i know a whole bunch of bad shit happened, i know things happened that shouldnt have.
and i blame myself for all them.
IM FUCKING SORRRY.
i lost all my friends in fullerton, besides tori, paul and brian.
im sure there gonna hate me soon tooo.
but oh well, if there my REAL friends theyll understand what happened, and belive me.
and not what everyone else has to say.
yeah, ive lied in the past but im not lying about this.
FUCK WHO EVER DOSENT BELIVE ME.
you obviously werent my friend in the first place.
even one of my "bestfriends" is mad at me for all this.
and its stupid, but alright go ahead hate me.
i juss want this to all blow over, and i want to be happy again.
i need new friends, i need a new groupp, i need a new life.

NO MORE DRINKING FOR ME, NO MORE BEING STUPID AND IMMATURE.
im growing up, slowly but surley.
fuck you haters.
i delted everyone out of my life i no longer want to talk to..


hopefully this is for the best.. :/

I FUCKING HATE YOU, I FUCKING HOPE YOU DIE. FUCK YOU!
GO FUCK YOURSELF, AND DONT EVER FUCKING SHOW YOUR FACE TO ME AGAIN.

i fucking hate you.
i fucking hate myself

Stay here with me.

I CANT GET ANY FUCKING HAPPIER.
im like so content right now, its ridicilious.
im happy though, and i like it.
everything's starting to fall right in place<3

Haters kiss my anus.

This whole staying postive and not letting anyone bring me down is actually working :)
Im really happy, FINALLY.
I havent cried in since I came to this relaztion like a couple days ago, ive beeen happy ever since and thats AMAZING for me. Casue one day ill be upset, the next ill be happy, then upset again and its like im biplor BUT im consistnally happy :)


TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW, I MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD<3

Take a look at me now, Im on top of the world. I made it

I finally reliazed that I dont need boys to make me happy, I dont need drugs and alcohol to make me happy. I have my friends and family and thats all I really need.
I mean yeah, I smoke ciggerates to relive stress. and I drink cause I wanna have fun, and I talk to boys because I want the atention, I wanna feel loved. BUT I reliazed I dont NEED THEM.
Im not saying im gonna like stop talking to boys for good, like im not gonna go out of my way to talk to a boy, im not gonna go loking for a boy to make me happy, cause i got the friends to do that.
I think im not gonna drink for a while, Im gonna try to quit smoking. IM GONNA TRY. im not saying its gonna happen, im gonna try my hardest. Its really hard though.
I just reliazed I cant let the whole party scene take over my life. Yeah, parties are fun and drinking with the homies is cool, but I have other priorties to worry about it. Not stupid bullshit. I need to worry bout my family, our money problems, getting a job, getting my license and graduating on time. Im just gonna live my life the way I want too, and get my shit together in the process.
I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. They have my back when I need it. They love me for me, and the haters, FUCK THEM.
I reliazed the little things make me happy, like having a conversation bout life with a good friend, having a massive singalog with my bestfriend, driving to nowhere, going to the beach and sitting while watching the sunset, watching cartoons in my pajama's all day. movie night with the family. and smiling.
I dont need to worry about the little things. NO more crying over the stupid shit. FROM NOW ON THERE GONNA BE A SMILE ON MY FACE AT ALL TIMES. Im not letting noone bring me down.
Im finally happy :)

i never said id take this lying down.

WOW.
i fucking hate boys.
this is why i have trust issues.
this is why im fucking single.
this is why i cry.
this is why i dont talking to boys.
this is why im so werid with boys.
FUCK THISSSS!


i feeel like sucha fucking dumb ass..
i cant belive i belived YOU.
i cant belive i fell for it.
please, jump off a fucking bridge.

Im holding on to a fairytale, were moving foward but were not there yet.

slowly but surley everything is finally falling into place.
im not over dilllon yet. i still have those feelings for him, and i didnt expect me to get over him in like a minute looking at the way i am with boys. but day by day im slowly letting go. i actally talked to one of his good friends and i looked at the picture of him sitting on my lap, and i didnt phase me. i juss kinda laughed. i think me and him are alot better off as friends. NOT HOOKUP BUDDDY'S, juss friends. maybe in the future things will work out. but now, nah. and im totally fine with that :) im done talking to him too. i need time to get over him fully, and he needs time to reliaze how much of a douchebag he is. HAHAHA :)
im not really ready for a boyfriend. im still imature and i dont need the drama a boyfriend brings right now. its my senior year, i juss wanna have fun, party it up with my girls, and graduate in june. until then im not gonna stress over boys. i mean im kinda intrested in one boy, and were going to disneyland but things arent gonna go anywhere with me and him. its kinda more of a hookup. but who knows. whatever happens happens, im juss gonna kick back and let the wind take me where it wants too.
i just want things to be good with me and tori again, i want things to go back to how they were over summer time. and they slowly are. she spent the night last night, i really didnt hangout with her though cause she was with brian last night at my house and everyone else was there too, and i was trying to be a good hostest. but we talked before we went to sleep. haha. she has her licnese now so shell be comming to pick me up now, and well have more days to hangout. i kinda want a day where its just me and her hanging out but that never happens. shes always busy :/ oh well. shell hopefully find time for me.
im like really happy at this moment in time, i hope it lasts<3

..........

I FUCKING HATE YOU.
i try to talk to you about us being done and you fucking laugh at me. you think im a fucking joke or something?! then your a total dick to me which isnt like you. your usually really nice to me and i bet it was cause everyone was around. they were like 40 feet away from us. if we were at the libary how it usually is juss me and you, you'd let me sit on your lap and youd be all cute but NO cause your bestfriend was there you had to be a dick..like what the fuck? i just need to get over you and you say stupid shit like oh "you act like were going out" UH NAH FOOOL i juss wanna know if were done hooking up so i know if i can get over you or not. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. go fuck another girl in the butt and cry over how much girls hurt you. blahblahfuckingblah. ughhh =/
whatever, im over it. i better not see you anytime soon or i swear ima kick you in the balls.


okay so now that i got that off my chest..
things are really going good for me besides this stupid dillon shit.
-me and tori are gonna hangout all weekend this weekend, i hope and were actually texting and hanging out which is good cause i need her.
-me and an emeny are now actually pretty good friends. weve hungout like for the past 4 days straight. it was coool. shes a really coool girl.
-i talked to my counsler today and were getting my new schecudle done for school and were gonna work on me graduatingg :)
and then monday im going to dland! i hope it works out as i want it to.
things are finally working out and im kinda happpyyy :D so hopefully it stays this wayy for a while.

god knows even angel falls sometimes..

maybe deleteing his number, him off of myspace, him out of my life before i knew where we stand was a bad idea..
lauren was right i should just talk to him before i start to hate him and never talk to him again. i guess hes gonna be with cgay today so me and lauren are gonna probally head over to where they are, and talk to them. i still dont know if i wanna talk to him. i kinda juss wanna ignore him and maybe hell come talk to me, i dont wanna juss go up and be like HEY LETS TALK! nah, i cant do that. and my make up looks good tody and so does my outift im not down to cry and ruin my good day! fuck who knows. i wish they were busy so me and lauren could juss go to stupid dland. fucking bitchniggers.
i juss hope this is all goes welll.. if not im probally gonna break the fuck down and i cant see cj lauren dillon and everyone see me cry.. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
i needta time machine..

dear, bestfriend..

its been 3 and a half years you've been in my life and damn, they've been a incridible 3 years. we've had our ups and downs in the past but we somehow always stick through it. recently things have been changing. we went from being incerapable every day over summer time to TRYING every day to hangout once school started to once or twice a week seeing each other.. for a while we tried but once i started night school 2 nights a week, and you started cosmotelogy 3 nights a week it killed everything then things changed with us. i started hanging out with other people and so did you. then we hungout again, and NOW ill text you asking if you wanna hangout, you'll make some exuse of why you cant and then go hangout with someone else. and now i balrey fucking see you and it kinda sucks when i go hangout with everyone and your not there. im trying to become as close again as how we were over summer time but my hopes are so high. i thought bestfriends at least tried to hungout all the time, AND TOLD EACH OTHER THINGS? there's so many things you havent told me. i tell you e v e r y t h i n g and you dont tell me shit. i have to find out from other people. i mean you dont have to tell me everything but i would like to know what the fuck is going on in my bestfriends life?! it just seems like your getting sick of me and your done with me, but you cant tell me. it feels like your pushing me away on purposeee? it just sucks. you know your my everything. your my main proierty. i put you before ANYONE ELSE. even boys. ive never once chose a boy over you. and i wont. e v e r . you ARE my BESTfriend, your like my other half. your my stablity, your my crutch. your what keeps me alive and going. you have my back when i need it, and you love me for me. you've seen the real me, who know who I am. you've stuck it out with me through all the shitty times. you havent left me for my dumb mistakes and even when you get sick of me and annoyed you still somehow love me. ive never had a bestfriend as long as you and i plan to keep you in my life forever. without you i feel like im not myself. i dont feel right. you even me out. you've taughten me so many things and i appericate it more then you'll ever know. i just cant lose you, i cant. not now, not ever. i hate the feeling like me and you arent even close anymore. it makes me cry everytime i think of it. im not giving up yet. i love you bestfriend. forever and ever. <3 ):

i think im breaking down.

i dont know how to handle this!
i think im so attached to him cause hes seen the real me..
hes seen me out of the shower, no make up, hair all messy, no clothes, nothing. he saw ME. not the me thats covered in clothes, and makeup.
i dont get it..
i really dont. i wish this was easy.
each day it gets harder to get over him.
i wish things were easy. i really do.
i need to comeplety stop talking to him but i cant. ughhh ):

i lied..
im not over him.
last night he was texting me cute ass shit. cause i was sick and throwing up and he was like saying how he would come over and take care of me, and he was being all cute.
maybe it was cause he was drunk..
i dont know.

he pulls me back in every time i walk away..
why cant i just get over him!?

Run to you, I will run I will run.

everything is finally going the way i want.
im finally getting my shit done in school. i passed every class last semester and this semester im getting my shit done and im gonna pass every class this sememster too hopefully and then ill graduate!
im studying to get my permit so ill have my license by the time i turn 18!
im looking for a job, im thinking of working at knotts berry farm again but this time somewhere where ill actually like. or at like a restruant like a waitress or something. a nice restruant or somewhere fun! like hopefully fudruckers, red robin or something. im still looking. or im gonna try to work at like a clothing storee, or vans! i wanna work at vans! they have such cute boys in that store and id get cheap ass shoes and cute ass clothes :) damn, my new goal is to work at vans or like zummies or somethingg. haha. i needta set up a day to go job hunting. hopeufully monday will be a good day to go. ill make tori go with me! haha. i wish me and her would work together, but thatd be horrible. wed fuck with every person who walked in the store, and wed fuck around and probally get fired. hahahaha. thank god me and her dont go to the same school and arent in the same classes wed be in so much trouble by now. hahahahahaha.
i dont really hang out with her anymore :/ and it upsets me. but i think its just because she has that stupid comsotelogy and i have stupid night school and last weekend her back was hurting so i didnt get to see her, but this weekend and the next couple weeks shell be mine! muahahaha.
speaking of the next couple weeks, there gonna be A M A Z I N G if they go how i want them to go.
today: i have no ieda what im doing, besides going shopping. im probally gonna end up going to a party with the group. or drinking or somethin. unless me and tori find something fun to do.
tommrow: i dont know yet either. probally partying with brandi and having a sleepover if shes down.
sunday: super bowl sunday! fmaily party @ the smiths. still dont know if im going. and its dillons birthday so i need to see him that day, its his big 18th! i hope nothing happens that day thats not suppsoto happpen. akhfalhfa and its the EMMURE show!!!! ahh im so exicted. i hopet they dont sale out so me and tori can get our tickets :/ that will be a fun show! cute boys will be there! ohayyy. haha.
and then valentines day: i think i might have a valentine! well, im going to hangout with a cute boy but he didnt ask me to be his valetnine but all i know is that hes gonna buy me foood :D hes so cute!
and then the 15th: DISNEYLANDD! with tori, and two of our friends. wooooo! thats gonna be a good day if it goes as planned.
and i dont have school the next two mondays, and next friday i have half day.
febuary is a good ass month!
everythings going really good.
besides two thingss..
im SICK of everyone calling me fat. like i really fucking am. im NOT fat, im chubby. i have extrra chub on my tummy and face. but im NOT fat. i know girls who are FAT. im not one of them. so stop fucking calling me that. im trying not to eat alot, and i already went running. im getting a gym pass and im gonna work out and get into shape. im sick of looking in the mirrior and looking at something that im not happy with :/ i need to lose all this weight somehow, FAST.
desprate times call for despreate mesaures?! im not gonna eat junk food anymore.. hopefully.
AND boys always bring me down.
thinking of a certian boy upsets me and its so hard getting over him, im trying though. i think i found someone new but then again i dont know if he just wants sex cause hes a thirsty piece of shit =/ 2 of his friends whos IM very good friends with said that hes so sweeet to his girlfriends and he spoils them and does everything for them and like.. looking at him i can see it but we already talked about dating and he said he dosent date girls cause they always fuck him over and he wont like or date a girl unless they really catch his eye and i dont know if i caught his eye or not. in the beggining he wanted me but i didnt want him and now i want him! fuckfuckfuckfuck. this always happens. i guess well just have to see when i see him next weeekend. hopefully things go good :)

"in my head

it was just you and me<3"
^^^ AHHH! i cant stop smilingg. he makes me feeel all happy inside.
i think im finally finding happiness.
im reliazing alot.
ive reliazed who cares for me, who dosent, whos real, whos not, who i need, who i dont, what i need, what i want, and where im going.
i dont need fake assholes in my life.
i need the people who care about me and love me for ME.
i have a few people in my life.
such as tori kyle brian, and brandi.
i dont know where id be with out them.
those four are the only people i truley care about enough to take a bullet for.
ive lost a good friend in the past couple of days, i lost the boy i had my eye on, but then again. you live and you learn right?
im finally content, AGAIN. and im staying this way.

She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets, get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces

so, im done with dillon. im sick of sitting there while he fucks with me. like if you like me, you like me, if your dont and you "dont wanna hurt me" then dont fucking sit there and hookup with me, or try too. you told me you didnt wanna hookup with anyone right now then we hangout and you like hint you wanna hookup. thats kinda leading me on. NOW that your stupid list is over, i thought you were gonna look for a girlfriend not fuck with my head anymore? huh? psh, i knew you wouldnt. you say your biggest fear is huting others, and you swear like you everyone elses feelings in front of yours. WRONG. if you did that you wouldnt have lead me on and fucked with my head. and after all this your still acting like the good guy, YOUR NOT. you act like you didnt hurt me, or made me cry which you did both. im sick of your stupid games dillon. seriously i am. and i hate the fact that i tell you im done and i wanna stop talking to you for good, even as friends cause i need to get over you and you say no you want me to vent and you think it would be good for me to talk this out with you? and then i flipped out and told you EXACTLY how i feel and this morning was the first day youve ever texted me first. and you asked if i was feeling better? OH so now you wana act like you care? this is the shit im talking about! i TRY to get over you but somehow you decide to fucking come back in and fuck with my head even more, acting like you care!? i dont get it. YOU NEED TO FUCKING TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, AND NOTHING MORE. EITHER WE HOOKUP AND START TALKING, OR NOT HOOKUP AND JUST BE FRIENDS. nothing more. im not gonna be just another hookup again. if you really did care about me, you wouldnt fucking do this shit to me. and im not gonna sit around and wait for you to come around and actually like ME not my vagina. you said maybe in the future it might work? yeah, well who knows when thats gonna be. so im done for now. actually forever. i cant keep crying over you, i NEED to get over you! i do i do i do i do :/ BUT for some fucking reason im stuck on you.. so im pretty much fucked on this whole sitaution. i need to delete you from my life but apart of me is telling me no bre dont do it. cause you make my hopes SO FUCKING high and then eventually the truth is gonna come out and your gonna crush me again. i need to hear out of your mouth, not a text, not on the phone, not a message, OUT OF YOUR MOUTH what you want with me. i just hate knowing that youll never like a girl like me. and that sounded so patheic but its truee =/ whatever. im so over it. im just gonna send you the longest text tommrow and explain how i feel and hopefully i get this straightened out..