw it in the trash and he got so mad, like he told me he'd never talk to me again and shit and usually he always looks back at me when he's "mad" but he didnt this time so i think he hates me. HAHAH! oh wellll. the only thing good about him is he's attractive for being mexcian but other than that he's fucken lameee to the MAX. oh well ill find a new boy sooon. i always do :P
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
i hate seeing my good friends sad and homless.
like yesturday i went to the mall and met up with tyler and he's still homeless so i bought him food and gave him money so he can buy food the next morning. he stays at a park, not at a friends house at a fucken park! "/ i wish he could stay wiff me. but he cant. fuuuuck. he'll go home eventually. and tha dave was sad so i spent the last of my money on him to make him happy. i got him that dank choclate shiiiiet. lololol. hahaha. i spoil ALLLL my guy friends. its sad. but oh well :} i rather spoil them than spoil myself.

im slowly quitting smoking. i smoked like 4 ciggs through out the whole day and since than i havent had one :]
i cant cold turkey it, i mean i can but i dont want too cause ive only been smoking for like uhmm 10 months and shit dude im addicted. it fucken sucks. but ima quit so my teef dont get fukhed up and they stay white and nice like they are. hahahaha.
i need to buy myself lolipop's or something to relpace the ciggerates. i was thinking about weed but that wont work, so ima stick to jollyranchers and lolipop's :)
i hope people support my quitting and dont give me ciggerates.


ewsjhgutsdghdgsdgfsjhdgfse;'
i neeed a boyfrannn, to bad the boy im talking to lives like in buttfuckegypt.
he needs to come back to the bpm :[

maybe now we can pretend.

everything's starting to get better, FINALLY.

there's a few things that suck but its life and they'll smoothen out eventually.

me and brittany are suuuuper close like bestfriends close. me and chuck are friends again, i got away from the bullshit and drugs finally, im gonna see brandi tommrow for the first time in a loooong time, im gonna quit smoking ciggerates, im gonna lose weight hopefully and im getting my grades up! :D


yesturday i went to the bpm and on the way i saw posum! i yelled bestie and gave him a huge hug and kidnapped him cause he was gonna go to douchebags house and we went to howies and saw everyone and than he left. but i made a new friend! daves girlfriend summer. she's chill and were gonna kick it more often. than brian came so britt was all over him so me and sammie kicked it with everyone else. EVERYONE was there, besides a few people but it was still fun. nathan let me wear his jacket till he left for the beach it was cute. i looked "cute" in it cause it was a band jacket and it was kinda big. hah. and that one fag who swears like he's better than everyone tried to get all up on my junk like ALWAYS so nathan let me sit on his lap but i felt like my fatt ass was breaking him so i got up. than everyone started leaving and at one point it was me and josh and we talked about how he always gets hurt and i made him feel better and we texted that night and he was like i love you so much bre. it was cute. so i had a good night till some fag fucked it up by texting me saying he wants me to be his gf but i told him no cause he's a flirt and i dont trust him but he'll have to prove to me he really likes me and he said fuck it nevermind so he hates me again. he likes me one day he hates me the next, and its a fucking cyle that's been going on for like 2 weeks and im sick of it. but i woke up happy cause cause i woke up to a text messge from chuck at like 5 in the morning saying "creepy as it sounds i stayed up all night kickin it with friends, and you were the only thing i thought about" and i asked him what about and he said how amazing i am, but he's gonna explain it later cause he's going to sleep than he told me he loved me. so it made my morning.


bad things going on right now:
-no boyfriend.
and
-losing my bestfriend slowly.
and that's about it. everything else is fiiiiiine.
:]
thank god.

everything

i wrote bout brandi on here i take back.
i need you! :(
i miss my bestfriend. i need you more than ever right now. i need to see you. fuck.

so much to say, so little time.

CHUCK LOVES ME AGAIN! :D
we kicked it sunday when i came home from the river and everything went back to normal. finally i got him back. now i need to fix things with brandi.. it seems like she dosent wanna hangout with me anymore. whatever though. she has victoria and jacob. fucking coool. i never thought we'd fall apart. guess i was wrong. oh well dude. shit happens i guess. ive lost so many friends in the past couple years it dosent even affect me anymore. i juss want my bestfriend back, i juss want her to come down all the time. oh wait, she wont cause she cant leave her "friends" not even to see me for a day. yep. i live fucking 15 minutes away. i can come pick you up all the time but no. you dont want too. its chill. dont trip. i really dont think i can have a REAL bestfriend anymore. not after vee. not after that cunt fucked up my life. oh and she had to fucking audacity to fucking text me saying "i miss you" blah blah blah. than finally i told her she fucked up my life and im done. i cant go back to her. i cant go be bestfriends with her again cause if she dropped me for vince once, she'll do it again. fuck "bestfriends" there's no such thing as bestfriends FOREVER! fuck that shit. who needs a bestfriend?! i dont. i can depend on myself. ive already learned after vee fucked me over and i had nooone and when i was dealing with all this bullshit and brandi wasnt there i had to deal with it myself and i figured out how to be strong and deal with it by myself. so fuck you. im not ready to say goodbye yet but i know its gonna happen soon. real soon. goodbye's are easy for me now. after what happened with vee i got strong. im changing. and its scaring me. im not the old bre i use to be. what's going on with me?!? i dont know. there's so much i need to figure out right now..

im going, im going, im gone.

FINALLY, no bullshit, no drama, no phones, just me and britt for a whole weekend 23973025 miles away. i need to get away from everyone and everything. there's so much on my mind and i cant think about any of it when im in shitty ass califorina, better yet, shitty as buena park. getting away will do me some good. ill finally get to spill out everything and hopefully ill be in a better mood when i come back.